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| Me with Tory in February 2014 in Florida |
So here is the deal. About two years ago when I was 44 I started having regular periods again after having gone into menopause. I didn't do anything to change, but unexpectedly it happened, and I began to question.
I am a God follower and
believe that everything happens for a reason. So began a litany of
prayers. I began thinking... It went something like this...
“God you know I always
wanted more children. Is it possible that you have that in your
thoughts too?” That led to a desire within my heart for having
another birth child, and me making changes just in case it was
possible...
--Things like exercise so my
body would be strong, and vitamins to help my body function like it was suppose to.
--Being cautious with my
diet so that blood sugar would be where it was suppose to.
--Seeing my naturopath to
help me heal things, and a radical diet called 'Shape' that helped me
shed fat cells and detoxify my body. I don't mean just making me
slim, but actually detoxifying the fat cells because if I was to get
pregnant HCG causes the fat cells to be used and if that happened
that would be bad for my baby. My body gained fat as a way of
protecting me from the toxins my body couldn't deal with when I went
into liver failure seventeen years ago, and later when I was dealing
with a thousand tumors in my colon my body dealt with the toxin being
thrown off by storing them in fat cells.
I knew that if I was to get pregnant in the condition I was in, it would not be good for the child, but I was on Shape, and it did help me to detoxify. I was feeling great by the time we moved to the QC in May of 2014. There were times I got sick, but it was short and I was handling those times great. My blood sugar was normal. I was running up and down the steps. I really felt better than I ever remembered feeling.
I knew that if I was to get pregnant in the condition I was in, it would not be good for the child, but I was on Shape, and it did help me to detoxify. I was feeling great by the time we moved to the QC in May of 2014. There were times I got sick, but it was short and I was handling those times great. My blood sugar was normal. I was running up and down the steps. I really felt better than I ever remembered feeling.
September 12, 2014-- This
is a day I will never forget. A few days before I was praying with a
friend of mine about babies and pregnancy, and on this day I was
still in prayer. She had had a prophecy years ago that she would
have three children, but she only had one.
--So she was wondering...
So I was praying asking God for an answer. I believe what I hear God say. I do hear him sometimes. Those times are wild and crazy, but it always happens just like he says. This was one of those days.
So I was praying asking God for an answer. I believe what I hear God say. I do hear him sometimes. Those times are wild and crazy, but it always happens just like he says. This was one of those days.
On September 12th I was
praying, and I heard him, but not just about my friend. What he told
me was about me, my friend, and my daughter, Megan. At the time Megan
and I were barely talking, and I had been praying about that too.
Megan wanted another child, but she wasn't dating anyone or anything.
God told me she would get pregnant, then me, then my friend.
“Okay God when is this
going to happen.” I asked.
“About a year from today
for you.” Whoa, buddy! Wait... Megan, then me, then my friend? Not
possible. But just in case... I went back on Shape.
The other little detail he
gave me was –twins. For me and my friend. I wanted twins... You
just don't know how bad. I am not going to try to explain. Just
suffice to say I had a vision 20 years ago of a boy and girl twins. I
didn't know for sure what I had seen, but I had thought it was for
me. Seriously though... after twenty years who knew? Now God was
telling about twins in a year! I really must be crazy!
April, 2015 Meg found out
she was pregnant. Longer story, but still quite amazing. Since September Meg and I had healed our mother - daughter relationship so much that we were good friends, and when she found out she was pregnant she smiled and looked at me saying, "Your next Mom.".
Fast forward--- August 28,
2015... This was the first day of my last period. Happened like
clockwork too. Todd still had a vasectomy, no reversal. We really
don't have *erm* relations very often, like the
last time was in 2014.
September 9th we had some time alone, and well--- the rest
is history.
September 11th I
got sick on my spinach drink that I had almost every day. Almost threw
up. Interesting, but it had to be my overactive imagination. By
about the 20th of September I was sick, pretty much 24
hours a day! By the end of September I was sleeping 11 hours a day
when I use to sleep 6-7 hours a day. My boobs were killing me, and
boy, this looked like maybe I was pregnant!
October 13th I
took my first pregnancy test-- negative.
October 14th I
took my second pregnancy test-- negative.
October 15th I
took my third pregnancy test-- negative.
Okay, maybe my imagination
was way over active. I waited for my period to start. By this time
I was way beyond day 40. What was going on? A little voice inside
was still whispering-- 'Believe the miracle.' Though I wasn't sure if
it was me being hopeful or something else.
October 20th My
doctor did my first blood HCG test-- negative. She told me I was in
menopause and it just hit quickly with me.
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| Me in October about 7 weeks pregnant. The bump you see is actually my ostomy bag |
During this time I had a
vision of God pouring his light on my womb and surrounding it with
saints, angels, and the Trinity to protect it from darkness. There
was a darkness outside that was trying to get in, but God kept his
light, and there was no way that darkness could enter the space of my
womb. Why was he doing this if I was never going to have another
child from there? That was a question I pondered for another two
months. That question never let me completely believe that I was not
pregnant, and yet what kind of game was this if I was? It just
didn't make sense. Honestly I was completely confused and didn't
know what to think.
Beginning of November I went
to my chiropractor because my hips were killing me as was my back. I
told her what had been happening, and that I just did not know what
to believe. She asked if I had ever heard of a phantom pregnancy.
Yes, my grandmother had one back in the forties. Our family had
talked about that when I was a kid-- kinda family lore.
“I believe, Catherine,
that either you are pregnant or this is a phantom pregnancy.” My
chiropractor said after she adjusted me.
“I believe you are right,
it is either one or the other. I just don't know which one it is.”
I responded. I had come to the same conclusions in the last couple
weeks. I wanted to be pregnant so bad, maybe my brain was trying to
make me happy...
“I have a doppler.” She
said. “We could use it and see if we get a heartbeat.”
“I'm game.” I said.
Heartbeat or lack thereof would put this to rest.
Are you ready for this?
She got a heart beat. It
was 110-115. It shocked her as much as it did me. I was nine weeks
along. For 24 hours I was ecstatic!
Then I tried to get an
ultrasound. For that I needed an HCG count.
Another urine test--
negative.
Another blood test--
negative.
The doctor I was trying to
get in with refused to see me. So I went to the ER. Surely they
would help me get an ultrasound.
Another blood test--
negative.
The ultrasound tech couldn't
find my uterus. All she got was pictures of my ovaries. She was
doing a transvaginal ultrasound, and literally I almost jumped off
the table because she hurt me while trying to get a picture of my
ovaries. Meg was watching the machine and all she saw was ovaries.
The technician was young and said she had three other patients to see
before she wrote out her reports.
The doctor while doing an
exam earlier had mentioned that my cervix was low. That happens in
pregnancy. That isn't something he said, but a fact I know because
of studying pregnancy and birth when my girls were pregnant.
When the doctor returned
with all the test results-- including some blood work. I had a UT
infection. That is another thing that only happens to me during
pregnancy.
Doctor said “Well we saw
your uterus no pregnancy, but we couldn't see your ovaries.” Excuse me? The tech had hurt me getting pictures of my ovaries! And she never did see my uterus! What the hell? I didn't speak up feeling very shocked. I probably should have, but there is still a small part of me that believes in the infallibility of doctors (I would think I would have gotten over that a long time ago, but in the ER it reared its ugly head and I became silent.)
That was the second week of November. I accepted what he said, and went home. Maybe I just didn't understand... Maybe the tech made a mistake, but how could an ultrasound be wrong?
Honestly I didn't know what to think. I was ten weeks by this point. I still had a ton of pressure below, even after the UT was gone. -Still sick 24/7. -Still tired all the time. -Still went from not being able to stand food to ravenous! Still unreasonably emotional going from angry to crying to smiling in 2.1 seconds! Still, the ultrasound said I was not pregnant. The doctor said there was no way I was pregnant and so had all the tests said the same. After all... there was proof I was not pregnant... I guess I needed to accept that truth.
That was the second week of November. I accepted what he said, and went home. Maybe I just didn't understand... Maybe the tech made a mistake, but how could an ultrasound be wrong?
Honestly I didn't know what to think. I was ten weeks by this point. I still had a ton of pressure below, even after the UT was gone. -Still sick 24/7. -Still tired all the time. -Still went from not being able to stand food to ravenous! Still unreasonably emotional going from angry to crying to smiling in 2.1 seconds! Still, the ultrasound said I was not pregnant. The doctor said there was no way I was pregnant and so had all the tests said the same. After all... there was proof I was not pregnant... I guess I needed to accept that truth.
End of November I began to
salivate for a roast beef sandwich from Arby's... For over a week I
dreamed of eating one. I am a vegetarian, not by choice, but because
my body rejects any kind of meat or animal product that have even a
trace of blood in it. Hence, pepperoni I can sometimes eat, but eggs
never stay down. Last time I ate Arby's was over five years ago and
I was sick for days! Haven't craved one since then until now.
Finally I was at the grocery store and I bought two gluten free sub rolls (they come in a two pack). Meg was with me and we went to Arby's and I got my roast beef. I devour it! Then I went back inside and bought a second one! Meg actually took a picture. The only time I eat meat willingly is while I am pregnant. With Hope I ate McDonald's cheese burgers and Arby's roast beef almost daily! Now I am a little more careful with my diet and understand why this happens. This was a protein and iron craving, and I knew it.
Finally I was at the grocery store and I bought two gluten free sub rolls (they come in a two pack). Meg was with me and we went to Arby's and I got my roast beef. I devour it! Then I went back inside and bought a second one! Meg actually took a picture. The only time I eat meat willingly is while I am pregnant. With Hope I ate McDonald's cheese burgers and Arby's roast beef almost daily! Now I am a little more careful with my diet and understand why this happens. This was a protein and iron craving, and I knew it.
I began on some iron, and
told myself I was crazy. But there was still that voice telling me
louder than ever “Believe the miracle. Believe the miracle.”
Okay... I was beginning to believe the voice speaking might be God.
But what miracle? Miracle... Ultrasound said I was not pregnant.
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| Me January 27th at 21 weeks. Todd took this because my Mom wanted to see what I looked like now. The very poky part is my ostomy (stoma). |
I went to talk to my
counselor-- she is also a God follower. As she was talking to me, she realized how much darkness was around me, and ask me what door was
open, or what was going on that was allowing it to be there? Leaving
her office I knew what it was... When this came on was when I tried
to believe I was not pregnant. I prayed and asked God to show me a
clear path, and show me what to believe because I just did not
understand. But I told no one about this. What if the miracle was
me being pregnant with twins? What if that was the miracle I was
suppose to believe? Maybe I needed to take the chance to believe...
So what if I was crazy? Was this miracle any bigger than the check
that came in the mail that allowed us to move to the QC? I mean that
was $14,000 that we had not expected that came a day after Todd said
there was no way we could afford to move-- baring a miracle. I
wrestled with these ideas. But things were about to dramatically
change.
That change I will talk about in the second part of this. Also I'll post more pictures too. Just this part has taken me weeks to write, and I'm still working on the next part and last part. So until next week, this is Cat out.
