New Resolution-- I Am Done!

This logo comes from the theme of my first book The Key to Her Heart.  That theme came from my life.  It is a motto that I decided on as an older teen so that I could live with the things that I hid away from everyone in my life as a child.
Writing was the only way I had to express my hurts so that I could survive, and because I was afraid anyone would guess I was talking about myself I fictionalized everything I wrote.

Do not get me wrong.  I love writing fiction.  It gives me so much release from everyday life.  I cannot even begin to put it into words!  But I found something when I began blogging.  Sometimes blogging was even more of a release.  Except the guilt of actually expressing myself to people was crippling!

For the last year I have barely posted.This is mainly because of a set of posts that I published last spring, and the fall out from those. People definitely have their opinions!  But you know what?  This blog is an outlet for me and sometimes the only way I know how to talk out what is going on inside.  I am not looking for drama.  I am not even looking for an opinion most times. Talking to a counselor just doesn't do it, and an hour does not begin to cover the time needed to get it out.  Besides, having to explain defeats the purpose.  But knowing somebody is hearing me does help.  So talking to my girls...  That is emotionally expensive to them.  Talking to my mom, well that sometimes brings her tears and she needs to chose when she wants to talk about it.  I am all ears when she does.  But knowing I have a place that ears do hear...  It helps.  I do not know why it does, but it does.  Six times last year I really regretted posting because I caused a stir among people, and immediately I felt guilty.  You see that is something I learned as a child.

I was told by my family...  My mother's aunt and uncles...  Do not cause commotion.  Do not speak up because it is going to hurt somebody.  Do not be dramatic.  If you speak up for your needs, you just want attention.  It is not okay to talk about it.  Suck it up.  Get over it. Whatever you do don't talk about it!  Sweep it under the rug and pretend it is okay even if you are dying inside.

Well you know what?  I am done!  Three weeks ago I blew up at my son.  Don't get me wrong, he deserved it, but it was not all his fault.  The fault lye mostly with all the stuff I had learned to shove down and keep quiet about.  So I am done.

I am done being quiet.  I am done censoring myself, even and especially here.  I am done apologizing for what happened to me as a child or an adult.  I am done putting on a pretty little smile while I wilt inside.  I am done not being good enough.  I am done listening to the voices from the former generation going off in my head telling me once more how dramatic I am being.  -Or the all time favorite!  "Cathy, you always make such mountains out of mole hills!"    I am done.

There is nothing wrong with the emotions I have and talking about what happened to put them there.  Yes my experiences are different than most, but I did not chose that, and I am not afraid to live with it.  No I don't need more attention.  I just need a place to vent or rant or think or sometimes cry-- Especially when I think of my grandma...  I need a place to make my own safety, and speak freely.  I need a place to be me, worts and all.  I don't need people "worrying about my sanity".  News flash I am crazy-- Bat shit crazy.  But you know what? Look around...  The world is even crazier than I am.  It is not anyone's job to worry about it.  I can worry about myself, and I can figure out what to do for myself.

I will tell you one thing that helps me is writing on here, and I am done worrying about what anyone thinks.  Yes this is a blog and anyone can see it.  Who really cares?  If someone doesn't like it they don't ever have to read it again.  But you know what else?  This blog does help me.  It gives me a place that I do not know in the rest of my life and so here is my new resolution:  I am going to post, probably quite often.  But you might not like it.  If you do not, leave it.  It is okay.  If you do, great.  You are welcome to read my stuff... Sometimes it will be crap, and other times it might just turn a light bulb on.  I promise only one thing...  It will be me, just me.  -Not what ever anyone expects.  Just what is going on in inside, or a book review from a book I enjoyed, or a clip from my latest manuscript, or an idea I am toying with, or a memory I deal with.  I might be calm or I might be angry or depressed or confused.  But you will read me.  From now on. That is all I can promise, but in this world of making 'good' impressions it is a start.  I am not trying to get people to feel comfortable or trying to impress anyone.  I am just trying to survive, and sometimes by being me give some one a smile or a nod.  I am a mess.  I am the first to admit that, but that is okay.  It's taken me 47 years to figure that out, but at least that is one lesson I have learned.

Just Cat sharing my thoughts with whoever wants to hear.  Hope you understand, but even if you don't I refuse to be quiet anymore.  Thanks for listening.  You are welcome to comment if you would like, but don't need people telling me what to do.  Done that too much to myself.

Long over due update on The Key to Her Heart & Patrick's Rose

 I love this cover!  To me it is absolutely the perfect cover for The Key to Her Heart but it is not the one on the paperback.  I love the old cover too, my second oldest daughter was the artist for that one, but it does not do what I wanted it to do. Last year I replaced the cover on The Key's Kindle format, but because of the events going on in my life I did not replace the cover on the paperback.

 Soooo at the beginning of the year, I decided I had to get that done!  If I am going to do something, it needs to be done right!  I spent part of January and half of February reediting The Key to Her Heart. It really was in pretty good form.  There were only a few things needing some fixing.  During that time, I spoke to some small publishers and tried to  decide how I wanted to go with republishing and talked with several people on how to go about marketing.   I also redid my website and began using Instagram, and reading books from some of my favorite experts and over all redid my presentation of me. It was kind of tedious and kind of fun.  Had new photos taken.  I didn't think that would be fun, but it really was.  As I got all the pieces of my platform in place, and The Key ready, it was time to republish...

I worked on formatting to be sure it was right. The next three weeks I worked on uploading it to CreateSpace.  Every problem you could imagine came up!  I even had to change what I was using for word processing!  But finally... Just yesterday morning... got everything in and  I ordered my proof copies!  I am over the moon!
 Also I need to give a huge shout out for Self Pub Book Covers for the front cover, and most recently the spine and back cover.  Just wait until I post the pictures!  They did such a magnificent job on the cover!  It is beyond my wildest dreams!  So I can't wait to show you the results and see what you think.  I will be going to my first vendor fair on March 18th here in the Quad Cities.

Alrighty!  
Now for news on Patrick's Rose...  My new word processing program should actually make editing a little more seamless, and as I get closer to publication maybe there won't be the problems that I had with republishing The Key to Her Heart.  Planning on releasing Patrick's Rose in August.  I've been working on formatting and editing almost as tirelessly as I worked on republishing and my writing platform.  Below I am going to add a sneak peek to whet your appetite, but first I should tell you a little about Patrick's Rose...

Anna is expecting. Even though things are not always perfect she and Patrick have each other and hope for a much better tomorrow. After beginning a new life in Santa Barbara, Anna finds a ministry that pricks her heart and causes her to pour out love for a group of women on a road not so different than her own. She realizes she can help them more than anyone would ask or expect... That help comes at a price. As the impossible truly becomes possible, and both Anna and Patrick look to a brighter future there is darkness lurking; watching for a time to pounce. All is not as beautiful as it would seem... Only Sherry Hansen realizes how much danger Anna still is in. Her premonitions and visions shake her soul as her worries cause her to kneel in prayer, hoping the darkening horizon she sees can be overcome. But as the future becomes reality is there anything she can do to help her pseudo daughter?

The scene I am going to share is set on Catalina Island; a small island right off the California coast.  By ferry boat it is about an hour to an hour and half away from Newport Beach or Long Island.  It is a little further from San Diego.  It is a very Caribbeanish place with little shops, tours and a very festive feel to it.  When I was a kid my mom and family would go kid free to spend the day on Catalina.  I didn't get to go there until I graduated from high school then I spent the weekend on the island and explored to my heart content.  As I was rewriting Patrick's Rose, I thought there couldn't be any place cooler for a photo shoot than Catalina Island.  It sets up a really neat scene.  Below is the sneak peek.  Read it to see what you think. This is from chapter 12 after Anna has taken over World Stage Clothing. (The pictures I added to show some of the scenery I was writing, but they won't be in the book.)

Five different photographers captured second long scenes of women sporting the summer clothing line on a Caribbean looking destination.  Azure skies framed the day as balmy breezes tantalized the island palms.  The sun overhead would have anyone believing it was a late, May, day in the Tropics.  Oh, but it was a beautiful December afternoon on a small island off the Southern California coast.  

The little shops were open as shopkeepers enjoyed the crowd the models and crew from World Stage had become. Anna clapped her hands together seeing her vision coming together in front of her.  The day was vibrant.  She strolled through the streets toward the dock.  Excitement filled her.  Stylish models, cameras snapping, smiling faces; it was exactly what she had been going for when she talked Wendy into this photo shoot.  This would be their best season yet!  Wow!  Just wait until Cheryl saw the proofs!  Today she was able to release the fear and worry that had been plaguing her and just enjoy this moment when all she had in her heart for the summer line came to reality.

A chuckle bubbled from her lips as her soul leaped.  The boat she had chartered to take her back to the mainland pulled up as she arrived at the water's edge.  Claudia stepped onto the dock from the boat, waiting for her.  She and Wendy would finish up and fly back with the rest of the crew, but Anna wanted to enjoy the ocean air.

“Has it gone well?”

“Yup!”  She answered with an optimistic indigence.

“Laura Aragon is on the boat.”  Claudia warned.

“She is asking a lot of questions.” 

“Even Laura can't ruin this day.”  The words joyfully bubbled out of her.

“Everything has gone as close to perfect as it gets!” 

One of the photographers slipped in an eight track into the portable player.  The tropical rhythm, gentle, fragrant breezes, and gaiety of their group mixed together in a moment that Anna knew would forever live on as her definition of what life should be like.  She grabbed Claudia's hand and twirled both of them around as she gasped in laughter.  Cameras snapped and Anna stepped onto her ride back to the mainland. 

As the boat pulled out of the harbor, Anna slipped on her sweater. The ocean breeze rippled through her wavy cinnamon tresses.  Breathing deeply, she closed her eyes, soaking in the peace she had been blessed with.

“A good day I take it?”  Detective Aragon perched next to her.  Anna nodded.

“And you're not spoiling it for me either.”  A smile curled her lips as she sighed slightly.  Now she was on her way home.  She had no more commitments.  The next five days belonged to her church and her husband.  She crinkled up her nose with the thought.  Even the detective could not make this day sour.

“It's been an exceptional day.”  Anna wistfully answered still leaning against the rail basking in the peace. 

“You know this is a dangerous game you are playing.”

Anna gave a brief glance to the frowning woman.

“I wasn't aware I was playing any game.”

“You damn well know you are and gambling at that!”  Surveying her, Anna would have laughed, but with the detective's mood, it probably wouldn't have gone well.  Laura could get over herself.  She let the smile on her lips reign.  It was rare that she got to enjoy a full day without worry.  

“The only game I am playing is the game of life today.  I got to enjoy a hard-born idea come to fruition.”

“Is that what it was?”  The answer seemed to frustrate the other woman even more.

“I earned today.  In a little less than three months I've turned World Stage around, changing people's opinions of us for the better, reclaiming sales, and creating styles and choices that are changing the market and world at large.  Do you have a problem with that, Ms. Aragon?”  Anna turned her full attention on the detective, her blue eyes bright and unconquerable.

“Not at all.  It must feel good.”  The detective faced Anna eye to eye.

“The question is, what are you willing to expose yourself to?”  Each word fell at Anna's feet, darkening all the good she felt this day.

“And how long do you think you can keep it up?”  Raising her chin up slightly, Anna didn't dare show the bitter pill the woman caused her to swallow.   Days like this left her with a little melancholy if she thought about it too much.  The detective didn't have to remind her things could slide into a mire at any moment, but times of good gave her hope and strength to fight for a better life.

“After all what are you-- four, five months along?”  As Laura spoke those words, everything stopped.  What did she just say?  She sat down quickly, and barely held onto the beauty she found today.

“Four, five months along with what?”  Playing dense was the best alternative she had right that moment.

“Please, Miss Paige, do you think I cannot see?  And if I can see it, so can others.  So again, I ask you-- What kind of game are you playing?”  Anna stood up, walked back to the railing taking a moment before hitting the detective head on.

“You know, Detective Aragon, there are other reasons for weight gain in women beside pregnancy. It is not a safe bet to assume...”  Usually verbal sparring was invigorating.  This was not.  The thought of escaping inside crossed her mind, but that would be a sign of weakness that she could not afford.  Pulling the sweater closer, she stood at the railing even though she felt chilled by the breeze.  The woman's question came back to slap her in the face as it echoed in her head.

She wasn't sure how long it took before the detective came to stand beside her.  Anna ignored her, thinking over her options.  She could shoot straight with her.  That probably wasn't the safest choice.  Lying was a possibility.  Deception went against who she was though.

“For the record, we are on the same team, fighting the same enemy.”  The detective whispered finally.  It was meant as a reprieve she was sure, but it was no better than the jousting a moment earlier.

“Just because we are fighting the same enemy doesn't mean we are on the same team.”  Anna spoke as she stared blindly out at the Pacific waters, but no longer seeing the beauty she found in this day.

“My agenda is quite different than yours.  I wish I had never walked into your office...”  She spat the words at her letting her anger be felt.

“Unfortunately for both of us, you are in the middle of everything I have been assigned, but I realize you do not know who I am or what I am doing.”  Frustration laced the detective’s words together.  Anna slowly turned and faced the woman deciding how to handle this conflict.

“I don't want to know.”  Honesty and bluntness was always her best policy.  She would stick with what she knew.

“You haven't done anything to help me or Cheryl and her brother.  So, I am done.  I want nothing more to do with you.  If you are going to pursue whatever it is you're after, then count me out.  If you ever get Wolffe and are stuck in court, then give me a jingle.  I'll testify against him.  Baring that...  Stay out of my life.”  The detective stood there rigid as if a rod had been shoved up her spine.  Anna didn't care.  She had had enough.  No more.  Jesse had done more to protect her than this woman and she was done.

“I will stay out of your view Miss Paige, but I have a job to do.”  The detective turned to leave the bow. There was one more thing...

“For the record, I'm six months pregnant and I've kept the public and in particular Wolffe from finding that out for this long...”  The detective was like a statue for a second.  Anna smiled slightly, feeling the triumph of at least winning one battle.

“You don't know who I am either.  Don't assume you do.”

Laura Aragon's orifice stood slightly open for a second then she snapped it shut before she would say something she would regret.  Perhaps it was better this way.  She could stay out of her sight.  It would be better protection anyway.  Now she had even more reason to make sure Anna Paige was protected.  She shook her head slightly as she walked away.

Damn!  She was a fire breed!  The thought made her smile.  Anna didn't realize she knew a hell of a lot more about her now than she had six weeks ago.  Now though she also knew what she had been hiding then.  The past crossed her mind.  She remembered her life not so long ago.  There were choices she made and secrets she hid.  It was amazing how much could change in sixteen years.

This is the update...  Hope I whet your appetite a little, but more than anything, hope this gave you the info on what I am doing.
 Also visit my website:    https://writingcattales.com/
There are still some kinks I am working out, but pretty proud that I built it myself...  Anyway, this is Cat out.  Have an awesome day!

Review of 'To Tame the Wind'

To Tame the Wind is set on the ports of the English Channel, Paris, and London during the end of the Revolutionary (or American) war in the late 1700s. It is the story of a man, Simon Powell, trying to get his ship and crew back by abducting a pirate's daughter, Claire Donet. It is a story of honor and pirate ship battles, but not for high treasure; instead for the love of people. For Simon, he is fighting for his crew. For Jean Donet it is for his daughter and the release of American war prisoners. It is also a story of spies, and desperately wanting peace after a long expensive war. Finally it is about love and loyalty between two waring factions, and learning friendship is actually possible.

Regan Walker wrote the best romance novel I have read in recent years. Besides not finding one tiny error, she wrote a fascinating, engaging, historically accurate romance. Claire was feisty and yet kind and gentle. Simon was honorable. The engagement between British, French, and Americans tweaked my history soul in my favorite era. Seeing the Revolutionary war from the perspective of the European side with the dynamics ribboning through out the story kept my curiosity going. I loved seeing real historical figures interacting with the characters in the story. The passionate play between Claire and Simon was more than just physical it was innate to their being. Excellent descriptions of ports, smells, sights, sounds, motion on the ships, the feel of the wind while sailing, and the song the sailors sung made me feel like I was right there watching everything happening in each scene. I could hear the accent in the dialogue of every character. That was not just one inflection, there were Irish, French, English (both normal and aristocracy), and American characters, each who had various accents and word usage. The writing was exceptional!

As much as I love a good historical romance I rarely read them because there are so many errors in their use of the time frame. That was not the case in this novel. The author used the historical influence for all the situations that came up as the time period would dictate. I was amazed. This story felt so real! And because of that I really enjoyed reading it. All of this is also why I rated it with 5 stars. To Tame the Wind deserves it!

If you are interested in reading this novel-- here is the link to it on Amazon where I purchased it:

https://www.amazon.com/Tame-Wind-Agents-Crown-Book-ebook/dp/B00VO4DZYE

Things I like

There are a number of things that are my favorites.  This is just a silly little assignment I gave myself. But since I know a lot of writers I decided to share my list and see how many I have in common with them... Or maybe those of you out there that are just reading this blog for the fun of it. How many do you have in common with me?

So here is a list of my favorites:

1. At the top of my list is God and everything about heaven.  It is not just that I am a church goer, but heaven and the spiritual world totally fascinates me.  Scripture is real to me.  Prayer is life.  The saints, as I get to know them, become close personal friends.

2. My family.  Man I love hanging out with my kids!  My husband is my best friend.  My siblings and I are very close even though we don't spend as much time together as I would like.  My mom and I talk on the phone every few days...  You get the point.

3. I love writing!  Love it!  Everything I experience gets written someplace at sometime.  Sometimes it is as a blog post.  Sometimes in a personal journal.  Sometimes in a story fictionalized so no one realizes it is something that happened to me. But one way or another it gets written.

4. I love reading and doing reviews.  They are fun.  It is nice to read a great book then tell people why you loved it. 

5. I really super enjoy my friends and great conversation,  So many times I sit down with one of my adult daughters or a few of my close friends and we get in a conversation about an idea of theirs or mine, and it sparks and we can be talking for hours about it.  I think that is the coolest thing around.

6, Natural health ideas and discoveries are another thing that makes my world work.  Whether it be natural birth, or eating healthy, or NET, or talking about a new alternative health center that has opened up, or finding out about a new herb that helps your brain function at its best.  These are just the topics that have sparked me this week.

7. I love being positive and seeing the world as good.  In the same category I love seeing the best in people,  I am learning (albeit slowly sometimes) to keep my positivism even when people disappoint me or when my world comes crashing down around me.

8. I love kids.  Everyone's kids.  Just because they are kids!  I think children are the best part of this world and I love on them if they are close to me. If they are at a park or store I will smile at them.  It's just love. I think kids should get all our love so they are filled up with goodness.  I think we should slow down and let kids be kids instead of trying to make them mini adults.  They will be adults before we know it and the thing that will make them the best adults they can be is all the love they received as kids.

9. Peace...  I savor peace.  Not like no noise... Because let's face it my house is boisterous and always has been.  It probably always will be, but I love laughter, finding joy at the weirdest times. It is doing things well and avoiding extra drama.  I love the moments the family is watching a movie and we find something totally corny we all laugh at together.  Christmas morning and Christmas Eve are in this spot.  The chanting scriptures and prayers in church is the most peaceful thing around.  The few quiet moments as I get to hug my son and he is not embarrassed his mother is hugging him are sheer joy to me.  Doing a reading lesson with my five year old, and she reads the word by herself are bliss. You get what I am talking about when I say peace
.

 10. The last one is history.  I love my own personal history, family history, national history, biblical history, world history.  It is part of what makes each of us who we are.  It is the legacy we pass on to our children and their children.  Finally it is what we learn from to make a better world-- even if only in our own family.

This is a list of my 10 favorites in order of significance in my life.  It is not a complete list, but I only told myself I needed to get to 10.  So what are your favs?  Curiosity killed the cat...  It is a saying that I've heard all my life because I tend to be very inquisitive... But it hasn't been my death yet! So what is important in your life?

This is Cat out...

Review of Trusting Jack

Review of Trusting Jack by Beth Hales

Trusting Jack is a passionate tale of healing after betrayal. Emma loved once, or thought she did at least, and then was not only betrayed but condemned by her own husband, Ryan. She was left broken. After she hid away from life. When she decides to take her life back and live as her heart longs to, she meets Jack. He is as opposite to Ryan as day is to night. She still questions whether its real. Can he truly like her for who she is? Is that possible? What if the past is repeating itself? There is a point when Sarah comes back on the scene that she thinks it is repeating. What if Ryan's critique of her is what is real? Just when she thinks she understands-- disaster does strike.

This was a wonderful romantic tale. It was right up my alley. There is a little danger in the story and a lot of Emma second guessing herself, but she is surrounded by good people now. The battle is not only if she can trust Jack, but what about Norah and Chris? Her actress boss and her best friend have so much love for her, but she still has Ryan's voice in her head. In the story Emma's battle is learning to trust and allowing her heart to heal and the lies she was told to fall away off her shoulders. When the past seems to be repeating itself will she hide again? Or stay and refuse to give up what she loves?

It was not just a category romance, but dealt with a woman who was scarred by an emotionally abusive husband. It has to do with her healing as much as finding love, and yet it's light and fun. There are scenes that made me laugh! Sometimes Emma's critique of herself made me want to cry. I have been where she is and had to dig my way out unsure who I could trust or even at times who I wanted to be. The title is perfect. The story is perfect.

This is a book I would recommend to romance readers that want something that's a little deeper than the typical category romance. I really loved Trusting Jack and I am certain many others will too!

If you would like to read it here is a link where you can look at it for yourself: 

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ECZV076/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

My Story: Pregnancy at 46-- Part 3

Couldn't resist this picture. I am holding my grandson
Leo about an hour after he was born.
December 23, 2015

So I ended with the visit to my naturopath in the last part...

The words of my naturopath that January day left me stunned.  I am still in a stun. As she was dealing with me, she dealt with a boatload of spiritual dynamics that I only half way remember, but one thing I do clearly remember are the steps she suggested and I followed. The chaplet she suggested I do daily for at least the next  4 weeks at least  (I ended doing it for 6 weeks then switched over to 2 different novenas). Also I needed to spend time in church dealing with things I had held on to that needed to be let go of and cleansed out. Finally I needed holy water to protect the two babies that were still there from any darkness-- especially the darkness trying to convince me they weren't there.

I stopped to get gas after leaving her office, but instead pulled into a parking lot and cried. In the office we had talked about what Jo had believed... Joseph is my brother who died when my biological mother was pregnant with both of us. We were twins and he passed when my bio mother was about 16 weeks pregnant with both of us. All my life I've had visions of heaven and my brother... It doesn't make sense to most people, but it is a fact of life for me. When we do NET I will go back to emotions or beliefs that come from my brother. This time we talked about Jo. My brother is never referred to as Jo, but as Joseph. But we talked about Jo being afraid of being forgotten. As I cried I had a vision of a little girl holding hands with my brother and grandmother (I lost my grandmother when I was 13). These are the two people that really define my life. I cried because I knew this was the child I had lost. And suddenly I knew that the 'Jo' who was afraid of being forgotten was my little daughter. I suddenly had another glimpse of her praying for the protection that God had put around my womb, and being there with her two siblings-- fighting for them, and somehow understood what had been happening for the last several months. In that moment I knew her name-- Jo-- Josephine Dorothy-- after my grandmother and brother who seemed to be guiding her actions and helping her know what to do, and the two people I love so dearly, but no longer can touch. For a long while I cried. “Oh Jo, I will never never forget you... Just like I will never forget my brother. You gave your life to protect them, just like Joseph did so I could live...” It hit me so hard and for days afterward. Everything I had experienced made sense. My body kept anything that might harm away. Everything inside of me was protecting these two little spiritual beings. My two little miracles that God kept referring to, telling me to “Believe His miracle.” Right then the thought of not believing would have seemed more like forgetting Jo than anything. How could I not believe? I wanted all three of them, but Jo was already beyond where I could hold her.  I would be damned if I let anything happen to the two that were still there!

So Meg had researched a healthy diet for twin pregnancy and had printed a daily check-off sheet so that I could be sure I was eating right for their growth. I began on that. I was taking iron here and there, but I was having extreme exhaustion. So she convinced me to take iron daily. As I did, I began feeling so much better. Each time there was a problem we tweaked something, and it was amazing the difference it made along with daily prayer, and faith that God had this in his hands.

The next Monday I had an appointment with my chiropractor and again she did a doppler, and again she got two heartbeats. This time she told me. “That was two distinct heartbeats in two different locations, and last time the same thing happened.” She didn't say it until I did...

“Twins?” I asked, and she nodded quietly. I don't think she wanted to diagnose, but at the same time I had realized as I watched her getting the heartbeats there were two. It just confirmed what I had heard over a year plus ago from the prophecy and what my nautropath had said when I was there, and also the kicking pattern I was feeling, and the visions I had had once I found out about Jo. Also made sense why the diet was working to make me feel really good.

My chiropractor had a friend who was a sonographer. She had agreed to do a ultrasound if I was interested. I agreed. We scheduled the ultrasound on Monday when I was almost 22 weeks. I was excited and scared. I really wasn't sure how it would go. The more I found out the more that I doubted an ultrasound would be able to see a pregnancy in me.

I do not have a large intestine and so my uterus does not stay in the normal place. I, because of surgery 8 and half years ago (48 stitches right down my middle front from about 2 inches above my belly button to close to my pubic bone.), have massive scar tissue. I am a big girl. I am 5 foot 10 or 11 inches and when they did surgery they had to cut through a 7 inch layer over my organs. Then I was about the same size I was before this pregnancy. I had at one point been 60 pounds heavier, but my change in diet and everything had changed that. So with that seven inch layer still there more than likely and also the scar tissue and the fact that when I laid back so did my uterus, the likelihood of seeing anything wasn't good, and after doing an immense amount of research and talking to people that knew a lot more about this than I do I knew it probably wasn't going to go well. I was hopeful though. So we went in for the ultrasound.

My kidneys looked great. My ovaries and spleen looked great. She checked all my organs. They were perfect. She found my uterus... At least part of it. The top didn't show. But she found the bottom and measured it at 10 cm. She didn't see anything else as far as babies. Disappointment was immense. Everyone left the room except Megan. I asked Megan to have her come back while I was sitting up and try some of the places I was feeling movement. She was very thorough, and she saw my small intestines and how they were very high up. She found a small hernia right below my stoma. She could not ultrasound the area where the scar tissue was. She told me there was no way with ultrasound she would be able to see anything, but that was where I was feeling movement. She tried, and found what she said was my transverse colon with air in it. I spoke up. “I don't have a transverse colon.” She stopped and looked at me for a moment. “Then I don't know... It looks like air in... So they took all your colon?”

“Yes, I don't even have a rectum.”

This is a transverse colon with air in it that I googled.
 What did the sonographer see?

“Oh.” She looked at a few more things, then went back to the 'transverse colon with air in it' and stopped there.

“I don't know what to tell you... You are a puzzle.” For days I thought about that ultrasound. There were no fibroids, no tumors, no problems. My organs were in good shape. But she found a transverse colon that I do not have, and a uterus that was enlarged but with uterine walls that were smooth. And she had disproved that I was in menopause by looking at my ovaries and finding they were normal. In menopause the ovaries shrink up to nothing or close to that. She was impressed by my ovaries and how perfect they were. But she could not prove I was pregnant, and in the end, did not prove that I wasn't either. The thoughts I was left with was the enlarged uterus and the phantom transverse colon. For weeks that puzzled me.

A week later I was feeling movement and had Meg put her hand on my stomach and she felt it too, right where my scar tissue was. A couple weeks after that I went to my masseuse and while she was doing a massage, she also felt movement.

Around this time I had a new symptom I could not make happen... My stoma had been changing shape, which I had read about happening in pregnancy, but in some pregnancies the stoma has so much pressure that more of the small intestine poked through. As I was changing my appliance that covered my stoma I noticed a small tear in the skin and a little bit of intestine poking out near my stoma. This had never happened to me in the 8 ½ years that I had a stoma even as I gained weight and then lost it. But at this point as my stomach expanded my stoma was under pressure. I talked to an ostomy nurse who referred me to talk to a physicians assistant who basically told me that as long as it was not causing me trouble, it was quite normal in the later half of pregnancy. Except for figuring out appliance stuff, it wasn't too much of a worry unless it was causing me trouble. It hadn't caused too much problem, except for having to change my appliance sooner than I was used to. So I decided not to pursue it any further. Honestly, by that point I was pretty much feeling done with most of the medical system.

This is me not pregnant.

At 25 weeks I went into my masseuse again, and she had bought a doppler fetal monitor, and she took a heartbeat. It was in the 130s. As she was doing it, my stomach was moving and once more she was amazed by movement. My stomach was very stretched. I really didn't feel the movement, but she did.

The next week I saw my naturopath again, and she just stared at how much my body changed. She has seen me for 5 ½ years, and worked with me at my highest weight. This day she just stared at me and my very rounded stomach.

“I have never seen you like this!” I laughed and shrugged at her comment. She has never seen me pregnant. I looked very similar to how I looked when I was pregnant with Hope.

“Are you at your highest weight?” I wasn't and still am not. In fact, I am about ten pounds from that weight, and my legs and arms are losing weight while my middle keeps looking more and more like a butterball. She continued not to know what to think as she NET'd two little people inside of me and their fear of not surviving. She dealt with some bacteria issues and helped me figure out what to do to heal that without it impacting my twins.

I saw her again in April and she laughed at how the impossible sure seems possible with me. From doing NET again all seemed fine.

Right now, my body is doing great. We check my blood pressure and doppler the heart rate of the babies weekly. We also do urine checks for protein and about ten other things. My liver started having a little extra throw off of bilirubin so I added some Milk Thistle and a homeopathic and that seemed to clear it up for the most part. I am on a very detailed diet to keep me and the babies healthy. As long as I follow it I feel pretty good. Each day I get exercise, but walking is a little slower because I get short of breath pretty easy. Heartburn is my new friend lately, so little meals almost constantly are the order of the day. Each time I go to my chiropractor I weigh myself. Even though this diet has me consuming between 3 & 4 thousand calories a day my weight has been steady these last weeks. Before September if I had consumed ¼ of what I eat now I would have been a hell of a lot bigger than I am now in all my body parts! Instead my belly is expanding but the rest of me is not. Before this I pretty much did not eat grains. I stuck to a careful vegetarian diet and if I veered even to eating a small amount of rice I swelled up horribly. Now I have between 4-6 servings of some kind of bread/grain a day, and if I do not eat everything I have issues with low blood sugar. My protein is beyond belief! And I still eat a ton of veggies, but now have to make sure I eat 3-4 servings of fruit-- Do not like fruit for the most part. I would eat strawberries and that was about it. Now I even drink orange juice and eat mangoes sometimes. Meg has me eating a banana a day to keep away the leg cramps I started having a month or so ago. As much as I hate bananas I do it because it has worked. When I forget I get the leg cramps back along with restless leg type stuff. Also if I forget my iron I am fatigued beyond belief. So I stick with it, and it has been good.

Made an error earlier.  This was me
at 21 weeks at the end of January.

The reality is that no doctor will see me. No midwife will take me. So Meg and I are working on our game plan. Officially I am not pregnant, but my massage person, Megan, my chiropractor, my naturopath, and my family all firmly believe I am pregnant with twins. My expanding belly points to that, the movement points to that, my ever shortening belly button points to that, the weekly sets of doppler heartbeats taken by three different practitioners point to that. So I am going with it. My belly sure has never moved this much on its own without a baby being involved! And all the symptoms are really weird even if this was a phantom pregnancy... Besides do you get heart beats with a phantom pregnancy? That would be strange-- down right spooky.

I have three more weeks today. My goal is to go for at least 10 more days because I want my kiddos to have the best chance possible. I think they probably had a pretty hard start, but I am trying to make up for that, so I am working hard to do the best I can, but this has been a prayer and research thing, because I do not have a medical team. I have said that God is my physician and Meg is his assistant.

How will birth go? I don't know.

Where will it happen? That is a good question. At this point we are planning on birthing at home. If something doesn't go right we will go to the emergency room. But going there without a doctor is a little frightening. So I have a birth plan for that. I am hopeful that nothing will go wrong. That is in God's hands though. Meg in a few days is taking a class about emergency birth situation in a home birth setting. This is one of the many ways we have been preparing. My last birth class is this Sunday.  Each day I take time to relax and pray.  And of course there is the physical preparing (nesting) and oh boy has there been preparation there!

This is me at 29 weeks.

Some have warned me that I need to protect my family because CPS will accuse me of neglect because of not having prenatal care. But how can I do that when a doctor won't even see me? And I am working to make sure I am caring for these two and me too. I am doing everything possible in the circumstances I am in. How can that be construed as neglect? I have chiropractic care. I have a massage person that is keeping all my muscles in good order. I am taking birth classes. Daily I am overcautious of my diet and exercise. We are keeping close tabs on my blood pressure (which has been normal except when I got bronchitis). I watch carefully for any swelling that would say there is a problem. We are doing weekly dopplers ourselves to keep tabs on how things are going for the twins. I don't always feel the movements because my belly is very stretched, but sometimes I can watch them even if I can't feel them, and I still do feel the smaller movements several times a day. So we will see if anything can be said against me. I am just walking this one day at a time and praying my way through.

This is me today at 37 weeks.
Not my best I admit, but with feeling
so much lower pressure this was the best
I could do today.

I will tell you, though, with the lack of doctor intervention this last several weeks has been peaceful-- More peaceful than any other pregnancy. So there is something. I've talked with two nurses in the last couple weeks. Both told me if I had been with a doctor they would have insisted at inducing me a 36 weeks because of my age and twins. So maybe going about things as we have had to is a good thing. I know even now my babies are not quite ready to come. Now I'm counting down days instead of weeks though! With my diet I feel better than I ever have before while I have been pregnant. Since I have never had a problem giving birth naturally I am not really scared even if this happens at home. I have a history of fast births, so that could be what happens, but we will see. I am really looking forward to holding my twins. That is my biggest thought... Twins. This is what I look forward to, just holding my two miracles.

After their birth I will post about their coming and more pictures. For right now I am trying to get ready for them!  For right now this is Cat out hoping for another 10 days, but realizing that is in God's hands too.

My story: Pregnancy at 46-- Part 2

March 2, 2016
I have been keeping picture records
since the end of January

The dramatic change that I ended the last post with came at the beginning of December.

I was leaning forward, and suddenly I felt this little fluttery movement. Say what! Naw... Then again.

I kept this silent from anyone. It just wasn't possible. A few days later I felt it again. And a few days later I felt it again while Meg and I were driving to her prenatal appointment with her midwife. Meg was trying to convince me that I was pregnant. She kept telling me about a site that talked about something called cryptic pregnancies... Pregnancies that have no HCG count and that even ultrasound can't find. Usually they grow slower and have a longer gestation... Or some switch over and come out of the undetectable stage after 20 weeks. This happens with 1 in 450 pregnancies. I told her I had been feeling movement. And that for the last few weeks I wasn't as sick. She looked up to see how many weeks I was, and found I was 16 weeks at the time, and the nausea should have ended right when it did. With twin pregnancies I was feeling movement right when I should be.

My husband got his bonus from work on December 14^th, and on that day I visited a maternity wear shop with Meg, and bought a couple tops and two bras, pregnancy underwear, and a pair of maternity pants. Whether I was pregnant or not I was tired of being uncomfortable. When I put the clothes on, I finally felt comfortable for the first time in a few weeks. In fact it felt like silk compared to the clothing I had been trying to fit myself into. I had been wearing my bigger clothing and trying to convince myself that everything was the same. When I put on my new clothing I realized how much my middle had grown and how my body had changed. If anything, my legs and arms were smaller, but my middle was looking a little like a butterball.

March 11, 2016
Me in the upstairs bathroom just
 trying to keep up a visual diary

A few days later I visited my chiropractor again, and she decided to do another doppler. Two heartbeats 164 & 140 per minute, one on one side of my abdomen and one on the other. She told me later those were two distinctive heartbeats-- two babies. But that day, she just let me feel my wonderment. Heartbeats-- definitely not aortic beats either. There was something growing inside of me that was alive and moving. That was a blessing in and of itself. I decided this time I was going to believe, and I was going to keep my awe. For now I was doing nothing, but enjoying God's miracle and believing it. The depression I had felt for the last few weeks lifted almost immediately.

Meg went into labor and Leo was born on December 23^rd, and life got crazy. His baptism was on December 27^th. In that same period we had three church services and Christmas.

Beginning of January Meg, Leo, and I went for a visit to my naturopath. The day before I had found my chaplet beads, and I looked up the prayers for The Chaplet of Saint Michael and did my first chaplet in about four years (I did a chaplet everyday while Becca was pregnant with Tory-- hence her name means St Michael's Joyous Victory, and most of her name I had nothing to do with.  Becca named her and she did not know about my daily chaplets.) This day we were on our way to see the one health practitioner I felt like I could trust. If anyone would know if I was pregnant-- It was her. She has been working on my body for five years and knows how totally different my body works from other people's body. She knows how the emotional, physical, and spiritual interplay in me, and she can usually get to the root cause. Moreover, I trust her because were I am concerned, she has never been wrong.

She began adjusting me, and trying to figure out what was going on, and my body literally shut down on her-- Can't explain it any better than that. It refused to let her work on me. So she tried a different route. One of the modalities she uses, is something called NET. Literally she can ask my body what is going on and it will answer-- I am not going to try to explain that either (if you have had NET done before you understand), but it has always worked on me. This time though something else spoke when she asked about me being pregnant...

Whatever it was it called what was inside of me 'tissue'. 

Sorry, folks... that was not me!

I am adamantly pro-life, and would never call even a baby that has been miscarried 'tissue'. If anything that is a HUGE trigger word for me! It shocked her too. She suggested that Meg and I go to lunch and resume afterwards. So Meg and I left her office, and talked about what had happened as I was driving.

As we talked, I was silently praying. I was turning as a thought crossed my mind. Again I was shocked because it was not mine. I realized I was dealing with something that was not me. Whatever it was it had been there for a long time, and for the most part my body recognized it as its own.

That was a BIG problem!

Meg at the same time spoke up. “That was not you, Mom.” I had spoke the thought out loud, and she recognized the same thing as I had. Suddenly God gave me a clarity on what was going on.

I don't know what anyone reading this believes, but I believe in light and darkness-- in spirits on both sides that can and do attach themselves to humans. Maybe that sounds spooky or crazy, but it is in these beliefs that I have been able to explain what has happened in my life. I don't usually talk about these aspects because I respect each person's ability to believe differently. That to me is a gift that God has given. We have freedom to come to God or not believe... But with what happened that day I have to explain where I come from on this issue because that afternoon changed my understanding of what was going on within me and why.

I knew that voice was not me, and my mind flashed back to when I was little and a family relative had hurt me. I realized that when that happened the thing speaking had attached itself to my life acting as if it was part of who I was. I also realized I would not let it stay there!

March 24, 2016
Me over Pascha trying to figure out
what to wear to Good Friday service
This is the latest picture I've taken. 

“Yeah, I know... And I know where it came from, and I know I need to get rid of it, because it is not good nor does it have good intentions.”   It was then I realized I was beginning the chaplet for a reason. The Chaplet of St. Michael has always been very powerful. 

We talked about everything over lunch, then headed back to my naturopath's office.  At the office, my naturopath began working with my body, but again dealt with something that was not me. She stepped back, and I could see she was perplexed.

“You think you are pregnant with two babies?” She asked, still looking slightly shocked. I nodded, but she shook her head.

“Nope...” I felt confused.

“You were pregnant with three, but one has passed... I am not sure what is going on with the other two, but the one you lost was a girl and she calls the other two 'spiritual beings'.”

This is the place I need to stop, and take a little bit to digest. In that moment I felt a grief I cannot explain, and sorrow that still is in my heart. Even now writing this makes me want to cry. I am going to close this down for the night and come back to finishing this part of the story in the morning. Probably as I am getting in bed, I will have some tears. When my naturopath said it I felt the validity, and knew this was a nugget of truth I needed. I also knew it explained the things happening, and why my body was acting so weird. But I will come back to this in the next part of this blog, and give myself a little time to digest and figure how to write about what happened and the days after my visit to the nautropath. This knowledge really changed my perception of my pregnancy, but as I go into the next part you will understand that better...