Transparency

Alright here is my answer from the last post 'Just Questions'.  I don't know how well this will go over, but someone has to start someplace.  If I don't venture then I don't know if I can trust.  I already know I cannot trust anything I hear because most times especially in the media people just give us what they think we want to hear.  First I open the floor for any comments that you feel need to be said, and the worst I will do is not respond, but if I respond I won't condemn you because I want to be trusted, and so I am going to venture the same.  If you ask me to answer, then I will answer with my real thoughts.  I won't lie because that does nothing to further these ends.

My goal is to see if a community can be built where ideas can be shared along with thoughts and feelings without worry of condemnation or retaliation.  It is not that I expect everyone to be of the same mind.  It is that I hope for each of us to accept the other as another human being deserving of enough dignity to be open to listen and tell each other the truth in as much love as possible. Also that we all could be a support to each other when things are going tough, and when things are going well.

So here is my transparency. I would like this to be a Christian nation.  I realize it is not.  I am watching as we are asked to accept everyone, but as we do that what really is happening is we accept no one unless they conform.  I don't conform. I never have.  I doubt I ever will.  I believe in God and his Son, Jesus.  I believe in morals and values which we no longer have in this country.  Sometimes I think I would like to go live in Russia because at least they do have a standard which we have negated.  Still I am at heart a patriot, just not of this country as it is.  I am a lover of freedom, but I realize freedom with no standard makes chaos.  I am not a fan of that unless there is some control.  I believe in community reaching out to those that need help instead of the government taking over everyone's life.  I believe in families helping their own as much as possible.  I believe in strong churches and making friends within that community so that trust can be built and people can know they have a place.

This is everything that I feel like we have lost in the last twenty five years.  That's as long as I have been watching it happen.  I started watching as a young mother within my church group.  I had the things I spoke of above, and yet I heard older people than I seeing the changes that were already happening, and I listened to what they were saying.  So I started taking notes of what was happening around me.  By the time my oldest daughter was a mother I saw that it was almost completely gone.  I asked her to get involved and make a group of friends, but that was done on Facebook instead of at a bible study or event.  So I wondered if trust could be built on this medium, but have found everyone has a mask and it is never taken down.  We have personas that we build and fit them with others of the same persona.  Within that group we are fed lies to make us happy or content or angry depending upon the group we choose.  Where is the truth?  That is what I am trying to find.  I guess this is my way of trying to rebuild.  I am a writer.  That is my strength, and so I use this to call out to others that may have the same questions that I do, and are looking for an answer.  Maybe looking for a friend to just share with them and that they would feel safe sharing with.  I don't know if this will work, but after asking the questions on here, I thought going out on a limb wouldn't be a bad idea... hopefully.

I could be disappointed.  I could find out that everyone just likes the drama and the mask.  I think there are some like that.  Personally I like calm and being who I am.  I don't like being censured.  It use to be crudeness was closed down.  Now people of faith seem to get shut down.  So I am not sure what will happen, but never give up.  I don't mind the Confederate Flag by the way.  I see it as part of our history and a reminder that states have the right to secede when they are troubled with what the federal government is doing.  I see it as a reminder that we are a collection of states loosely united, but that bond can be changed.  In some ways I wish there were some states willing to break that bond, and then there would be a 'Christian' nation...Maybe.

As for me personally.  I attachment parent, do not vaccinate, am not politically correct, and am so far from perfect. I worry about everything I put in my body, do not use medicines, and am even careful what nutritionals I use.  I am like that with my kids too.  Gluten Free, don't drink milk, vegetarian, almost all organic, except when I get frustrated and go out to eat.  Panera is my favorite because I trust I am not killing myself when I eat there! But I have had surgery-- eight years ago.  All my good stuff only went so far because I had a genetic oups that caused all kinds of problems I couldn't fix.  The thing that blew every one away was I didn't have cancer when I should of.  Even now doctors are amazed my good cholesterol is high.  They don't usually see that.

I was a single Christian parent for five years, then married my husband and gave birth to my third daughter.  We adopted our son in 2004, and then in 2010 both my oldest girls became pregnant. My oldest decided to parent her son and the younger asked my husband and I to adopt her daughter.  We did.  She is four now.

Religiously... I am a Christian.  Actually to be technical I am an Eastern Rite (or Byzantine) Catholic.  Originally I didn't know what I believed.  At seventeen I was baptized, but accepted Jesus at eighteen and made more mishaps after I 'accepted Jesus' than before.  Those around me wondered if I was a Christian.  I had issues, but I will not apologize for that time because it made me who I am.  I learned to trust God even when I couldn't trust myself.  It was during this time I had my first daughter.  It was seeing my faith while I was pregnant with her that caused my mom to come to God.  I thought I should clean up my act and so I rashly married a man that was a 'Christian', and found after I was pregnant with my second daughter that he was abusive.  Then I went through a divorce.  As I said I am not perfect.  Three years later I married my husband that I am still married to... We are going on twenty years.  We went to so many churches, and yet for whatever reason I had a problem with each one.  He stood by me, and supported me on my quest-- not for perfection because let's face it if I found the perfect church I better not go because it would cease to be perfect the moment I walked through the doors.  But a truly biblical church is what my search was about.  For more than three years I studied what scripture said and compared that to whatever denomination we were at and found it lacking.  So I turned to studying the history of the church along with scripture.  Then I searched for the oldest church that had not changed.  That was nearly impossible too.  I finally came to the conclusion that the oldest church was the Catholic church or the Orthodox church which I went to both for a while as I tried to understand the extreme differences from the Protestant churches I had been a part of.  Then my best friend invited me to her Byz church.  Long story short I walked inside and I knew.  That was nine months before our adoption with our son was final. I have been Eastern Rite ever since.  There were many thoughts that went into that decision but that would take me writing volumes.

So here I am telling you all these details that I usually don't say.  I could go on, but for the sake of your eyes I will stop the litany here.  To sum up everything.  I am still not perfect, still temperamental, and still have more off days than on days.  I am not always a good parent.  I drive myself crazy and probably my husband too.  We have things we disagree on.  Sometimes I would like to have a place to talk about these things.  I'd like to be able to say I think I would have been a Southerner if I lived in the eighteen hundreds!  Or talk about escaping to Russia!  Or talk about the prophecies I have for this country...  Even if no one agrees with me.  I'd like to meet a few people that are willing to share their real thoughts too.  Is this something that anybody else wants too?

If you do then contact me.  Ask questions.  Tell your thoughts. Even if they are different than mine. I don't care if you agree with me or not.  That is not what this is about.  It is about being real-- even if it is scary or not politically correct or maybe if it is. I'm just tired of the facade and the lies.  Want to talk to those that are willing to be real.

    

Just Questions

Do I dare tell anyone my inner thoughts right now?  Is this a space safe for sharing?  Do I say everything I am thinking or just a tidbit?  Where is the space to be transparent anymore?  Am I too frightened to speak about what is really bothering me today?  Will there be a sympathetic ear to say 'hey I hear you.'?  As the tears fall does it even make a difference? 

When someone just needs someone to hear them is there room for that anymore?  Must we hire a counselor to have room to speak what we are really feeling?  What about a friend? What about social media?  Must we always keep our best face on?  What if we post how we are really feeling?  Who would listen?  Who would de-friend us?  What if our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs go against what's trending?  Is there a sacred space where we can just be ourselves anymore?  What if we parent different?  Will we have human services called on us because we do things different?  What if in our life we feel at crisis point?  Is it alright to say we are hurting?  Is it alright to say that things in our life are pretty screwed up?  Does anyone really care?  Or are we just looking for our next drama fix?  Why are we even part of this rat race known as social media if we can't even use it to reach out to others?

Where are the flesh and blood people we can open up to?  Am I asking the wrong questions?  Or are these just questions that I can find no answer to? 

Thoughts on June 26th of 2015

This is my husband Todd
 at one of our many trips to the zoo.

I was raised in a very liberal family.  My grandfather manipulated the system to get food stamps.  Divorce was okay in my family.  Being a single parent was alright, and my family did hire illegals to help in the family business. To name a few of our 'liberties' if you will.

On the other side of the spectrum, my grandmother first introduced me to God.  I lived in a conservative pious community that was nothing like my family where I learned what biblical holiness meant. My great aunt taught me about prayer. My dad is still one of the most hauntingly honest people I know. Some of my early mentors showed me a whole different way to live.

I was raised in the middle of two extremes.

Some members of my family were openly 'alternative' in sexual orientation. No one in my family had a problem with it.  Even now there are those close to me that have chosen that lifestyle.

Rebecca and Tory on Tory's 4th birthday.

Yes I am talking about the Supreme Court decision about Same Sex Marriage not my family of origin, but it does remind me very much of the split within this country over this issue.

Honestly same sex marriage goes against everything I believe (I'll come to what I believe in a little bit.), but I am under no compulsion to push my belief system on anyone else.  There are many members of my family that have been elated with the decision of the courts.

 I was far from it, but not completely because of the issue they decided on.

My biggest problem with this whole thing is the Supreme Court decided to tell states they don't have the right to allow their people to decide on a matter of conscious.  Since when does our Constitution give them that power?  What happens to the states where 80% to 90% of the voting people already made a decision about this issue?  Is their voice just negated by our highest court?  What about the next issue presented to the court?  What if it is about education or parents rights?  Are they under compulsion to decide for the states again  and so for all the people without any kind of vote?  Who gave them that right?

This is Meg & Alex

I believe in government 'for the people by the people'.  I read the Constitution and see states have the right to govern themselves for the most part.  That people can vote for what they want in their state and also have the right to speak up. Our court negated that fundamental right. That alone burns me.  It doesn't matter what they used as their basis.  It was the fact they took away freedom on June 26th.

Then I really began thinking about June 26th-- partially because I knew I would write about this issue, and I knew many of my family do read my blog.  Beyond that it was really bothering me. It still bothers me...

This whole issue of defining marriage I would take further, I don't believe that states nor government should be involved in deciding for anyone what marriage is or is not.  They should not be issuing marriage licences nor anything of the kind.  Like it or not-- marriage is a very private and a very religious issue.

If we are not a religious democracy our government has no business deciding by a piece of expensive paper who is married and who is not.  

A seven year old Peter.  He's doubled in age since then.

There is also another issue that comes up, and one that even my husband and I differ on. The last couple years I've read about people being fined by cities, counties, and states for consciously objecting to participating in a same sex marriage.  Whether it be by a religious leader refusing to perform the ceremony or a cake maker that can't bring themselves to agree to make a cake for the couple, and several other similar situations.

If business is free, then it is free to decide who to serve and who it won't.  I would not expect a priest to be under compulsion to marry a pagan couple.  It is against his core beliefs.  That same priest should be under no compulsion to marry a couple that had been divorced before, an Islamic couple, or a couple that is of the same sex.  I would also expect the same right to extend to the cake maker, the seamstress, and/or any service that has to do with marriage.  No one should be forced to go against their beliefs.

Maybe I will be stoned for saying this, but so be it.  Choosing a relationship is as much a matter of conscious as me choosing my belief system.  The government whether federal or at the state level does not have the right to define what marriage is at all.  That is between the individuals and what they believe.

 --If we are not a religious democracy.

Boycott the businesses that don't serve the people you agree with, and choose your side with your money and allow those others to choose their side.  It will be a very divided system, but finally it will be free instead of everyone feeling like they are a target of hate.

Ever heard the adage 'Live and let live'?  Don't try to change me or the community I live within, and I will give the same dignity.

I don't hate anyone.  I love those around me no matter where their persuasions lead them.  I am tired of being looked at as a bigot because I don't agree.

This is me with Hope & Tory last year.

I am a Christian... A Jesus follower... By denomination Eastern Rite or 'Byzantine' Catholic... Most people have no clue what that means.  Let me explain it simply.  I love God with all my soul, mind, body, etc. I love Jesus because he died for me, and I am doing my best to follow him as he wants me to.  I believe there is good and evil, and I believe the Devil is real --not some terrible fairy tale. I believe prayer changes lives, and doing good makes life better. I believe the Bible is true and the inspired word of God the Father.  I believe Jesus came to the Earth and was perfect and died for my sin even though no one else is perfect. I believe Mary his mother was a virgin and remained so after his birth. I believe the saints pray with us and help us, but we should worship the Trinity only.  So I do talk to those that have gone ahead of me to Eternity and I do ask them to pray for me or situations or other people.  I ask the angels to intervene and also to protect us. I believe miracles are real and possible, and the spiritual realm is just as real as the physical realm.

These are my core beliefs that make me who I am.  You can say that you don't agree, but that doesn't change who I am.  To go against these beliefs go against everything I am.
 
I realize I believe different than many, and this country is made up of many people. Many do not care what I believe.  Some see me as a heretic.  Some see me as their enemy.  Some see me as a conservative.  There are few that think I am too liberal (I doubt very many think that honestly, but in some ways I am.).

I cannot change their opinions.  I am not God!  And I don't want to be!

I make a practice of not judging others that do not agree with my beliefs.  Also I know many people that give me the same kindness.  That is part of loving others and giving them dignity. For the most part I am private and do not meddle in others lives or with their choices.

I am not scared of people that are different from me, nor am I angry with them for not being like me, nor filled with hate.  I love them.  I just am not them and should not be forced to go against what is part of my core belief system because the Supreme Court says so-- even when it goes against the Constitution.

My beliefs are part of who I am.  They make me me.  But they do not line up with my family of origin or many people I know.  I have no allusion that this is a 'Christian' nation. It is not.  From studying history, though it came with Christian roots and societal morals, it has never been.
 I like freedom.  But that means everyone has freedom.  I don't want to go back to England when Catholics were killed just because they were Catholics.  Or to France or Spain where the opposite was happening.

So I love freedom more than my words here can tell you.  That means, though, we need to stop 'benching it'.  It may get a little uncomfortable because I may make a decision that my city disagrees with or people of other persuasions (and I am not just talking about sexual orientation here) disagree with.  Our police need to stop being an army, and we need to allow the citizens to be armed.  And perhaps let the marriages be between the people and their choice of conscious instead of defined by any governmental agency.  That means some will have two wives and one husband.  Or any kind of strange combination that will make me sick to my stomach, but I will have my husband who I dearly love.  And if I get really sick I will move to a state where the people have decided on the Christian thoughts on the matter or I will keep away from businesses that offend my conscious.  If the bench keeps deciding then I might just move to a state that decides to object by succession.

That would solve it too...  Well maybe... This is Cat out hoping you weren't to horribly scalded by my thoughts.

Please feel free to share your own, even if I would disagree.

True tales

Alright here it goes. First I am probably not going to 'advertise' this post by talking about it on Facebook or Twitter because it is a little more personal. So if you come across this then either it is a God thing or you must really like reading my blog (that is really saying something considering the things I post!).

So my husband and I right now are paying for three houses. There are days where we don't know where the next tank of gas is coming from (as far as finances goes), and we do so much travel for Peter's medical and our religious devotion and also because of my medical stuff. On Friday it was one of these days. Peter had an appointment and I literally had spent my last dollar for his doctor. We were suppose to go to lunch and I had no cash. This was Peter's weekly time with his friend and so it was important. Honestly I didn't want to disappoint him but I had nothing. I had checked every pocket of my purse to be able to pay for the doctor appointment. I knew there wasn't even a dollar. We drove there thinking we would go there and talk then eat when we got home. I said a small prayer silently about our finances and we drove there. I reached into my purse to put my phone away and I found a ten and two ones, just enough for lunch. I know the money was not there a hour and a half earlier at the doctor's office. It was the proof I needed right then that God cares about each little thing in our life and it brought tears to my eyes. It was also a reminder that he still does have control over all even when I feel the most in a tail spin, and very honest at the moment before this happened I very much felt that dizzy tail spin with its wild scary out of control spiral downward. With that little bit of money for lunch it was a reminder it truly all is in his hand.

These little reminders I am grateful for. This is Cat out wishing you a blessed day.

Is everyone over 35 or 40 to 'old' to have children? Why isn't it alright for age just to be a number?

I want to have more children.  Point blank.  There is the blunt statement that usually gets me in trouble.  I have a feeling anyone my age would be given similar grief.  But there are so many women having children after 40.  So what is the big deal?  Why are women given so much grief for being 35-40+ and having children?  What about the celebrates that choose to have children while 'older'?  I have a fried that has eight children and is in her fifties with her youngest child being 2 and her oldest in his twenties.  Another friend of mine had her first child at 35 and is thinking about having her second.  She would be close to 40 by that time.  A very close friend of mine had her first child at 37 and would love to have another child.  Her daughter is 13 and she is 50.  Why do we have a problem with this?  My best friend had her last child at 42 and would have had more except she went through menopause.  These women are all around me, and what I find is they are good mothers and even if they had problems carrying their pregnancies it wasn't anything to do with their age.  For most of them there were no complications and their age was a benefit not a detriment both to their parenting and to carrying a child.  With me it is no different.  My four year old gets ten times better parenting and attention than my first two children did just simply because I understand children so much better now.  She's the youngest of five, and I'd really like her to have a younger sibling.

People around me get to know me, and before they hear my age, they comment how strong I am and how active.  I love this, because this is how I feel; healthy, vibrant, and still youthful.

Then they see my 24 year old daughter and my grandson, and they furrow their brow.  "You're not old enough to be a grandmother!"  I laugh.  "Well, I started a little younger than some."  And they nod a little.  Usually before this I've told them that I'm thinking of having more children, that I really love my kids, and I feel like my husband and I are good parents.  This generally goes over well until this point when they figure out I am 45.  Then they shake their head and say something like "Have you thought about how old you will be when the child is twenty?"  My response is usually "4 or 5 years older than when Tory turns twenty."

To these people, I hardly contain the question  "And your point is?"  I'm am getting fed up with people expecting a forty something year old woman to just stop living because she is approaching 'old'.  Let me clarify a few things.

1. I am not old.  Old is a state of mind.  And any woman is not old unless that is her state of mind!

2. My body is stronger than it was at twenty and no one complained about me having a child then.

3. I have a wonderful husband and family who if I should decide to have another child will be there and it is our decision not society's decision.

4. I know at least three women friends that have had children after 40.

5. I am not weak nor out of shape.  Yes, I am heavier than I would like to be, but I am healthy and eating more healthfully than anyone I know.  I can run and play with my four year old, and run up the steps of my home.  I've been walking each day, and it doesn't wear me out.  People who actually are around me don't question my strength.

6. I know how to parent better now than I did at twenty or thirty.  I handle problems better because I have experience with them.  And I know I am capable because I've handled every childhood problem between autism and mumps and many other things people wouldn't think of.  If I handled those issues do you think for a moment I couldn't handle anything else thrown at me?  And you know what?  My patience level is much better now than it was twenty years ago!

7. Besides all the above.  I believe in God, and sometimes his plans are bigger than ours.  I had gone through menopause for over three years and as I worked to make my body healthy came out of it and began menstruating again last year.  It made me pray a strange little prayer-- "God is there some reason this has changed?"  I felt like the answer was something like--  "Well is there something that you regret, that you gave up on, but I didn't?"  I smiled because I knew how much it hurt when I believed I would never carry another child.  I remember going to my priest when I realized I was going through menopause.  It hurt because I had wanted more children.  It hadn't been something I had talked about much because at that time my body was having so much trouble, but now six years beyond that day, my body is healthy, and I have this second chance.

I am just tired of people thinking I am too old, too weak, too out of shape, or even too burdened to think of having another child. I've tried to understand from their perspective.

 Maybe they think a full life span is 70 years. That would only give me twenty-five years or so in their mind.  But my parents and my husband's parents are already older than that, and I don't plan to give up life before 90, very honest.  In my thirties, I'd said 120 years, but after a few health problems that I had to recover from, God and I agreed to 90 or greater instead of a 120.  Yes, I sound silly, but I have a goal greater than what people who see me could guess.  I have made an agreement with God on breaking curses that have been on my family from previous generations, and I want to be around here to see the fourth generation.  If you don't understand the reference-- go to Scripture.  Anyway, so 90 says I still have more than 40 years.  --Enough time that I should see the third generation even with my youngest children.

Or maybe for the people that knew me in my twenties and thirties-- It is the fact I was very sick then, but then haven't they seen that I not only healed, but am also healthier and at a lower weight than I was then?  In fact right now I am as healthy as I have ever been.  So then what's the problem there???

Then there is the question--- "Well don't you want to retire?"  I don't see parenting as a job, but a joy.  It really isn't something I want to give up like I would a position I had been at for thirty years. Parenting is a lifestyle.  I haven't just parented my own children, but friends of my children that were having trouble in their lives and helped raise my niece until she was five.  Besides when my husband retires that just gives us more time to spend raising our kids.  I homeschool, so it would be a beautiful time to see the capitals in all the states, or travel to Europe and see where European history happened.  So what is the issue?

Yes it is hard work.  Anything worth doing is.  Yes things could go wrong, but it could at any age.  Why does our society think women are 'old' once they pass thirty-something?  I know I am not old and I won't be for a long time.  I am not afraid of growing older.  Actually I look forward to it, but growing in age does not mean giving up life and becoming 'old'.  That is something I never want to do!  I thought about just telling people I am in my thirties just to get them to shut up, but then if they see my family they would realize it was a lie, and I don't like to lie anyway.  So proudly I say (very loudly) I AM 45!  And if I get my way I plan on having more children!  I hope any woman that is thinking the same things will Roar just as loudly.  Maybe this is another way to change this society.

This is Cat out-- Roaring again.

STUCKKKKK!

I am trying to work on Patrick's Rose!  Oh we are so close to being done!  And I'm trying to work on Love Never Fails!  But my concentration is failing.  Instead of thinking of the music pouring into my ears and that my daughter's on a date with her boyfriend and that I liked the way he smiled at her.  I think he might be the one. I'm thinking of everything but what I'm suppose to be doing!

 URGGGGGGG!

I thinking of Easter and how last week really sucked!  The problem is I need to be working on the book instead of even being here writing to whatever audience I have left after being so haphazard with my posts.

In so many places I feel STUCK, just like my titled says.  God keeps telling me to trust Him.  I'm trying.  And I hate that I am always posting about my problems!  It is frustrating to me, and so I am sure it is to others.

But here I a am again.  This is a glorified journal I am beginning to believe.

Well if your interested in my life between my ears-- here you go!  Sorry for the sarcasm but that is me most of the time-- especially lately.  So I thought maybe posting this would get me back to thinking about what I am suppose to be doing and that is writing!  This is short and aggravating.  For that I am sorry, but it is where things are.  Hope you don't mind.
This is Cat out.

My Sissy Chrissy

I am with my sister at the hospital. She is having a hystrectomy and I had to ask how to spell that BIG word. Anyway I am here with her praying for her. Honestly I am scared shitless for her, but I am doing my best to trust God is with her and will take care of her.  I love her so much and worry about the day when it comes to her final day.  I want her life to be awesome instead I know it has been hard for her. Many times my prayers center over that fact. Some of her problems she has made herself and I know some people have judged her for it, but I feel her pain and I love her to much to see harshly.  She is my sister. And despite her faults I love her so very much. I hope and pray that everything goes well. My fear is losing her. I think about that each time she does something she shouldn't and each time she ends up in the hospital. Everytime I get a call that she has passed out or gone to the ER for her heart issues I pray.  Each day in my prayer time I pray for her and pray for her best.  But what brings tears is I know there will be the day when I get that call... I don't want to think about it... I do anyway. If I had the choice I would make every day awesome for her. I am not God. I am only her sister. So this is where I am. Please pray for my Sissy Chris. And even if you know her don't be harsh. Because she has had more than her fair share of sorrow and pain and lost many battles. I just ask for your prayers for her.

This is Cat out.