In the
first part of this blog series, I was not overstating any of the
hypotheticals. You've learned about her experience of the first
three days in the second and third parts of this. I left off when
she went into the psych ward. Which, though the shortest part, for
me, was the most frightening part.
Thank goodness for the patient
advocate that came to visit her Wednesday evening/afternoon! Besides
making sure my daughter got better care, she also gave her advise on
how to handle the psych ward. She visits patients there too, and she
had seen how dark of a place it can be. One small piece of advise, that we didn't realize was so important at the time, was to ask for pen and paper when she got there. Besides prayer that
was the most important piece that kept my daughter from having a
panic attack while she was there.
So to
continue where I left off in Part 3...
At 6
in the evening, on Wednesday, a security guard, Meg, and I went with
my daughter to the psych ward.
The
first thing that happened was that we were told (Meg and I) that we
would have to have our things, including our cell phones, locked up
while we were there. From then on-- when we came to visit we could
only bring our keys. So our things were locked away to be given back
when we left.
The
second thing was that the visiting hours were 6 p.m. To 8 p.m. &
10:30 a.m. To noon. That was it.
Next
up... My daughter had to sign a good 30 pages of intake paperwork to
be admitted. That was where we found out that the longest they could
hold her was five days- even if she had been forcibly put there.
My
daughter was then given stiff gray scrubs to wear, and told she could
not wear her own clothes until she was there 24 hours, and most
likely she would be there at least 24 hours. She still was not
allowed to have her things. She was given a folder with papers on
what to expect. She and Meg read it over multiple times figuring
out all the ins and outs-- They are both like that. A nurse with a
constant smile ordered a food tray for her and made sure it didn't
have gluten or apples.
This is very similar to the room, next to this would have been another bed just like it. |
The
nurse was nice, so don't get me wrong, but the constant smile was a
little hard for me to deal with right then, but he did genuinely seem to care which was nice. We spent a little bit of time in her
room-- which by the way was a double occupancy room. There was not
another person in there, at that point, but there were no 'private
rooms' and they could not promise one-- Yet the psychiatrist had.
They had blocked it off for that night so that she would have the
room to herself that night, but there were no promises of what would
happen the next day.
It was
a 'suicide prevention' unit, so nothing pointy or dangerous was
allowed. Including cell phones. Yet she was allowed to have a
pen... Some of the rules kinda contradicted each other, which didn't
make sense.
After
a few moments we were told that we weren't allowed in her room. So
we went to the common room where all the patients were. Here is
where I need to take a deep breath. --In fact I am going to go into
morning mass and come back to this in a moment because this was the
place that first shocked me the most and it still makes me have a
little shiver...
This was close to how it felt, but worse in that common room |
In the
common room, on one side, was a large television set up like a living
room. Some game was on-- I think it was football. There were many
people there. Some looked extremely tense, some nervous, some I
would have run away from if I had met them on the street. No one
there was someone I would feel comfortable with. On the other side
of the room were long tables and hard chairs, almost like cafeteria
style seating. That is where we sat down.
Right
near us was a young man with tufted hair with eye glasses, but on top
his head instead of on the bridge of his nose. His eyes were wide
and almost bulging out of his head, and he very much seemed like a
human peacock. He was loud, not in a good way, and a little
frightening, and I noticed he kept watching us... -- looking, but
not coming near us. That frightened me more. If he had come over and
tried to talk to us that would have eased my fears. He didn't and
literally he was peacocking around as if looking for attention.
My
daughter held my hand and Meg's, and we sat quietly talking, trying
to not make any commotion. Someone noticing you just didn't seem
like a good idea in this place. So we stuck close together and talked lowly. I
could feel my daughter's tension. The worst part-- this is where we
were suppose to leave her and she would stay over night at least.
Her
food came and she began to eat it as best she could. No apple or
juice this time around. That was good. It was the same thing she
had had for lunch, and for dinner the night before-- I mean that
literally. But it was food. The problem was it was a breast of
chicken, uncut and she was given a plastic fork and plastic spoon,
but no plastic knife because it was the suicide unit. Seriously!
You could have a pen but not a plastic knife! If this was the way
they wanted it fine! They could have given her fajita chicken then.
She tried to cut the chicken with the plastic fork, but no doing. So
finally she picked it up, took a couple of bits, then gave up the
attempt. It was really tough and had quite a bit of gristle.
She ate the green beans and, even though she doesn't like rice, the
rice. The milk she left.
Next
to us was the only phone, by the way, and we got the number to call
in to check on her and also to give to her boyfriend. She was also
told she could call
her boyfriend or me from the nurse's desk and
they would transfer the call out to this phone. A little good.
Except the coiled metal cord was about two feet-- maybe three feet--
long, so you were stuck standing there or pulling a chair over and
kinda squatting on it to be the right height.
While
we were there the psychiatrist called her into his office. When she
was talking to him Meg and I got her water jug that they had assign
her, and went to find a nurse to fill it again for her, and ended
talking to another nurse who was understanding. He promised to keep
an eye on her. He had a brother-in-law that has Asperger's like both
my daughters do, and when we explained what was going on he was a little
appalled they would force her to be there. He truly got it, and he
was the first to show understanding beside the patient advocate. Meg
and I seeing we had an allie told him everything that
happened. He was the first to say strongly, she didn't belong there.
That was the reason he promised to watch out for her. The next day
several other nurses were saying the same thing.
A
little while later, we had some more time with my daughter before we
had to leave. I really saw how even here in this place that seemed
so horribly dark and scary, God had put a little light. Though I was
frightened to leave her-- especially with Mr. Peacock strutting around, I prayed and hugged her, shed a few tears, then left her
there. That was not what I wanted at all, not what she wanted, not
what Meg wanted, but what we were forced to do.
That
night was dark. I prayed the rosary on the way home, and got lost (I
never lose my way where driving is concerned). The darkness wasn't
just the sky, but it was night around us.
I
finished my rosary and saw a highway I knew, hopped on it, and was
home a little later. Meg was already there playing with her son
when I walked in. I got the biggest hug from my cantankerous 14 year
old son, took a shower, then helped my 4 year old little sweetie get
ready for bed. All night I tossed and turned while waking and
praying. I didn't know then, but my daughter was having the same kind of
night, and had spent a teary half hour on the phone with her
boyfriend.
I
gathered myself together in the morning, then left the house and got
to the hospital early, just in time for a call from my daughter's
boyfriend. He was worried because she was in tears last night and
this morning it wasn't any better. I told him I was there and I
would be up there as soon as they would let me in the door. I
brought a brush, band, and a clean pair of underwear with me, stuck
in my pocket. I left my cell in the car after talking to him, and
grabbed my keys and ran inside. If they would open that door early,
I would be there. They didn't. In fact, they were late.
I
found my daughter in the common room in tears, shaking, and telling
me she could not spend another night there. I held her and helped
her calm down. We sat down finally, and she began telling what the
night before and that morning had been like. The peacock had been
irrationally yelling in the hallway in front of her room the night
before after getting on the phone screaming that he was being
tortured and hadn't been fed since he had been there.
Yeah-- He was kinda like this But his hair was tufted and had glasses on top his head |
At that
moment he was yelling out a verse from an open bible every time the
room quieted down at all. That is the only time in my whole life
that I would say that scripture really seemed like an unholy thing
when it was read!
In the
morning she had went to her room and he stood at the doorway staring
at her and making little noises as she pretended to be asleep. She
said she didn't know what to do. She hoped if she didn't act as if
she was affected by him that he would leave her alone. The standing
at the doorway staring at her really frightened her because no one
seemed to notice or care. At least the night before someone had
finally stopped him.
To top
it off, later, before I got there she got a roommate. She was told,
they didn't have the room to keep the room private. --Even though
she had been promised a private room by the man that ran this unholy
unit! My daughter has a form of autism called Asperger's Syndrome.
Most times she deals with life like anyone else, but she is not
comfortable with people she doesn't know or new situations. Privacy
is a very important thing.
It is
the way both she and Meg have been all their life. In stressful situations she is able to remain calm as long as she has a place she
feels safe. That is the purpose of her having a private room. You
would think that the head of mental health at this hospital would
understand about Asperger's since it is fairly prevalent, but he didn't seem to understand at all. The things he saw as depression and
anxiety are common to Asperger's. He thought she needed to be more
independent and was trying to force that, but didn't take any notice
that promises being kept are even more important than being
'independent'. He didn't understand that people with any form of
autism can go into sensory overload from loud noises and new places.
And believe me the psych ward is full of the wrong kind of sensory input! He didn't take into account that she was independent enough to
work 25-30 hours a week and go to college classes twenty hours a
week-- including clinicals! He was convinced she would be better
being there. Instead that morning she was close to a panic attack or
seizure because of being thrown in there without consideration to how
she would deal with this!
Thank
goodness we had worked with biofeedback years before to help her
handle herself no matter what was thrown at her. (Boy was this proof that we had done the right thing all those years ago!) She had learned to
calm her brain down. In fact she is amazing even when she has a
panic attack. If you give her some quiet and some space she can
bring herself back under control and then go on with her day. A seizure is a little more difficult, but she still is
able to calm things... This is not enough of a space to explain
fully, but I will leave it at-- she is amazing.
In
this case, that pad of paper came in handy! She spent time writing poetry and doodling to keep her calm. Then they added the roommate. Thank goodness I got there right after,
because, if not, she may have lost it. She laughed after she was out
and said “I knew if I had a panic attack they would want to keep
me, so I kept coaching myself, telling myself, 'I can't loose it. I
have to keep it together.' ” You know in the whole messed up
situation, when she told me that it made me so proud of her. She is
such a trouper! I really wish that psychiatrist could have seen
that!
While
I was there a different man, a therapist, called us back to a room.
And he listened. He was another light in this dark place, and part
of the reason things began to get better. He understood when we told
him we had had a counseling appointment already set up. He actually
understood Asperger's and why this place was so bad for her. By the
end of talking to him, though he didn't have the power to release
her, he promised to talk to the psychiatrist. He said out loud he didn't see why she had been forced to be there. He also brought her
lunch into a private room where she could eat and we could talk
without dealing with all the commotion in the common room. That gave
my daughter over a half hour to begin to repair so she could face
whatever would come.
I left
after hugging her again. This time she was more calm. We had hope
that she would be released. After I left the student doctors came to
talk to her, but that was when the patient advocate came too, so she
missed visiting with her. Good thing though-- they, along with the
nurses, and the therapist, all pleaded her case to the psychiatrist.
Who finally relented. At around 2 in the afternoon, my daughter
called me and told me she was going to be released in about an hour.
Her
last meeting was with the psychiatrist. Who said... “Even though it seems like this was a control issue, it really wasn't.” I say—Whatever
helps you sleep at night buddy!
My
daughter's experience also has happened to others. From the posts
I've read this seems to be happening at different hospitals across the country in all different people groups. The hospital my daughter
was at has been sued several times for the same thing she went
through. Meg did some research, and found several different scenarios that sounded eerily like what happened to my daughter. Others have
done what I have here. I almost cried as I read their stories. It
was hard to hear that it isn't just my child, and it isn't just here
in the QC. So now you know our story. Please listen. If you have
the power to change these situations-- do so. If you are an ordinary person, then please be aware. Because honestly, parents of
a three year old have gone through the same thing. A woman giving
birth has gone through the same thing. Many others have gone through
the same thing.
Don't
tell me the doctors know best because I don't believe it anymore.
They broke my daughter's trust and my own. Thank goodness there were
a few shining lights that did care or it could have been worse. If
you are in the medical field, please play the part of the shining
light. She could have used so much more light!
It has
been three weeks now since my daughter was released from the
hospital, and I am starting to calm down. Life has gone back close
to normal. I don't see any way I am getting anywhere close to a
hospital any time soon. Doctors now freak out our whole family a
little. My daughter has said, she really has to think about her
choice of career. She was in classes planning on going into the
medical field. For now that is on hold.
Now we are trying to regain peace. |
Any
kind of plan was never talked about in the psych ward. That
definitely did not constitute a break either! Her anxiety tripled
while there. She still isn't depressed, though she is now wondering
if she has Post Traumatic Stress because of what happened in the
hospital. She is working on ideas for a plan. School is on hold,
but that had more to do with seeing the way things were done while in
the hospital. She loves her counselor (the one I wanted to take her
to on Wednesday), and feels safe talking to her. She has the option
of having me there or not. That is up to her.
She has begun doing
yoga for stress relief-- that idea came from the patient advocate and
Meg. She is working and smiles a lot. Her boyfriend is thinking
about learning some kind of alternative healing. He is also
considering switching schools to be closer, but I am letting the two
of them decide how they want to go about things. We are all healing
from that Monday through Thursday hospital stay. Though, honestly it
is something that none of us will ever forget, it has redefined us in
ways we can't even tell you yet. I truly hope that me posting this
will give voice for others that have gone through this, and hopefully
leave everyone else a little wiser so they don't ever have to go to
the place we have been.