Willing to roar???

Alright.  This is four posts in what?... two days?  So be it.  It's not like I am going to get famous this way... Not that I am trying.  This post may lead to infamy Scott Walker style, but hey what the hell...

First let me clear up a few things.  I am a stubborn,  bible believing, freedom believing, alternative medicine following, Spirit filled, Eastern Rite, conservative, Catholic, homeschooling, author, writer, constitutionalist, staunchly pro-life, mama bear of a mother.  I rebel at being told what to do by those who have no clue who I am or what I stand for.  And if any one messes with my kids--  well it won't go good for them-- lets just say that.  I am angry at what I see in this country, and I am angry at people for not standing up to fight-- I am not talking about the battle field.  I am talking in daily life.

 Now if that doesn't get me burned at the stake in this society, just let me go on.  I talk to God and his saints every day, and once in awhile he talks back.  Prayer is the thing that makes life for me livable.  I see his hand in all around me, and I trust Him when I trust no one else or even if I do.    I do not like my faith being made fun of or being made light of by anyone.  I also do not make fun or make light of others faith or lack there of.  So what I have to say next you can like or not, even agree or not, but read it for what it is worth and maybe even listen to the message behind it.

Today was a day He talked back.  He told me to start a dialogue in this forum with anyone that will listen.

Today's topic is dignity.  I believe every human has dignity, not because of what they do, believe, or give, but because they are. --because God made each of us.  Whether you are Christian or not, whether you believe the same as I do or not does not lesson your dignity.  I believe because of that everyone should have a voice, and if they don't someone should be willing to speak for them.  Out of this believe comes the belief that every life is a gift and is precious.  Every stage of life is valuable.  This is where my pro-life views come out of.  It isn't just the abortion debate, but all human life from conception through death and every stage in between.  This is also where my belief in freedom comes from.  There should be freedom to speak and disagree, freedom to believe, freedom to think and process, freedom to bear arms, freedom to rebel, freedom to be safe, and freedom to live-- just to name some of the inherent freedoms that come with being human.  It is the reason I have loved the country that I believed America to be.

Except we have lost this.  It's gone.  We keep pretending it is there, but seriously?  How free are we anymore?  Let's talk about-- pick a topic--  insurance.  Is it alright if we don't want to be insured?  No we are fined.  Is it alright if we are in public service and are vocal about our conservative views?  Scott Walker-- No.  We will be mocked and subpoenaed...  Maybe even audited by the IRS.  To over hear people talk having alternative conservative beliefs is just down right crazy.  So can we be honest with ourselves?  We lost the fight.

  We lost our fight because of our apathy and that royally pisses me off because anything that has ever meant anything I have had to fight for.  I have a motto. 'NEVER GIVE UP!'  I've weathered things that no one should have to, and I made it through.  If you've read my posts you can guess. Damn it!  We want to complain how things are going!  Man this is awful!  We keep losing more freedom!  The schools are lousy!  Why doesn't that teacher really teach my kid??  And why are we so lax on our borders?  We are excellent complainers!

But what are we doing about it????  Who's willing to change their lifestyle to make a change in this country?  It's not just leadership that needs to change.  It is our own homes.  What do we want our life to be?  We begin in our homes and work out from there to our community, then state and ultimately change our land.  Here's the deal, I am only one person.  It isn't something I can do alone.  Those of us that love freedom need to work together.

It's nice to read a post or tweet, or blog, but do we change?  I WANT CHANGE!  So I am starting here.  Actually I started in the way I raised my kids, but I'm calling out anyone that wants to see a moral constitutional country again.  Step up and let's talk.  Let's make plans.  Let's figure out how to get there.  Can we begin the discussion?  Let's exchange ideas. And let's take action.

I am posting-- telling you who I am, and what I want to see changed.  Right now I am talking about beliefs.  But in coming posts I will talk about many things.  Who's up to speaking out?  Who's up to beginning the discussion to figure out what we want and how we're going to go about forcing the changes to get there?  Message me.  Let's talk.  I live in Illinois.  It's not the freest state, but it is where I am and where I will start.  Is there anyone reading this who wants change but feels like they have no voice?  Well two speak louder than one.  Have you ever heard a lion roar?  My roar isn't there yet, but if we gather a crowd we may get heard.  Is there anyone out there willing to start?  This is not just a post, but a plea to those that don't know where to start on a society change.  Join me.  I don't exactly know where to begin, but maybe a few of us can figure it out.  Then maybe others will join us and we begin.

Are you willing to make a roar?

Want change? A little rebellion would go a long way (I got my color back by the way)

I figured it out.  Last night I went to bed finally around three feeling stuck in a weird gray area that was bugging the shit out of me (excuse the cuss-- I don't usually, especially in writing).  This morning I was awoken by my son yelling at my husband over learning math.  He has a struggle with math and gets really frustrated with new concepts, and so several times a week that is the way the household is awoken (that's a much longer story that's place is not here right now. If you want to understand that one, message me.).  But I figured out what was causing the gray, and also a need to shout out to all of you.  It is America that is causing it.

Alright, before you tell me I am being melodramatic, let me explain.  In this last week I have been talking to many people about the issues in America, and holding back my own thoughts because not having the space or time to really go into them... Being a mouse again.

So here are my thoughts-- And maybe here again I need to roar! (reference from my Nov 30th post Am I a Mouse Named Cat)

America is in a place she has not seen before.  Honestly I don't know, if things keep going the way they are going, if we will have another real election.  We keep talking about leadership change and I keep thinking-- We need people change too.  Yes, the way the country is being run is the problem.  But who runs this country?  Who allows the politicians to do what they are doing?  We don't have to accept the status quo. We have the constitutional right to rebel.

It will take a mobilized people to change this country for the better. But the changes don't just need to happen in the government.  They need to happen in all areas.

Lets start in every household.  How are you raising your children?  Are you raising them to play with ideas?  To come up with their own solutions?  Or do you teach them to accept everything they are taught?  The first time that thinking outside the 'normal' lines was alright to me was when I decided to live life differently.  The school system was failing my two daughters, and I was being told that they needed to change.  But I liked who they were.  That was in 1998.  On a day when I realized that same educational model had failed me too.  I decided to try educating them myself.  I had always said 'I'm not a teacher'.  I'm not, but you know what?  I am a problem solver.  We had so much fun playing with new ideas and learning what we thought.  I stopped asking them to accept things there was little evidence for, but instead ask them to research and find what was out there.  Our view of this world changed because I did the same thing with them.

I don't want to raise drones in a drone society.  Fastly, that is what this society is becoming.  We hate what the USSR was.  But did you know they had elections?  They just didn't have people running that looked different and the elections were rigged.  They had government schools that brainwashed instead of teaching thinking skills and letting the students use them.  They had secret police that listened in on what the people were saying and any idea outside what was accepted was not alright.  People thought they had to tell on those that thought differently than the brain washing schools taught.  We're close to that.  Is that what we want?

Listen along the way, we need to stop being a society driven into a panic attack every time something bad happens.  We can't make a new law to stop the bad.  We are eroding our freedom by our fear.  We will have those that will use a gun and kill someone, but limiting our people by telling the ones that just want to be able to protect themselves that they can't have guns is the country having a fit of anxiety.  Guess what?  The bad guys can get guns on the black market, or build one themselves.  If someone wants to do harm, you are not going to stop them.  They will find a way to do it.  Let's give freedom back to the good people.  That goes for the damned airports also.  There are many places we had fits with!  Think about it.  You're smart enough to figure it out.  Think about freedom and all the places that's been taken away because of our irrational fear of being harmed.  I'm sure there is a law for that!  So what is the solution?  Courage Man!  Stop being a freaking mouse wanting the government to stop all the ills!  Take on some of the burden yourself!

If your beliefs are different than mine, that's alright.  Let me have mine where ever I am, and I'll let you have yours.  We can even talk about it.  Hey an exchange of ideals is a good thing.  Freedom of religion is a good thing.  It's alright for people to pray in public, and it's alright for you to choose not to.  What are we so afraid of?  Is this just your country?  Is it just mine?  Let's work together.  I'm going to ask my God to help me, and I'm going to do that out loud in public and I am going to pick people to help direct this country that have those same ideals.  You have the right to do the opposite.  That is your right.  I am not going to stop you, but please give me the dignity to stop trying to take away my freedom.  There are many different beliefs in this country.  It is alright to show them, teach them, talk about them, and have them within the schools and government offices.  We are not just one thing.  Remember that playing with ideas thing?  As adults lets start doing that.  I'm not afraid of your ideas or ideals.  I'm willing to listen even if I don't agree.  Are you willing to do the same?

  Now let's talk about all these government departments and all the tax they generate.  As a society we need to stop.  Let's start with caning the IRS.  How about a 15% sales tax everybody pays when they buy things.  You know that then goes for foreigners who buy things while in this country, and illegals who are here because of our lax borders.  We are going to need some government, and that should be more than enough to pay for it.  Turn states rights back over to the states.  So get rid of any department that erodes the rights of states-- example the department of education.  With the state of our schools, they sure as hell aren't doing their job anyhow!   Fifteen percent is much much less than most of us pay in taxes and will allow people to be able to live on their income again instead of supporting a bankrupt government that charges exorbitantly for it's piss poor management and control.

Let's teach the Constitution, personal responsibility, compassion, working hard, determination, and yes a little rebellion.  Along with that reading, writing, and arithmetic.  Let our parents decide how they want to run their families.  Families are you medical model?  Are you alternative medical model?  That's alright. Do you want to teach the bible?  Do you want to teach the Jewish faith?  Do you want to teach the Muslim faith?  Do you want to abstain from teaching faith at all?  That's alright. Schools are not parents.  They aren't to take over for parents.  Parents need to guide their families.  If they choose to send their child to school, then the school needs to remember that the parent is giving them a trust-- not their child.  They need to be respectful of that trust and stay within the bounds of being a school.

Now lets talk about Social Security, Welfare reform, and personal responsibility.  If we want to change things then this is where we really do it!  Look around you.  Are there members of your own family that need your help?  Then do it, if you have the ability.  In our churches, homes, and businesses we need to give to those that do not have enough.  It's not the government's job!  If we fail then what do we expect?  Of course people are going to relegate it to an unknown source! (I.E. the government because then we don't have to actually have compassion and we just have to complain.).  If people have paid into Social Security, don't you think they should have some say in how it is invested?  PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!!!  We are our brother's keepers.  We need to help those who need help.  No more handouts from an unknown source!  If you convince a woman to carry her baby instead of having an abortion, then the next step is being her friend and helping her figure out how she is going to do life.  Maybe it is helping her with childcare while she works.  Maybe it is giving her a place to live while she gets on her feet.  Maybe it is encouraging her to finish school so she will be able to support her child.  Maybe it is introducing her to a childless couple who desperately want to be parents.  The first thing it is, is listening to her heart, and helping her where she is.

We need medical reform, but not from Washington, but from our heart.  It is alright to try things different.  It is alright for you to choose to vaccinate your child and me not to.  It is alright to choose to have a home birth or to choose a hospital.  I'll do my research and figure out what works for me and my family.  I hope you will do the same and not just believe it because so and so says so.  These are not government issues-- or at least they shouldn't be.  These are heart issues and moral issues-- not bench issues.  If we are going to be a free country then this is another place we need to accept freedom.  We are not always going to agree.  I may hate your choices.  You may hate mine.  That's alright.  That doesn't mean mine were bad and neither were yours.  They were different.  The biggest thing both of us can agree on is make informed choices.

This is how we change our country.  It will take a generation.  And it will take us changing.  Do we want to keep going the way we are going, or do we want freedom?  A little rebellion would go a long way about now.  Who's ready to roar?  Who's ready to exchange ideas?  Who's ready to accept each other where we are?  Who's ready to say they don't have all the answers but they will implement the ones they do have?  Who's ready to stand up and be counted?  Who's ready to roar instead of being a mouse?

This is Cat out--- ROARING.

NEED COLOR!!!!!!!

Have you ever had a week that was like a let down after a really amazing time?  Have you ever had that without the amazing time to explain the let down?  That's kinda been this week.  Kinda just doing this 'blaaaa' thing.  I'm prone to emotional ups and downs.  This is just a steady gray.  I like color.  I'll always choose reds, purples, orange, deep royal blue; you know deep, vibrant, color.  Gray just doesn't do it.  Yet this week is just gray.  Maybe even beige which is worse than gray because it has almost no color at all.  I don't do bland in anything, but that's where I am.  Even my writing feel calm-- no spice.  I rewrote the scene that was really bothering me and it still is blaa.  I think it is just me, and I am not like that.  So I am unsure what to do.  Hence when I should be going to bed I am here making this post.  This isn't me.  I mean I am prone to depression if I don't watch myself, and I can get ecstatic.  I'm kinda loopy.  And watch out when I'm angry-- go hide!  (You can see all the colors thing now right?)  But here it's none of those.  It's just there and nothing more and nothing less.  What is this place?  I don't like it.  Hopefully tomorrow will return my color.

The Reward of Staying the Course

This photo of a beautiful young woman is my daughter Hope and I am very proud of her.  There are many reasons I should be proud of her, but the particular one I want to talk about makes her, not just my wonderful daughter, but an amazing person in general.

Around six years ago, at the time she was just coming into adolescence, she had two older teen sisters who were in the middle of a rebellion that would have made the most seasoned mother cringe.  It was a doozy of a time! I think I earned my gold metal mother badge for those years.

Hope, though, as she was watching what was going on in their life looked at it seriously.  She said to me, "Mom, I don't want to go there." and she meant it.  She began asking questions both of them and me about what was going on with them.  --Not out of lack of sensitiveness, but because she was trying to understand what caused them to make the choices they were making.  She began reading books about purity and dating, and began to ask question of what was right and wrong.  In that time she began to formulate a plan of how she wanted to get to adulthood, and it was very different from the path her sister's had carved.

Now if I was to stop the story here, her story would not be that different from her sisters, because both of them had told me very similar things at the same age, but Hope took it further.  She continued to ask questions and read to figure out her course, and there were times of tears because she felt like her life would never start.  She continued to work on the steps to get to her path.  She watched both her sisters while they were pregnant with her niece and nephew and was there for both births.  As exciting as it was, it also hurt, because she saw their life and how interesting it looked and she felt very stuck.  But she stayed her course and kept doing the things she would need to do in order to get to where she was trying to go.  At the time she was planning to be a teacher.

At fifteen we visited colleges and she found her university.  She choose Quincy where she is now going to school, and two years seemed so far away!  But she stay her course even at the most frustrating of times.  Even when she volunteered in a classroom, and discovered being a teacher really wasn't the path she wanted to take, she bucked up and adjusted the course and kept going.

At sixteen she got her first job and saved as much money as she could for college.  That June she graduated a year early.  Having decided she was going to get a nursing degree she went to her first college class--a CNA class and got her certification.  Then worked full time at a nursing home for six months before beginning college in the fall.  In all this time she wouldn't even talk to boys.  There was one that really liked her, but she pretty much ignored him because she wasn't going to allow anything to distract her.

Last fall she began college at the university she had picked two years before with a scholarship that covered about half her tuition.  She began to see the reward for her hard work.  Everyone was cheering for her.  Her sisters where so proud of her.  Her grandparents and her father and I were also very proud of her.

But there was more struggle just beginning...  Hope has a form of autism called  Asperger's Syndrome.  She also has very severe food allergies.  Within the first few weeks we found that the cafeteria food didn't work, even as they tried to work with her.  The money she had saved for college she had to use for an expense we hadn't anticipated-- her daily meals even though we had paid for her to eat at the cafeteria.  At the same time being in a dorm with another person and having no privacy was another problem we weren't sure would work, but she had decided to try it.  Then at the beginning of November everything hit bottom.  She ended up having a panic attack and I made a midnight trip to Quincy to help her through.  At this point she could have given up and come home and started college in town in January.  I know she thought about it, but once more she stayed the course.  With her guidance counselor, a physiologist, her dad and I, and the housing department we figured out a different living arrangement that made her feel much more comfortable.  It took several weeks of working through many hoops and she still had to keep up with her classes with  no change in her living arrangements.  I went down every couple weeks to spend time with her and give her some comfort.

Finally, a couple weeks before the end of the semester, an apartment in the building she was living in opened up.  Again I saw her reward for her faithfulness and her willing to stay the course. She also in the last two weeks felt the pressure she had had all semester lift and began trying a few new things and in that time made the beginnings of new friendships.  We moved her things into the apartment then she came home for Christmas in high spirits.  During the break she received her grades.  She had passed all her classes with flying colors!  Again she realized her hard work really did pay off.

This semester began and she was more confident.  She began trying new things.  Those friends she had found she spent time with and on facebook I would see her smiling face with other smiling faces. When we would talk she would be bubbly and happy and gladly tell me all about the things she was doing.  I saw how she had learned not only to balance school, but now the beginnings of a social life. There had been times as a teen she had ached to have friends, but she was focused and driven by her goals.  My family had wondered if she would be able to go off to college and do well.  Now I saw how that drive had given her time to become who she needed to be.

During this time she met a young man from another university.  This is the part that brings tears to my eyes-- good tears. She saw all the boyfriends her sisters went through, and she saw their heartbreak when it ended.  She saw the pain of being rejected that the sister closest to her in age has had.  She looked at their life closely and it was watching their pain that caused her to read so much about purity and dating.  There were times when she really ached to have the attention they seemed to have before it would fall apart, but she had stayed back from seeking it because she believed she needed to work on her own maturity and work on her goals before she dove into any kind of relationship.

You see, more than anything, Hope wants to be married and be a mother.  That is her biggest dream, but her secondary dream in to be a midwife because when she saw her sister's giving birth she discovered something about herself.  She found out that she loves pregnancy, birth, mothers, and babies more than almost anything.  She could have sought a relationship as a high schooler, but she choose to wait and work on her goals to get herself set up for college.  She worked on having an excellent reputation.  She worked on studying to get a good ACT score.  All these things she did first because she doesn't just want thrill but permanence.  In the process she struggled to understand other teens and felt out of place.  Though she had a few friends, she always felt the odd man out.  It was painful.  When she began working she found a little relief because she saw a huge difference in attitude between the working world and the teenage world, but still she was the youngest person working at either place and so was still out of place.  Hope still stayed the course, not veering even when it would have been easier to do so.

 My girl who has watched the world around her for so long finally is getting her reward.

Yesterday she went out on her first date, and she had a blast.  This young man she feels comfortable with, and he makes her laugh. They enjoy the same activities, and have the same morals and values. They talk everyday.  When I last visited her she got a sheepish grin when I noticed her texting the whole time I was there.

The point I am making is that she is ready for this.  She knows who she is, and she has worked through all kinds of problems that didn't have easy resolutions, and she waited.  Even while her sisters' lives looked so exciting she kept plodding along keeping her objectives.  And believe me, my older daughters got into some huge problems because they wanted the excitement, but she didn't let their exciting lives distract her.  Now she is getting the reward that she dreamed of six years ago... It's not just the first date, but being exactly where she dreamed to be.  It's not just good grades, but the excitement of learning about a new world.  It's not just her two older sisters telling her how proud they are of her, but feeling proud of herself.  It's the fact that she did the work and made the sacrifices to get here.  That lust to have it all, she set aside and continued to work.  This is what makes her an amazing person.  I don't meet many people like her, especially in this society, but I am so glad I had the privilege to watch her process-- her path.  I am so glad to see that there is a reward for her.  Maybe the reason I write this is to tell others there is reward for those who work so hard even amongst huge obstacles and don't give up.  She's made a believer out of me. Hopefully she will of you too.

This is Cat out.

Merry Christmas! (it is a Christmas letter)

Merry Christmas Everyone!

This has been a very full year!  I hope that this Christmas season finds everyone in a good place with the ones they love surrounding them.  We've had great things happen this year-- both struggle and accomplishment.

Our three biggest events are, in order, moving to Moline, Hope starting college two and half hours away, and Megan starting college again in town.  Those things in and of themselves are huge.

The move has been very good in many ways, and very hard in some ways.  Megan moved back in with us after five years of living in her own space, and we have all had to make adjustments.  In some ways it has been good, but there has also been struggle.  In September she decided to finish working on her degree with a change in major.  She is working on a degree in Pre-Med and planning to go on to medical school to become a doctor in obstetrics.  So far she's carrying a 4.0 gpa.  She also teaches birth classes and is still my editor and publicist for my writing.

Hope began classes in August and finished her first semester just before Christmas. In January she's moving into an apartment instead of a shared dorm.  We found out right before she started at the university that her food allergies and intolerances were greater than we knew, and as the semester began the cafeteria food did not work, and so she learned to cook her own food within the small confines of her dorm room.  But I think her one bedroom apartment will allow her a little more room to be the gourmet cook that she naturally is.  She is working toward her nursing degree and planning ultimately to be a nurse-midwife.

Todd is still working for John Deere, and I am still writing and planning to publish my second book Patrick's Rose.  Peter is thirteen and Todd is doing most of his schooling while I take care of all his doctor's appointments and counseling appointments.  He is growing into a young man and loves soccer.  Victory will be four in February and is a little fireball with a big smile.  Alex will be four in January and he and Victory are best buddies.

We like our new space.  The house we bought was built in 1905 and has the high ceilings and details from the Victorian era.  The nice thing about our home is all the necessary things have been updated-- like the boiler (May of 2013) and wiring (within the last ten years).  The kitchen is beautiful and I love the wrap around porch in the front, and the courtyard type backyard.

We live in a little bigger city and are about two hours closer to our church which makes life much more convenient. Adjusting to a new town is ahhh-- interesting.  But it has definitely been an awesome change, and I love our new town.

Hope Christmas finds all happy, warm, and life being lived to its fullest.  May you have all the blessings of the season.  May God bless your new year even more than the previous.

  Happy Holidays from us Herzogs.

Peter all dressed up.

Tory girl being her cute self.

Tory again.

Our new place.

My gorgeous kitchen.

Tory girl in the kitchen.

Todd at Naibi Zoo.

Peter at the zoo trying to see what his wing span is.

Hope's 1st day at QU

Meg and Alexander

Two Very Good Turnouts!

Monday things went well. Two very good things happened. First Hope and I had an appointment with her academic advisor and the person for on campus housing. This was HUGE! We have been working hard almost since Hope started at the university. You see Hope has a form of autism called Aspegers and on top of that she has really severe food allergies. These two things didn't work with a typical dual occupancy dorm room and cafeteria food. After talking with a psycologist, a counselor, and a couple of doctors we decided she needed to make a big change. So we limped through the semester with her making her own food with a microwave, a small crock pot, and a little fridge. But it barely worked.  Since October the school and Todd & I have brain stormed ideas.

Do we rent an apartment for her? Do we have her in a dorm where there is a kitchen but also other roommates? What about a single room? How would this effect her socially? Then at the beginning of November she had a panic attack worse than she has ever had before. It was terrible. I ended up driving down to her school in the middle of the night to calm her down.  The issue? --Having no alone space. People with Aspegers need alone time where they can create their base-- a safe place if you will. She did not have that. So that changed the whole dynamics of what everyone thought she needed.

After that I met with her advisor. But at that time nothing was available that would really work for her. So we set up this meeting we had yesterday and Hope felt stuck.  She was in tears and was more stressed than I have seen her before. I didn't realize just how worried I was about it either. Then yesterday it was like God's light shined through. It was a fluke.

The housing person was presenting the same options and Hope was trying to accept that she was still going to have a roommate when the housing person said "Hold on let me check on something." She left the room and a moment later came back to tell us that she had a small apartment in the building Hope was already in. To top that-- next week after finals Hope could move her things in and it is about a thousand dollars less expensive than the other option we had been talking about. We got to see it. Oh my goodness! Hope was ecstatic! So was I. It has a small kitchen, living room, full bathroom, and a queen size bed! I couldn't have found something so right. She will still be in the freshman building. It is a place she knows the routines. That is important. She can still walk to many of her classes and activities.  But she has the space she needs.

After that Hope decided she wanted to go to a couple events this next week on campus and I saw my happy fun loving daughter again. There was an ugly sweater party. She was really interested in and so we found an ugly sweater and bought it. Then Megan called and I got my second piece of excellent news.

Megan has also been in classes. She is working through an online school and she takes one class at a time. Each one takes seven weeks. She started a week or so after Hope and she is trying to maintain a 4.0 gpa. With this last class at two weeks in Alex became severely sick with a virus.  She came close to taking him to a hospital and we don't do hospitals. Then she got real sick. All in all it cost her two weeks, but the professor was nice and told her to keep up and work on turning in the stuff she missed. Well she worked really hard along with interviewing for jobs, being my publicist, putting together a Bradley birth class session, and-- oh yeah-- as if I could forget-- being Alex's mom.  Guess what? She got everything done for the class. She was hoping for an A- but expected a B. Turns out she got her A. Not an A- but a full blown A and her professor gave her an awesome review on her last paper.  I am so proud of her!  She found out her grade yesterday and so I had two reasons to feel good. Thought I would share some feely good stuff this time instead of my emotional ahhh crap.  Anyway this is Cat out.

Am I a mouse named Cat?

As much as I enjoyed having Thanksgiving with my family, I also struggled to keep the energy up and keep smiling.  I always love seeing Todd's parents, but the last evening they were here I kinda bailed on everyone.  I was exhausted and emotionally drained and ready to shut down and I wasn't even sure why.  It wasn't Todd's parents-- they are kinda awesome.  I enjoyed having all my children here and my sister.  Yet I also felt stuck in a pit, which I had trouble understanding.  This is not like me.  On top of that I forgot to call my mom and dad, and a few other family members that I normally would have.  Except I can't say really I forgot.  It was on my mind the whole weekend.  I kept meaning to, but just didn't.  Which again is not like me.  That brought me to my place tonight.

The last post I made on November 20th still plays heavy on my mind. -- Still feel vulnerable, angry, and out of sorts.  Rereading that post helped me hone in on what was going on inside of me.  I am wrestling with myself and the depression I've faced many times in my life.  I'm wrestling with God, even though I know he is my best defense.  I keep reminding myself that I have so much good in life, so many I love, and so much to be grateful for.  Then I answer myself back with a sarcastic 'That's great but this hurts!'   It hurts like hell-- a place I have visited in various forms over the years.  I feel so out of control and vulnerable.  It feels way too intense.  It frightens me and I want to lock all the emotions away again, except  I really don't want to go through this again when I am feeling strong just to be torn back to this semi chaotic state.  I've never let myself go all the way through this to the other side.  I'm afraid my family may never forgive me for turning their lives so upside down.  Lately especially I've done this isolation thing.  I need to get back to the things in my life that I treasure.  --Example daily Mass.  For the last several weeks I've given that up.  I feel exposed or something else that I do not know how to explain--  Like one of those dreams where you realize you are standing in the middle of a public place stark naked and try to find a place to hide-- except in the dream you always wake up.  This feeling doesn't so easily go away.  Anyone putting a hand on my shoulder will feel me instantly tense up-- even Todd.  I'm cold even when everyone else is boiling.  Usually I run around without socks on my feet-- even in the winter-- not this year.  I wear my socks to bed.

 The pain drains my rational side and leaves this blubbering idiotic emotional side that I finally get fed up with and shove it down just to come back to visit again in another few months or years.  I'm ready to lock it away again, but I don't want to deal with this agony again and again. Bottom line is this hurts.  I want so much more from life than this painful existence.  I think I want to go through this because I don't want to keep going in circles for the rest of my life.  Being stuck is really just not fun.  It is not fun for me or for those around me.  I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to heal the emotions within me, but I do know I need to heal them and as long as I shove them down or away they just fester.

It's like the physical reality of living with Staph.  If you don't do the probiotics, the diet changes, and the nutritionals-- even at times a round of antibiotics (eeekkkks!) you'll never be able to get rid of it.  You just keep having it come up each time you get a cut or a mosquito bite.  Over time it festers and becomes worse until you finally do the work.  The emotional damage is the same it doesn't go away on its own, and no manner of wishing it away or ignoring it works.  But walking through it is just about as bad as dealing with Staph.

One thing I know about is Staph-- I've had it most of my life and battled it.  Same with these old emotions.  Tonight as I tried to understand what was going on I looked up the stages of grief.  In those five stages (or seven depending on which you read) I found much of what I am dealing with.  But they kept talking about the loss of a person.  For me it's not the loss of a person...  Then I thought about that again.  In a way it is.  When I was harmed I lost-- me.  I lost the me I would have been if only I hadn't been harmed.  And suddenly it made sense.  I don't know if this will help me heal or not, but it does give me new perspective.  With the weight loss I am trying to gain back parts of myself I have lost-- like liver health and kidneys that work a little better.  I'm trying to gain back a body that moves with more ease. These are parts I gave up to 'protect' myself.  Except the beast that hurt me is no longer alive.  I am an adult who can chose who I am around.  To top that off I have this wonderful group of family around me that love me even with all my cuts and bruises.  So why should I keep the weight shield up?  It is safe to put it down.  Yet the lower I get in weight, the more emotions I deal with.

Now this is the test.  How bad do I want to heal?  How important is this to me?  How much do I want to get to my goals?  Am I willing to grieve out the loss of that almost five year old girl that would have been me?  That is where I am at.  I have to make this choice.  Here is where the road splits and I go one way or the other.   Each way goes to different end places, and each path has different sights along the way.  One way is familiar but it will not take me to the place I want to go.  One way is frightening and totally unfamiliar, but ultimately it will take me the direction not only that I want to go but that I need to go.  The real question is if I remain the mouse named Cat.  Or do I take on my own roar.