Stay The Course

Sorry it has been two weeks since my last post.  It has been crazy around here!  My sister was released from the rehab program right around the time of my last post, and now my niece is with me three days a week, and I supervise visitations between her and my sister.

In another situation, that might not be to bad, but with my sister and the problems that she has, everyday is a day of commotion that just seems to escalate into her having a sever panic attack.  That then lands her in the ER.  And using the Emergency Room for things that would best be handled other ways drives me to the brink of screaming!

To top everything off the psychiatrist she sees decided to put her on a narcotic anti-anxiety drug less then a few days after she got out of rehab.  Of course she has trouble with taking the right amount.  Oh!!  As if all of this isn't enough--  each time she takes the drug it makes her worse!!!  I'm talking like psychotic worse!  I would add a few swear words here, but 'don't think I want to expose you to the extent of my full frustration! To be very honest, I've thought about asking for a competency hearing for her.  The problem with that is then I would be her freaking guardian!  Which is definitely not something I want!  I'm already spending so much time helping clean up the mess she has a habit of making of her life, that I really couldn't handle anymore.

I could look into a group home situation, but what if she does get better, or even worse what if she doesn't have that much longer on this earth?  Do I really want her to lose pretty much all of her freedom?  So praying and thinking what to do, leads me no where.  --Except I hear this little voice in my head saying-- "Catherine, stay the course.  I promise it will get better.  Stay strong.  Keep setting boundaries. But don't stray to the left or right. Just stay the course."  I really think it is God speaking to me.  Though I've heard God alot in my life, right now I'm so unsure of all my thoughts and all the things I 'hear'.  All I really know is I'm holding onto what I am hearing simply because it's at least sane sounding.  That is more than any other suggestion I've received lately.

So I think I'm staying the course until I hear otherwise.  Honestly, today I feel more peace than I have in the last two weeks.  So I guess that is something!  Besides, for the first time in the last week I've had enough time to sit here and type out the stuff in my life for you to read--  Hope you 'enjoy'.  This is Cat out-- Staying the course!

Maxine's Story-- Brave little Maxine!

Here is the next scene in Maxine's Story.  Thought it had been awhile since I'd posted a scene.  Hope you enjoy it!

 April, 1917

     Maxine cringed as it began raining.  She was twelve.  Her mother was gone once more helping those in town. Emily had married Lowell O’Kelly and they had moved several hours away in Peoria, Illinois.  At least she knew now her sister was safe.  Maxine stood a little taller, and as she had at her sister’s wedding, decided she would be the one to keep herself safe.  Quickly she locked her door so the beast would not get in.  Could it come through a locked door?   Closing her eyes she reminded herself of the truth. 

“Please God protect me.”  She prayed silently. 

“Emily is safe now.  Help me find safety too.”  She slipped the chain that held the key to her door over her head and hid it under the dress she wore.

Suddenly the handle was jiggled.  She jumped away, ready to hide. 

“Maxine, my little Maxine.”  His voice cooed, and fear tripled her heart beat. 

“It’s a storm outside.  I’ll make it all better.”  She swallowed.

“No.”  She wasn’t going to lie anymore.  At the bible study at church where they studied scripture she learned truth.  Lying was a sin.  It would separate her from God, and she wanted desperately to be with God. 

“I will not let you hurt me.”  Martin Westing rattled the door violently. 

“If you dare to even threaten me I will tell.”  Who would she tell?  Would anyone believe her?  Still, if she was quiet how would she be safe?

“I will tell everyone.  I will tell Pastor Fleming, and Mrs. Sheldon and Mr. Sheldon.  I will talk to Victor.  You know he is my class.  I will tell Miss Jenkins, and of course Mama. I will tell…”  She named off everyone she could think of.  She wasn’t sure she would talk to all of them, but then she wasn’t sure she wouldn’t either.  One way or another she would not let him hurt her anymore.

“You wouldn’t tell on your Papa…”  She groaned. 

“Oh Yes I will!  Hurting me is a sin.  What if I told doc you cause me to bleed?  Pastor Fleming says we are suppose to do right and tell others when they are wrong!  So I am telling you, hurting me is wrong, and I will tell everyone unless you never come in my room, and stay far away from me.”

“But you are my daughter…”  He cried.

“No I am not!  I am my father’s daughter.  He will haunt you if you hurt me again!”  She quickly prayed. 

God please rouse my first father and shake Papa senseless if he ever tries to hurt me.  Make it be just like the ghosts in A Christmas Carol that I read last Christmas.  Out loud she said—

“You have to stay away from me!”

“Will you not tell anyone if I stay away from you?”

“I will not talk about it, but if you even touch me, I will tell every person I know and I won’t ever be quiet.”

“I will kill you Maxine you won’t be able to speak.”  He spoke in a beastly voice.  Fear shot through her as he yanked the door.  She had hidden all the keys as soon as her sister moved away.  Then she remembered what they had been studying in school.

“If you murder me, they will examine my body and they will see what you have done.  We studied how the police can examine bodies to see why they died.  They will see the places I bled, and they will know what you’ve done.”  He stopped rattling the door. 

“Your teacher lied to you.  No one will know.”  His voice trembled, and she knew her books didn’t lie.  Her teacher told the truth.

“Then why do you sound frightened?  You know the truth too.  Maybe tomorrow I will go jump off the bluff and kill myself so everyone will know what you have done!”

“N-No Maxine.  I will not harm you.  I will not touch you. No one shall cause you to die.”  She smiled slightly. 

“Alright, I will not jump off the bluff.”

“You can unlock your door then.”  She shook her head. 

“My door stays locked.”  And she did not back down.

Sister Issues!

What is it in this world?  Sorry for the question, but I'm kinda fed up with this society and some of its people. When I relate the following story please remember I love my sister tremendously, and I am trying very hard to help her make her life the best it can be, but very honest I am very fed up with the system and a few people that seem to think I have all the control.  First I don't.  Second even if I did it wouldn't help in this society!

My sister, because of multiple periods of drug use-- Meth use in particular-- has a very low I.Q. and she has a seven year old daughter-- her only child.  On top of that she has a heart condition because of the drug use that she can't/won't control.  Now for the third time she is clean-- for not even a month this time.  The other two times she was clean for multiple years.  Her daughter is one of the factors that has kept her clean and brought her out of her drug use quickly this time.  But her ability to understand things and deal with things is much worse this time.  It's to the point that there are people saying I should take guardianship of her and/or have her institutionalized.  Less than three weeks ago I went to the court and signed papers to have her put into a rehab program, because of her heart I was listened to.  That was the first time that my concerns have been listened to by the powers that be.

Two years ago I was her payee for the disability she receives.  That lasted for a year before she hated me because she thought I was stealing her money.  I wasn't.  When she lived with me it was like World War III between her and my son-- until the day I heard her punch him in the chest and laugh about it.  That was the day I asked her to leave. She doesn't understand that kids deal with things differently than adults, and she doesn't understand that her mental state affects everyone around her, especially my son with CP and autism. She also doesn't understand that I have to pick my child's well being over hers-- but honestly that seems to be a problem in the system and with others also.

Now, everyone in her life seems to think she is my problem to deal with.  The issue with that is that I have no control, and even if I could be her guardian I don't want to be!  Very honest I'm not so sure she's going to be around that much longer, and even beyond that why should I be the one that pays for her mistakes? Because she messes up her life daily should I be expected to clean up that mess?  REALLY?!?!?  Honestly that sounds kinda assine! My sister has problems, I won't argue that.  She can't figure things out, and she doesn't understand that when you pass out from your heart not quite working right that you really can't be depended on to be at a job.  She doesn't get/ won't listen to the fact that her smoking and drinking insane amounts of caffeine hurts her and that just eating junk food does not constitute a good diet, but guess what?  She didn't get that before this last bout with drugs either, and she didn't understand that when she lived with me.  Putting her in the local program for people that can't take care of themselves wouldn't make any of those things any better either.  The worst part is even if I would go for guardianship I wouldn't be able to get it.  Simply put, she's not bad off enough!!!

So I am fed up!  I'm damned if I do anything, and I am damned if I don't do something.  The most aggravating thing is my hands seemed tied no matter what I do!  And I am toooo much of a freedom person to let this continue.  So I will do something ultimately, but I doubt anyone will be happy with me at that point! This month my motto of 'Love even the unlovable, and forgive even the unforgivable' is being super challenged.  Hopefully my world will be better for the challenge.  I guess this is all I have to share-- So hoping and praying your life is less confusing and more peaceful than mine right now--
Cat out.

The Key to Her Heart Synopsis

I wanted to share the synopsis for my book The Key to Her Heart.  Meg and I wrote it today.  It will go on the back of the printed book, and also on the postcard sized business that I'm planning to give out to people I'm talking to about this adventure.  On the front of the postcard will be The Key to Her Heart's cover.  I'm just a little excited!  Just a wee bit...

The Key to Her Heart

Driven away from her home by a destructive feud Anna is a successful model in the early seventies. When she attracts the unwanted attention of the eldest son of the fashion world’s biggest tycoon she’s pulled into a vicious game of cat-and-mouse that leaves her running for her life. 

As powerful as he is ruthless Anna refuses to involve Patrick Rueschel, the ever incorrigible and devoted boy from her hometown. Between her father’s vow of vengeance on the Rueschel family and her dark secrets from California, a life with Patrick is out of the question, but as she falls deeper into her foe’s dangerous net,  his love might be the only thing that can save her…

____________

Coming November 2013


What do you think?  I'm stoked!  Can hardly believe it's really happening!

The Key to Her Heart Cover

Now this one you all have to make a comment on!  Please.  I need all the opinions I can get.So don't be shy!  This cover has been a super cooperative effort!  But here it is.  Sarah and Megan and I put it together from a wonderful picture Becca drew.  It came together late, very late Thursday night/ Friday early morning, then I was gone all weekend.  This is the first chance I have had to get it on here. And I am so excited to share it with you!!!!!!!!!!!  The Key to Her Heart is becoming more of a reality.  So all my readers, you are the first to see it.  Please drop a line to my website, here, facebook, or twitter and tell me what you think--  All opinions are welcome, whether I agree or not.