True tales

Alright here it goes. First I am probably not going to 'advertise' this post by talking about it on Facebook or Twitter because it is a little more personal. So if you come across this then either it is a God thing or you must really like reading my blog (that is really saying something considering the things I post!).

So my husband and I right now are paying for three houses. There are days where we don't know where the next tank of gas is coming from (as far as finances goes), and we do so much travel for Peter's medical and our religious devotion and also because of my medical stuff. On Friday it was one of these days. Peter had an appointment and I literally had spent my last dollar for his doctor. We were suppose to go to lunch and I had no cash. This was Peter's weekly time with his friend and so it was important. Honestly I didn't want to disappoint him but I had nothing. I had checked every pocket of my purse to be able to pay for the doctor appointment. I knew there wasn't even a dollar. We drove there thinking we would go there and talk then eat when we got home. I said a small prayer silently about our finances and we drove there. I reached into my purse to put my phone away and I found a ten and two ones, just enough for lunch. I know the money was not there a hour and a half earlier at the doctor's office. It was the proof I needed right then that God cares about each little thing in our life and it brought tears to my eyes. It was also a reminder that he still does have control over all even when I feel the most in a tail spin, and very honest at the moment before this happened I very much felt that dizzy tail spin with its wild scary out of control spiral downward. With that little bit of money for lunch it was a reminder it truly all is in his hand.

These little reminders I am grateful for. This is Cat out wishing you a blessed day.

Is everyone over 35 or 40 to 'old' to have children? Why isn't it alright for age just to be a number?

I want to have more children.  Point blank.  There is the blunt statement that usually gets me in trouble.  I have a feeling anyone my age would be given similar grief.  But there are so many women having children after 40.  So what is the big deal?  Why are women given so much grief for being 35-40+ and having children?  What about the celebrates that choose to have children while 'older'?  I have a fried that has eight children and is in her fifties with her youngest child being 2 and her oldest in his twenties.  Another friend of mine had her first child at 35 and is thinking about having her second.  She would be close to 40 by that time.  A very close friend of mine had her first child at 37 and would love to have another child.  Her daughter is 13 and she is 50.  Why do we have a problem with this?  My best friend had her last child at 42 and would have had more except she went through menopause.  These women are all around me, and what I find is they are good mothers and even if they had problems carrying their pregnancies it wasn't anything to do with their age.  For most of them there were no complications and their age was a benefit not a detriment both to their parenting and to carrying a child.  With me it is no different.  My four year old gets ten times better parenting and attention than my first two children did just simply because I understand children so much better now.  She's the youngest of five, and I'd really like her to have a younger sibling.

People around me get to know me, and before they hear my age, they comment how strong I am and how active.  I love this, because this is how I feel; healthy, vibrant, and still youthful.

Then they see my 24 year old daughter and my grandson, and they furrow their brow.  "You're not old enough to be a grandmother!"  I laugh.  "Well, I started a little younger than some."  And they nod a little.  Usually before this I've told them that I'm thinking of having more children, that I really love my kids, and I feel like my husband and I are good parents.  This generally goes over well until this point when they figure out I am 45.  Then they shake their head and say something like "Have you thought about how old you will be when the child is twenty?"  My response is usually "4 or 5 years older than when Tory turns twenty."

To these people, I hardly contain the question  "And your point is?"  I'm am getting fed up with people expecting a forty something year old woman to just stop living because she is approaching 'old'.  Let me clarify a few things.

1. I am not old.  Old is a state of mind.  And any woman is not old unless that is her state of mind!

2. My body is stronger than it was at twenty and no one complained about me having a child then.

3. I have a wonderful husband and family who if I should decide to have another child will be there and it is our decision not society's decision.

4. I know at least three women friends that have had children after 40.

5. I am not weak nor out of shape.  Yes, I am heavier than I would like to be, but I am healthy and eating more healthfully than anyone I know.  I can run and play with my four year old, and run up the steps of my home.  I've been walking each day, and it doesn't wear me out.  People who actually are around me don't question my strength.

6. I know how to parent better now than I did at twenty or thirty.  I handle problems better because I have experience with them.  And I know I am capable because I've handled every childhood problem between autism and mumps and many other things people wouldn't think of.  If I handled those issues do you think for a moment I couldn't handle anything else thrown at me?  And you know what?  My patience level is much better now than it was twenty years ago!

7. Besides all the above.  I believe in God, and sometimes his plans are bigger than ours.  I had gone through menopause for over three years and as I worked to make my body healthy came out of it and began menstruating again last year.  It made me pray a strange little prayer-- "God is there some reason this has changed?"  I felt like the answer was something like--  "Well is there something that you regret, that you gave up on, but I didn't?"  I smiled because I knew how much it hurt when I believed I would never carry another child.  I remember going to my priest when I realized I was going through menopause.  It hurt because I had wanted more children.  It hadn't been something I had talked about much because at that time my body was having so much trouble, but now six years beyond that day, my body is healthy, and I have this second chance.

I am just tired of people thinking I am too old, too weak, too out of shape, or even too burdened to think of having another child. I've tried to understand from their perspective.

 Maybe they think a full life span is 70 years. That would only give me twenty-five years or so in their mind.  But my parents and my husband's parents are already older than that, and I don't plan to give up life before 90, very honest.  In my thirties, I'd said 120 years, but after a few health problems that I had to recover from, God and I agreed to 90 or greater instead of a 120.  Yes, I sound silly, but I have a goal greater than what people who see me could guess.  I have made an agreement with God on breaking curses that have been on my family from previous generations, and I want to be around here to see the fourth generation.  If you don't understand the reference-- go to Scripture.  Anyway, so 90 says I still have more than 40 years.  --Enough time that I should see the third generation even with my youngest children.

Or maybe for the people that knew me in my twenties and thirties-- It is the fact I was very sick then, but then haven't they seen that I not only healed, but am also healthier and at a lower weight than I was then?  In fact right now I am as healthy as I have ever been.  So then what's the problem there???

Then there is the question--- "Well don't you want to retire?"  I don't see parenting as a job, but a joy.  It really isn't something I want to give up like I would a position I had been at for thirty years. Parenting is a lifestyle.  I haven't just parented my own children, but friends of my children that were having trouble in their lives and helped raise my niece until she was five.  Besides when my husband retires that just gives us more time to spend raising our kids.  I homeschool, so it would be a beautiful time to see the capitals in all the states, or travel to Europe and see where European history happened.  So what is the issue?

Yes it is hard work.  Anything worth doing is.  Yes things could go wrong, but it could at any age.  Why does our society think women are 'old' once they pass thirty-something?  I know I am not old and I won't be for a long time.  I am not afraid of growing older.  Actually I look forward to it, but growing in age does not mean giving up life and becoming 'old'.  That is something I never want to do!  I thought about just telling people I am in my thirties just to get them to shut up, but then if they see my family they would realize it was a lie, and I don't like to lie anyway.  So proudly I say (very loudly) I AM 45!  And if I get my way I plan on having more children!  I hope any woman that is thinking the same things will Roar just as loudly.  Maybe this is another way to change this society.

This is Cat out-- Roaring again.

STUCKKKKK!

I am trying to work on Patrick's Rose!  Oh we are so close to being done!  And I'm trying to work on Love Never Fails!  But my concentration is failing.  Instead of thinking of the music pouring into my ears and that my daughter's on a date with her boyfriend and that I liked the way he smiled at her.  I think he might be the one. I'm thinking of everything but what I'm suppose to be doing!

 URGGGGGGG!

I thinking of Easter and how last week really sucked!  The problem is I need to be working on the book instead of even being here writing to whatever audience I have left after being so haphazard with my posts.

In so many places I feel STUCK, just like my titled says.  God keeps telling me to trust Him.  I'm trying.  And I hate that I am always posting about my problems!  It is frustrating to me, and so I am sure it is to others.

But here I a am again.  This is a glorified journal I am beginning to believe.

Well if your interested in my life between my ears-- here you go!  Sorry for the sarcasm but that is me most of the time-- especially lately.  So I thought maybe posting this would get me back to thinking about what I am suppose to be doing and that is writing!  This is short and aggravating.  For that I am sorry, but it is where things are.  Hope you don't mind.
This is Cat out.

My Sissy Chrissy

I am with my sister at the hospital. She is having a hystrectomy and I had to ask how to spell that BIG word. Anyway I am here with her praying for her. Honestly I am scared shitless for her, but I am doing my best to trust God is with her and will take care of her.  I love her so much and worry about the day when it comes to her final day.  I want her life to be awesome instead I know it has been hard for her. Many times my prayers center over that fact. Some of her problems she has made herself and I know some people have judged her for it, but I feel her pain and I love her to much to see harshly.  She is my sister. And despite her faults I love her so very much. I hope and pray that everything goes well. My fear is losing her. I think about that each time she does something she shouldn't and each time she ends up in the hospital. Everytime I get a call that she has passed out or gone to the ER for her heart issues I pray.  Each day in my prayer time I pray for her and pray for her best.  But what brings tears is I know there will be the day when I get that call... I don't want to think about it... I do anyway. If I had the choice I would make every day awesome for her. I am not God. I am only her sister. So this is where I am. Please pray for my Sissy Chris. And even if you know her don't be harsh. Because she has had more than her fair share of sorrow and pain and lost many battles. I just ask for your prayers for her.

This is Cat out.

Willing to roar???

Alright.  This is four posts in what?... two days?  So be it.  It's not like I am going to get famous this way... Not that I am trying.  This post may lead to infamy Scott Walker style, but hey what the hell...

First let me clear up a few things.  I am a stubborn,  bible believing, freedom believing, alternative medicine following, Spirit filled, Eastern Rite, conservative, Catholic, homeschooling, author, writer, constitutionalist, staunchly pro-life, mama bear of a mother.  I rebel at being told what to do by those who have no clue who I am or what I stand for.  And if any one messes with my kids--  well it won't go good for them-- lets just say that.  I am angry at what I see in this country, and I am angry at people for not standing up to fight-- I am not talking about the battle field.  I am talking in daily life.

 Now if that doesn't get me burned at the stake in this society, just let me go on.  I talk to God and his saints every day, and once in awhile he talks back.  Prayer is the thing that makes life for me livable.  I see his hand in all around me, and I trust Him when I trust no one else or even if I do.    I do not like my faith being made fun of or being made light of by anyone.  I also do not make fun or make light of others faith or lack there of.  So what I have to say next you can like or not, even agree or not, but read it for what it is worth and maybe even listen to the message behind it.

Today was a day He talked back.  He told me to start a dialogue in this forum with anyone that will listen.

Today's topic is dignity.  I believe every human has dignity, not because of what they do, believe, or give, but because they are. --because God made each of us.  Whether you are Christian or not, whether you believe the same as I do or not does not lesson your dignity.  I believe because of that everyone should have a voice, and if they don't someone should be willing to speak for them.  Out of this believe comes the belief that every life is a gift and is precious.  Every stage of life is valuable.  This is where my pro-life views come out of.  It isn't just the abortion debate, but all human life from conception through death and every stage in between.  This is also where my belief in freedom comes from.  There should be freedom to speak and disagree, freedom to believe, freedom to think and process, freedom to bear arms, freedom to rebel, freedom to be safe, and freedom to live-- just to name some of the inherent freedoms that come with being human.  It is the reason I have loved the country that I believed America to be.

Except we have lost this.  It's gone.  We keep pretending it is there, but seriously?  How free are we anymore?  Let's talk about-- pick a topic--  insurance.  Is it alright if we don't want to be insured?  No we are fined.  Is it alright if we are in public service and are vocal about our conservative views?  Scott Walker-- No.  We will be mocked and subpoenaed...  Maybe even audited by the IRS.  To over hear people talk having alternative conservative beliefs is just down right crazy.  So can we be honest with ourselves?  We lost the fight.

  We lost our fight because of our apathy and that royally pisses me off because anything that has ever meant anything I have had to fight for.  I have a motto. 'NEVER GIVE UP!'  I've weathered things that no one should have to, and I made it through.  If you've read my posts you can guess. Damn it!  We want to complain how things are going!  Man this is awful!  We keep losing more freedom!  The schools are lousy!  Why doesn't that teacher really teach my kid??  And why are we so lax on our borders?  We are excellent complainers!

But what are we doing about it????  Who's willing to change their lifestyle to make a change in this country?  It's not just leadership that needs to change.  It is our own homes.  What do we want our life to be?  We begin in our homes and work out from there to our community, then state and ultimately change our land.  Here's the deal, I am only one person.  It isn't something I can do alone.  Those of us that love freedom need to work together.

It's nice to read a post or tweet, or blog, but do we change?  I WANT CHANGE!  So I am starting here.  Actually I started in the way I raised my kids, but I'm calling out anyone that wants to see a moral constitutional country again.  Step up and let's talk.  Let's make plans.  Let's figure out how to get there.  Can we begin the discussion?  Let's exchange ideas. And let's take action.

I am posting-- telling you who I am, and what I want to see changed.  Right now I am talking about beliefs.  But in coming posts I will talk about many things.  Who's up to speaking out?  Who's up to beginning the discussion to figure out what we want and how we're going to go about forcing the changes to get there?  Message me.  Let's talk.  I live in Illinois.  It's not the freest state, but it is where I am and where I will start.  Is there anyone reading this who wants change but feels like they have no voice?  Well two speak louder than one.  Have you ever heard a lion roar?  My roar isn't there yet, but if we gather a crowd we may get heard.  Is there anyone out there willing to start?  This is not just a post, but a plea to those that don't know where to start on a society change.  Join me.  I don't exactly know where to begin, but maybe a few of us can figure it out.  Then maybe others will join us and we begin.

Are you willing to make a roar?

Want change? A little rebellion would go a long way (I got my color back by the way)

I figured it out.  Last night I went to bed finally around three feeling stuck in a weird gray area that was bugging the shit out of me (excuse the cuss-- I don't usually, especially in writing).  This morning I was awoken by my son yelling at my husband over learning math.  He has a struggle with math and gets really frustrated with new concepts, and so several times a week that is the way the household is awoken (that's a much longer story that's place is not here right now. If you want to understand that one, message me.).  But I figured out what was causing the gray, and also a need to shout out to all of you.  It is America that is causing it.

Alright, before you tell me I am being melodramatic, let me explain.  In this last week I have been talking to many people about the issues in America, and holding back my own thoughts because not having the space or time to really go into them... Being a mouse again.

So here are my thoughts-- And maybe here again I need to roar! (reference from my Nov 30th post Am I a Mouse Named Cat)

America is in a place she has not seen before.  Honestly I don't know, if things keep going the way they are going, if we will have another real election.  We keep talking about leadership change and I keep thinking-- We need people change too.  Yes, the way the country is being run is the problem.  But who runs this country?  Who allows the politicians to do what they are doing?  We don't have to accept the status quo. We have the constitutional right to rebel.

It will take a mobilized people to change this country for the better. But the changes don't just need to happen in the government.  They need to happen in all areas.

Lets start in every household.  How are you raising your children?  Are you raising them to play with ideas?  To come up with their own solutions?  Or do you teach them to accept everything they are taught?  The first time that thinking outside the 'normal' lines was alright to me was when I decided to live life differently.  The school system was failing my two daughters, and I was being told that they needed to change.  But I liked who they were.  That was in 1998.  On a day when I realized that same educational model had failed me too.  I decided to try educating them myself.  I had always said 'I'm not a teacher'.  I'm not, but you know what?  I am a problem solver.  We had so much fun playing with new ideas and learning what we thought.  I stopped asking them to accept things there was little evidence for, but instead ask them to research and find what was out there.  Our view of this world changed because I did the same thing with them.

I don't want to raise drones in a drone society.  Fastly, that is what this society is becoming.  We hate what the USSR was.  But did you know they had elections?  They just didn't have people running that looked different and the elections were rigged.  They had government schools that brainwashed instead of teaching thinking skills and letting the students use them.  They had secret police that listened in on what the people were saying and any idea outside what was accepted was not alright.  People thought they had to tell on those that thought differently than the brain washing schools taught.  We're close to that.  Is that what we want?

Listen along the way, we need to stop being a society driven into a panic attack every time something bad happens.  We can't make a new law to stop the bad.  We are eroding our freedom by our fear.  We will have those that will use a gun and kill someone, but limiting our people by telling the ones that just want to be able to protect themselves that they can't have guns is the country having a fit of anxiety.  Guess what?  The bad guys can get guns on the black market, or build one themselves.  If someone wants to do harm, you are not going to stop them.  They will find a way to do it.  Let's give freedom back to the good people.  That goes for the damned airports also.  There are many places we had fits with!  Think about it.  You're smart enough to figure it out.  Think about freedom and all the places that's been taken away because of our irrational fear of being harmed.  I'm sure there is a law for that!  So what is the solution?  Courage Man!  Stop being a freaking mouse wanting the government to stop all the ills!  Take on some of the burden yourself!

If your beliefs are different than mine, that's alright.  Let me have mine where ever I am, and I'll let you have yours.  We can even talk about it.  Hey an exchange of ideals is a good thing.  Freedom of religion is a good thing.  It's alright for people to pray in public, and it's alright for you to choose not to.  What are we so afraid of?  Is this just your country?  Is it just mine?  Let's work together.  I'm going to ask my God to help me, and I'm going to do that out loud in public and I am going to pick people to help direct this country that have those same ideals.  You have the right to do the opposite.  That is your right.  I am not going to stop you, but please give me the dignity to stop trying to take away my freedom.  There are many different beliefs in this country.  It is alright to show them, teach them, talk about them, and have them within the schools and government offices.  We are not just one thing.  Remember that playing with ideas thing?  As adults lets start doing that.  I'm not afraid of your ideas or ideals.  I'm willing to listen even if I don't agree.  Are you willing to do the same?

  Now let's talk about all these government departments and all the tax they generate.  As a society we need to stop.  Let's start with caning the IRS.  How about a 15% sales tax everybody pays when they buy things.  You know that then goes for foreigners who buy things while in this country, and illegals who are here because of our lax borders.  We are going to need some government, and that should be more than enough to pay for it.  Turn states rights back over to the states.  So get rid of any department that erodes the rights of states-- example the department of education.  With the state of our schools, they sure as hell aren't doing their job anyhow!   Fifteen percent is much much less than most of us pay in taxes and will allow people to be able to live on their income again instead of supporting a bankrupt government that charges exorbitantly for it's piss poor management and control.

Let's teach the Constitution, personal responsibility, compassion, working hard, determination, and yes a little rebellion.  Along with that reading, writing, and arithmetic.  Let our parents decide how they want to run their families.  Families are you medical model?  Are you alternative medical model?  That's alright. Do you want to teach the bible?  Do you want to teach the Jewish faith?  Do you want to teach the Muslim faith?  Do you want to abstain from teaching faith at all?  That's alright. Schools are not parents.  They aren't to take over for parents.  Parents need to guide their families.  If they choose to send their child to school, then the school needs to remember that the parent is giving them a trust-- not their child.  They need to be respectful of that trust and stay within the bounds of being a school.

Now lets talk about Social Security, Welfare reform, and personal responsibility.  If we want to change things then this is where we really do it!  Look around you.  Are there members of your own family that need your help?  Then do it, if you have the ability.  In our churches, homes, and businesses we need to give to those that do not have enough.  It's not the government's job!  If we fail then what do we expect?  Of course people are going to relegate it to an unknown source! (I.E. the government because then we don't have to actually have compassion and we just have to complain.).  If people have paid into Social Security, don't you think they should have some say in how it is invested?  PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!!!  We are our brother's keepers.  We need to help those who need help.  No more handouts from an unknown source!  If you convince a woman to carry her baby instead of having an abortion, then the next step is being her friend and helping her figure out how she is going to do life.  Maybe it is helping her with childcare while she works.  Maybe it is giving her a place to live while she gets on her feet.  Maybe it is encouraging her to finish school so she will be able to support her child.  Maybe it is introducing her to a childless couple who desperately want to be parents.  The first thing it is, is listening to her heart, and helping her where she is.

We need medical reform, but not from Washington, but from our heart.  It is alright to try things different.  It is alright for you to choose to vaccinate your child and me not to.  It is alright to choose to have a home birth or to choose a hospital.  I'll do my research and figure out what works for me and my family.  I hope you will do the same and not just believe it because so and so says so.  These are not government issues-- or at least they shouldn't be.  These are heart issues and moral issues-- not bench issues.  If we are going to be a free country then this is another place we need to accept freedom.  We are not always going to agree.  I may hate your choices.  You may hate mine.  That's alright.  That doesn't mean mine were bad and neither were yours.  They were different.  The biggest thing both of us can agree on is make informed choices.

This is how we change our country.  It will take a generation.  And it will take us changing.  Do we want to keep going the way we are going, or do we want freedom?  A little rebellion would go a long way about now.  Who's ready to roar?  Who's ready to exchange ideas?  Who's ready to accept each other where we are?  Who's ready to say they don't have all the answers but they will implement the ones they do have?  Who's ready to stand up and be counted?  Who's ready to roar instead of being a mouse?

This is Cat out--- ROARING.

NEED COLOR!!!!!!!

Have you ever had a week that was like a let down after a really amazing time?  Have you ever had that without the amazing time to explain the let down?  That's kinda been this week.  Kinda just doing this 'blaaaa' thing.  I'm prone to emotional ups and downs.  This is just a steady gray.  I like color.  I'll always choose reds, purples, orange, deep royal blue; you know deep, vibrant, color.  Gray just doesn't do it.  Yet this week is just gray.  Maybe even beige which is worse than gray because it has almost no color at all.  I don't do bland in anything, but that's where I am.  Even my writing feel calm-- no spice.  I rewrote the scene that was really bothering me and it still is blaa.  I think it is just me, and I am not like that.  So I am unsure what to do.  Hence when I should be going to bed I am here making this post.  This isn't me.  I mean I am prone to depression if I don't watch myself, and I can get ecstatic.  I'm kinda loopy.  And watch out when I'm angry-- go hide!  (You can see all the colors thing now right?)  But here it's none of those.  It's just there and nothing more and nothing less.  What is this place?  I don't like it.  Hopefully tomorrow will return my color.