I am sitting here finally having a day to work on details. Actually tiny details-- like deciding what image I want at chapter titles. Sounds small, but I am told those small formatting decisions make a huge difference, so I am searching for the perfect key. I'm not sure I'm going to find it, so I may have Rebecca draw it for me. This is being said after spending the last five hours looking through about ten thousand different vintage/old keys! The internet is an amazing thing! I say this in defense of my exhaustive search. I did find about five to ten possibilities, believe it or not. Next detail is chapter titles. Fun! But it's slowly getting ready to be published. Rebecca finished the picture for the cover, and so Thursday we begin the process of building a cover! I am so stoked! So maybe this weekend I'll be able to download the cover onto my website and here on my blog for everyone to see. How exciting! You, my readers, have been with me for this journey so you should be the first to see the first fruits!
This seems like alot of things we do in life. At first we can't see how things are going to look, but then we begin with little steps. As we make those little steps our dream begins to take form. I think of relationships. When we first meet that right person we have no clue (for the most part) and then we get to know the person, and as we do we hope, but we still don't quite see it yet. Then we continue, not really knowing exactly what we are doing, and finally there comes that day when we know. Even then we are still a little sheepish about what we should do. Do we tell the person how we feel? Do we play it cool? We finally after great deliberation (for some) make the leap, and if everything is going right the person we are involved with is in the same place. It proceeds, sometimes rough, sometimes peaceful, but it continues until there's another day that the couple decides they don't ever want to be apart. Finally they decide to tie the knot-- Huge amounts of planning go in, and finally what could have been is real, a new family is formed. But at first that doesn't seem possible. It happens in little steps.
It's the same with finding a job. First you canvas a vast number of possible employers with resumes and applications. Then you spend time talking to them on the phone and/or in person trying to get an interview. After that it's the interview process-- And that is a process these days! Then finally the day comes when you get the job. Did you know you would have that particular job when you started? Probably not. But you knew there would be something. As it went along you started to see what would be.
That's kinda like The Key to Her Heart. I knew someday I would publish. I even knew I wanted to go with at format that allowed for e-books. I like the concept of publishing via the internet. What I had no clue of was how everything had changed since I first heard of internet publishing twelve or so years ago. I also had no clue that I would do this in a completely independent way. I didn't have a clue what my cover would look like, or that I would have a target date of November 5, 2013 for release of The Key to Her Heart. So I am watching this all happen little piece by tiny piece. And it is exciting because my dream is taking flight! This gives me so much joy. I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful this journey is for me. I hope for the same kind joy for everyone around me. My prayer for all of you is for your dreams to get wings to fly because it is exhilarating!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
My sister and Ana
I've got to clear things up from a previous post. I want to apologize to my readers. In the last post when I talked about my friend I was talking about myself, and my sister is the person I was talking about with a seven year old daughter.
So let's start fresh. My sister has been on drugs three times. The first time from fourteen to twenty-three, then she got clean and lived with me for two years until she got married the first time. She was married for eighteen months, and then separated and she came to live with me again Then after five years of living life clean she went back to drugs and moved back to California after starting on drugs again.
On July 12, 2005 she stopped drugs and was drug and alcohol free until about a year ago when she began drinking. A month ago she began drugs again.
In November of 2005 she became pregnant and in July of 2006 she had a beautiful little girl named Ana. Her pregnancy was hard, and she passed out from various reasons. Ana was as keyed up as her mother when she was a baby, and she was hard for my sister to raise. She woke up and fussed alot.
My sister had come back to live with us soon after she got off drugs, but she was very different. I and my daughters very much grieved for the person we use to know. She came back telling the truth, but the vibrant person that she once was now was gone. There was so much she didn't understand, and in so many ways she was much more like a child. My son he had trouble getting along with her because he was use to how his sisters dealt with life, and that was not the way my sister lived.
My sister was nice but volatile, and anxious even when things were going well. She didn't understand basic things, and she didn't always get what people were telling her. She was very impulsive, and at times would 'shoot herself in the foot' when things were going pretty good. For the first several months I would have to go to her doctors' appointments with her because she needed me to explain what the doctor had said and what was going to happen. She had trouble with basic things.
There were people that advised me to have her place her child for adoption. I couldn't. You see my sister had had two tubal pregnancies, and a miscarriage. The doctors had told her she couldn't have children. Six months before she got clean her father had died. Most of her life she hadn't known him, but then he became a part of her life, then suddenly he was gone.
When she found she was pregnant with Ana it was a miracle, and I promised God and my sister that no matter what I would uphold her motherhood because I knew it was the only wish she had ever had for herself. She wanted a child more than anything and had been devastated with each pregnancy she lost. She was so frightened she would lose Ana too, but together she and I prayed through and she was blessed with a beautiful daughter.
There was no way I could take her motherhood away from her. So instead since I was the one that didn't even talk to her about adoption, even though I knew for Ana it would be a much better option, I vowed I would do everything in my power to help Ana and my sister, and I would help her to learn to be a good mother. So, I did everything in my power to make life better, and when my sister became anxious I would calm her down, when Ana wouldn't go to sleep easily I would help my sister settle her down. When Ana woke up in the middle of the night screaming, and my sister unawake woke up angrier than a mama bear, one of my daughter's would be there to grab Ana and settle her down as her mother calmed down from the sudden sound.
When Ana was eleven months old my sister got upset and left, and we didn't see her for three days. She got an apartment, though she didn't have money, and then she had to get a job. So once more we had Ana. We helped her find an apartment closer to us so that it would be easier for her to bring her to our home while she worked. Around this time, my sister began working as a flagger for road construction. This would take her out of town for five to six days twenty four hours a day, and she would be home one to two days. We basically were raising Ana. Sometimes she would become very sick when she got home and so she was hospitalized for three-five days a few times.
Once she came home with pneumonia and the other two times the doctors talked about heart trouble. In November of 2008 the doctors told her 'no more flagging'.
She had an enlarged heart and was going into heart failure. She had found a boyfriend while away and he moved here to be with her. She couldn't work while the doctors were trying to figure out what was going on, and so he took over. They got a little house, but he didn't like us, so he would throw a fit if she allowed Ana be around us or even if she came over here. I got so fed up that I didn't speak to them for four months because I was afraid of what I would say in front of Ana. Finally she landed in the hospital, and asked her friend to call me.
She's my sister. I was there in a heartbeat. We were going on a short vacation that day, and she asked me to take Ana with us. This began a tense new beginning. Ana was a different child. She was withdrawn, frightened, and painfully thin. While we were gone my sister attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital for a mandatory four day stay, and so we were asked to keep Ana until she was stabilized. Her boyfriend wasn't allowed to be alone with Ana, and she had a case worker visiting with them every other day.
In November of 2009, on my birthday, my sister and Ana moved back in with us, and even when it was rocky she stayed with us until January a year and a half ago when she punched my son in the chest.
She didn't know I heard it happen, and then I knew I couldn't let this go on. So for the last nineteen months she has lived on her own, or with a boyfriend, or at Ana's father's house. For a couple weeks over Christmas she stayed with us again, but that was almost to much. Now for the last three months she's had a little house, and I was hoping was finally becoming stable. That was until Saturday when I received a frantic call from my sister. She was canceling my niece's birthday party and hour before it was suppose to happen. This was the first indication that something was desperately wrong.
I in my only style, took over. I offered to get a cake and make it happen. It could be a couple hours late, but at least it wouldn't just be cancelled. After doing alot of talking we made this happen. My sister was jumpy and not really relating to what was going on. She would grab the presents out of Ana's hands before she could really even see them. It was strange, and it was while watching her I knew the truth. Sunday we received a call, my sister was hysterical. That was the day that all my worst fears were confirmed.
That's the day I found she was back on drugs, and had been hurt, beaten, and forced to do things no one should ever do. No one knows how much Ana saw, and very honest I am still sick inside thinking about it. My daughter stayed with her that night, and Monday we tried to help my sister get help, but she refused. The next day Megan and I forced the issue.
We went to the court, and signed papers to have her committed to a substance abuse program. That evening we talked with Ana's father-- The guy I had been led to believe was such an aweful person. He wasn't. He didn't want to take Ana from her mother. He just wanted to protect her like we did, and so talking to him we came up with a game plan without getting Child Protective Services involved.
My sister detoxed in the hospital the rest of Tuesday, all of Wednesday, and was moved to rehab on Thursday afternoon. The hearing to decide if she had to stay was today, and the judge decided on inpatient. We don't know how long she will be in there. It could be a week and it probably won't be four weeks, but somewhere in between I would guess.
To go to the court was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am so against intervening, but I know my sister's heart condition, and I know how weak she is. Every time she ended in the hospital (and that has been on average at least every other month for the last five years.) I've been there with her. Her heart doctor is at Mayo, because locally they don't know what to do for her. I know everything about her condition, and I know that taking Meth will kill her. When my sister wouldn't take action, I didn't know what else to do. Until today my sister wouldn't even talk to me. That was after yelling at me and telling me how much she hates me and telling me I was a liar and that she would make me pay. You know what? It hurt. More than words can even say, it hurt.
Still, I love my sister, and I am willing to risk losing her love if it saves her life and saves her ability to be Mom to Ana. At the hearing she looked away from me, and I could see the tears in her eyes. I wanted to hold her and comfort her, but I also could see she was still very angry. It hurt.
Then tonight she called, and in tears ask me to forgive her. I know there is so much more healing, but at least it has begun and my sister has the help she needs. And through this there has been healing for all of us. God works through our hands, and sometimes when we see it as so dark there is light we can't see until afterwards. This is one of those times. Thankfully...
So let's start fresh. My sister has been on drugs three times. The first time from fourteen to twenty-three, then she got clean and lived with me for two years until she got married the first time. She was married for eighteen months, and then separated and she came to live with me again Then after five years of living life clean she went back to drugs and moved back to California after starting on drugs again.
On July 12, 2005 she stopped drugs and was drug and alcohol free until about a year ago when she began drinking. A month ago she began drugs again.
In November of 2005 she became pregnant and in July of 2006 she had a beautiful little girl named Ana. Her pregnancy was hard, and she passed out from various reasons. Ana was as keyed up as her mother when she was a baby, and she was hard for my sister to raise. She woke up and fussed alot.
My sister had come back to live with us soon after she got off drugs, but she was very different. I and my daughters very much grieved for the person we use to know. She came back telling the truth, but the vibrant person that she once was now was gone. There was so much she didn't understand, and in so many ways she was much more like a child. My son he had trouble getting along with her because he was use to how his sisters dealt with life, and that was not the way my sister lived.
My sister was nice but volatile, and anxious even when things were going well. She didn't understand basic things, and she didn't always get what people were telling her. She was very impulsive, and at times would 'shoot herself in the foot' when things were going pretty good. For the first several months I would have to go to her doctors' appointments with her because she needed me to explain what the doctor had said and what was going to happen. She had trouble with basic things.
There were people that advised me to have her place her child for adoption. I couldn't. You see my sister had had two tubal pregnancies, and a miscarriage. The doctors had told her she couldn't have children. Six months before she got clean her father had died. Most of her life she hadn't known him, but then he became a part of her life, then suddenly he was gone.
When she found she was pregnant with Ana it was a miracle, and I promised God and my sister that no matter what I would uphold her motherhood because I knew it was the only wish she had ever had for herself. She wanted a child more than anything and had been devastated with each pregnancy she lost. She was so frightened she would lose Ana too, but together she and I prayed through and she was blessed with a beautiful daughter.
There was no way I could take her motherhood away from her. So instead since I was the one that didn't even talk to her about adoption, even though I knew for Ana it would be a much better option, I vowed I would do everything in my power to help Ana and my sister, and I would help her to learn to be a good mother. So, I did everything in my power to make life better, and when my sister became anxious I would calm her down, when Ana wouldn't go to sleep easily I would help my sister settle her down. When Ana woke up in the middle of the night screaming, and my sister unawake woke up angrier than a mama bear, one of my daughter's would be there to grab Ana and settle her down as her mother calmed down from the sudden sound.
When Ana was eleven months old my sister got upset and left, and we didn't see her for three days. She got an apartment, though she didn't have money, and then she had to get a job. So once more we had Ana. We helped her find an apartment closer to us so that it would be easier for her to bring her to our home while she worked. Around this time, my sister began working as a flagger for road construction. This would take her out of town for five to six days twenty four hours a day, and she would be home one to two days. We basically were raising Ana. Sometimes she would become very sick when she got home and so she was hospitalized for three-five days a few times.
Once she came home with pneumonia and the other two times the doctors talked about heart trouble. In November of 2008 the doctors told her 'no more flagging'.
She had an enlarged heart and was going into heart failure. She had found a boyfriend while away and he moved here to be with her. She couldn't work while the doctors were trying to figure out what was going on, and so he took over. They got a little house, but he didn't like us, so he would throw a fit if she allowed Ana be around us or even if she came over here. I got so fed up that I didn't speak to them for four months because I was afraid of what I would say in front of Ana. Finally she landed in the hospital, and asked her friend to call me.
She's my sister. I was there in a heartbeat. We were going on a short vacation that day, and she asked me to take Ana with us. This began a tense new beginning. Ana was a different child. She was withdrawn, frightened, and painfully thin. While we were gone my sister attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital for a mandatory four day stay, and so we were asked to keep Ana until she was stabilized. Her boyfriend wasn't allowed to be alone with Ana, and she had a case worker visiting with them every other day.
In November of 2009, on my birthday, my sister and Ana moved back in with us, and even when it was rocky she stayed with us until January a year and a half ago when she punched my son in the chest.
She didn't know I heard it happen, and then I knew I couldn't let this go on. So for the last nineteen months she has lived on her own, or with a boyfriend, or at Ana's father's house. For a couple weeks over Christmas she stayed with us again, but that was almost to much. Now for the last three months she's had a little house, and I was hoping was finally becoming stable. That was until Saturday when I received a frantic call from my sister. She was canceling my niece's birthday party and hour before it was suppose to happen. This was the first indication that something was desperately wrong.
I in my only style, took over. I offered to get a cake and make it happen. It could be a couple hours late, but at least it wouldn't just be cancelled. After doing alot of talking we made this happen. My sister was jumpy and not really relating to what was going on. She would grab the presents out of Ana's hands before she could really even see them. It was strange, and it was while watching her I knew the truth. Sunday we received a call, my sister was hysterical. That was the day that all my worst fears were confirmed.
That's the day I found she was back on drugs, and had been hurt, beaten, and forced to do things no one should ever do. No one knows how much Ana saw, and very honest I am still sick inside thinking about it. My daughter stayed with her that night, and Monday we tried to help my sister get help, but she refused. The next day Megan and I forced the issue.
We went to the court, and signed papers to have her committed to a substance abuse program. That evening we talked with Ana's father-- The guy I had been led to believe was such an aweful person. He wasn't. He didn't want to take Ana from her mother. He just wanted to protect her like we did, and so talking to him we came up with a game plan without getting Child Protective Services involved.
My sister detoxed in the hospital the rest of Tuesday, all of Wednesday, and was moved to rehab on Thursday afternoon. The hearing to decide if she had to stay was today, and the judge decided on inpatient. We don't know how long she will be in there. It could be a week and it probably won't be four weeks, but somewhere in between I would guess.
To go to the court was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I am so against intervening, but I know my sister's heart condition, and I know how weak she is. Every time she ended in the hospital (and that has been on average at least every other month for the last five years.) I've been there with her. Her heart doctor is at Mayo, because locally they don't know what to do for her. I know everything about her condition, and I know that taking Meth will kill her. When my sister wouldn't take action, I didn't know what else to do. Until today my sister wouldn't even talk to me. That was after yelling at me and telling me how much she hates me and telling me I was a liar and that she would make me pay. You know what? It hurt. More than words can even say, it hurt.
Still, I love my sister, and I am willing to risk losing her love if it saves her life and saves her ability to be Mom to Ana. At the hearing she looked away from me, and I could see the tears in her eyes. I wanted to hold her and comfort her, but I also could see she was still very angry. It hurt.
Then tonight she called, and in tears ask me to forgive her. I know there is so much more healing, but at least it has begun and my sister has the help she needs. And through this there has been healing for all of us. God works through our hands, and sometimes when we see it as so dark there is light we can't see until afterwards. This is one of those times. Thankfully...
Monday, July 22, 2013
For the love of broken children
Something happened to a person close to me today, and without naming them, I just need a place to talk about it. I hope you do not mind. My friend got a call from her sister. It was a frantic call, her sister was hysterical and barely understandable. You have to understand my friend's sister has had alot of trouble since she was young with drugs. Until the last month she had been off drugs for over seven years, and she has a little girl. My friend has in every way tried to be the best sister she could be. For the first five years of her niece's life she not only helped raise her, but her niece lived with her. The last couple years though the sister pretty much cut my friend out of her life, but that helped my friend to focus on her own family even though she has been hurt for the lack of time she has had with her niece. Today without warning everything exploded with that hysterical call. She and another friend went over to her sister's house to find she was being threatened by a boyfriend who was terrorizing both her and her daughter. My friend got both of them out of there and took them to her home while the other person she brought with her talked the boyfriend down and forced him to leave. Once things were under control, the little girl's father came to take her to his house overnight and the sister went to sleep things off. Sounds like a perfect ending-- considering.
It wasn't. It isn't. The little girl's father hasn't been a part of her life until the last year and a half. He has three children, and each he gained custody of so he wouldn't have to pay child support. As long as my friend's sister didn't pursue child support, he had nothing to do with his daughter. He's manipulative, even trying to manipulate my friend, and he's very controlling. Honestly from what I've seen from an outsider's point of view he's pretty abusive emotionally making both the sister and her little girl feel like dirt. He has threatened the sister many times over stupid things, and this he would squash her like a bug if he found out. Though he is not on drugs, and he makes a decent living he is no better for the little girl than her mother, and in some of his calloused ways much worse.
My friend isn't sure how to feel. She says she's numb at this point, and yet overwhelmed. I know she's talked about feeling like she let the little girl down. And though she loves her sister, I think it's very hard to forgive the damage she's causing both her daughter and my friend's family. I keep reminding her of the hard lesson I've had to learn. Love even the unlovable and forgive even the unforgivable. She says she knows, but sometimes that is so hard to do.
The little girl is amazing. My friend said she screamed back at the boyfriend when he threatened her mom, and stood up to him. If you saw her she is a tiny little kid with a big smile and she's not afraid of anyone. Because of the problems her mother has had, she does have some learning issues, but she is smart and she knows people. Consequently, she didn't like this boyfriend even before this incident happened and she also does not get along with her father. My friend is worried what's going to happen to her niece if her sister doesn't straighten up her life or if the father finds out about the sister's stupidity. I wonder if the little girl is left with either of her parents how will she fare? I think she should be protected and loved unconditionally, and that she has a right to stability. Really I think the best place for her to be is with my friend, and for her parents to have visitations-- maybe even supervised visitations.
I hate how children are not treasured in our society. I hate how good parents seemed to be punished, and children like the little girl I am talking about are left in horrible situations because they are not bad enough for someone to intervene, and if someone like my friend would try they would quickly find their hands tied and them unable to do anything to protect children like the little girl. It really gets me ticked. And yet I am only one person... Yet I have a voice-- It come out in writing.
So I appeal to all listening, let's change the system. Let's do all we can for the children-- Not more government. Because we all know when the government gets involved it just makes it worse. Let's get involved in the lives around us. Let's help parents that are struggling. Let's be our brother's (and sister's) keepers. Let's pour out our love on those around us. Let's become foster parents. Let's adopt children that haven't had the easiest road-- whether legal adoption or by being mentors, or by taking over when the parent needs help. Let's help stop drugs by giving a weak person some hope and joy and love. Please! I appeal to you! Give of yourself for the ones around you. Because they need you.
It wasn't. It isn't. The little girl's father hasn't been a part of her life until the last year and a half. He has three children, and each he gained custody of so he wouldn't have to pay child support. As long as my friend's sister didn't pursue child support, he had nothing to do with his daughter. He's manipulative, even trying to manipulate my friend, and he's very controlling. Honestly from what I've seen from an outsider's point of view he's pretty abusive emotionally making both the sister and her little girl feel like dirt. He has threatened the sister many times over stupid things, and this he would squash her like a bug if he found out. Though he is not on drugs, and he makes a decent living he is no better for the little girl than her mother, and in some of his calloused ways much worse.
My friend isn't sure how to feel. She says she's numb at this point, and yet overwhelmed. I know she's talked about feeling like she let the little girl down. And though she loves her sister, I think it's very hard to forgive the damage she's causing both her daughter and my friend's family. I keep reminding her of the hard lesson I've had to learn. Love even the unlovable and forgive even the unforgivable. She says she knows, but sometimes that is so hard to do.
The little girl is amazing. My friend said she screamed back at the boyfriend when he threatened her mom, and stood up to him. If you saw her she is a tiny little kid with a big smile and she's not afraid of anyone. Because of the problems her mother has had, she does have some learning issues, but she is smart and she knows people. Consequently, she didn't like this boyfriend even before this incident happened and she also does not get along with her father. My friend is worried what's going to happen to her niece if her sister doesn't straighten up her life or if the father finds out about the sister's stupidity. I wonder if the little girl is left with either of her parents how will she fare? I think she should be protected and loved unconditionally, and that she has a right to stability. Really I think the best place for her to be is with my friend, and for her parents to have visitations-- maybe even supervised visitations.
I hate how children are not treasured in our society. I hate how good parents seemed to be punished, and children like the little girl I am talking about are left in horrible situations because they are not bad enough for someone to intervene, and if someone like my friend would try they would quickly find their hands tied and them unable to do anything to protect children like the little girl. It really gets me ticked. And yet I am only one person... Yet I have a voice-- It come out in writing.
So I appeal to all listening, let's change the system. Let's do all we can for the children-- Not more government. Because we all know when the government gets involved it just makes it worse. Let's get involved in the lives around us. Let's help parents that are struggling. Let's be our brother's (and sister's) keepers. Let's pour out our love on those around us. Let's become foster parents. Let's adopt children that haven't had the easiest road-- whether legal adoption or by being mentors, or by taking over when the parent needs help. Let's help stop drugs by giving a weak person some hope and joy and love. Please! I appeal to you! Give of yourself for the ones around you. Because they need you.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
My Aunt Dee
There is a sweet lady in California, where I was raised, who is stuck in a bed and is slowly dying. She is a good Christian woman that has loved so many people. She is a mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and Godmother to my mother along with being her aunt.
When I was a hurt, angry, and confused teenager she showed me Jesus, and she is a person I am so glad I've known. After my grandmother's death, she was the person that helped pull me through. I don't think that was what she was trying to do. She was just loving me as she does and did everyone. She has six children who live in different parts of the country, and more grandchildren and great grandchildren than I can easily count. Right now they are all wanting to visit her, and even as these are her last days and weeks she joyfully welcomes everyone, my mother tells me when I call and ask how things are going.
Though she is in pain, and knows these are her last times, she is at peace because she knows who she is and the promises of her savior. She trusts those promises. She always has. Even though she did not have the perfect life, and often had hardships that she did not deserve, she has remained peaceful, kind, and loving for as long as I have had the priviledge to know her.
Now it is our chance, the ones she has loved, to give back a little of the kindness she poured upon us. For those nearby to her, it is a chance to spend time helping her be as comfortable as she can be, and being there with her. For those like me that are two thousand plus miles away, and don't have the ability to be near, it means praying for Jesus to take her in his arms and give his love to her as she has always done for others. She is in our thoughts and prayers constantly, not just in the evening or morning, but all day. I tend to thank God again and again for the years she gave me sight to see a better path than I was on, and how I learned to love those around me, whether they were doing wonderful or terrible. Maybe it was even her example that convinced me we must love even the unlovable, and we must forgive even the unforgivable. I don't know, because I was to busy soaking up all she gave. My prayer now is just to live up to her legacy, and continued comfort for her.
I do not want to think of not seeing her again this side of heaven, but that is reality. I know when the time comes Jesus will personally come and walk her home, and when that happens I will be in tears because I will miss her deeply, but I will also have the assurance that she is where she has always longed to be. She evidenced that by the way she lived, and the way she is not afraid to die.
For my readers that do not know me personally, I thought you should know a little about my Aunt Dee. For those who know my family, you all know what I write about Aunt Dee does not do her enough justice. There are not words enough for that. And to Aunt Dee-- You will always be treasured. I love you.
When I was a hurt, angry, and confused teenager she showed me Jesus, and she is a person I am so glad I've known. After my grandmother's death, she was the person that helped pull me through. I don't think that was what she was trying to do. She was just loving me as she does and did everyone. She has six children who live in different parts of the country, and more grandchildren and great grandchildren than I can easily count. Right now they are all wanting to visit her, and even as these are her last days and weeks she joyfully welcomes everyone, my mother tells me when I call and ask how things are going.
Though she is in pain, and knows these are her last times, she is at peace because she knows who she is and the promises of her savior. She trusts those promises. She always has. Even though she did not have the perfect life, and often had hardships that she did not deserve, she has remained peaceful, kind, and loving for as long as I have had the priviledge to know her.
Now it is our chance, the ones she has loved, to give back a little of the kindness she poured upon us. For those nearby to her, it is a chance to spend time helping her be as comfortable as she can be, and being there with her. For those like me that are two thousand plus miles away, and don't have the ability to be near, it means praying for Jesus to take her in his arms and give his love to her as she has always done for others. She is in our thoughts and prayers constantly, not just in the evening or morning, but all day. I tend to thank God again and again for the years she gave me sight to see a better path than I was on, and how I learned to love those around me, whether they were doing wonderful or terrible. Maybe it was even her example that convinced me we must love even the unlovable, and we must forgive even the unforgivable. I don't know, because I was to busy soaking up all she gave. My prayer now is just to live up to her legacy, and continued comfort for her.
I do not want to think of not seeing her again this side of heaven, but that is reality. I know when the time comes Jesus will personally come and walk her home, and when that happens I will be in tears because I will miss her deeply, but I will also have the assurance that she is where she has always longed to be. She evidenced that by the way she lived, and the way she is not afraid to die.
For my readers that do not know me personally, I thought you should know a little about my Aunt Dee. For those who know my family, you all know what I write about Aunt Dee does not do her enough justice. There are not words enough for that. And to Aunt Dee-- You will always be treasured. I love you.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Maxine's Story-- Martin Westings true nature-- Scene 3
Here is the next scene. It is the most violent scene in the story. In this scene Maxine's step father violently abuses both Emily and Maxine. I can't say enjoy this reading, but it is part of the story.
April, 1913
The rain poured outside her window. Lightening frightened her soul. There were bad things that happened during
the storms. Someone stood at the door of the room her sister and she shared. He
stood straight and stiff like some kind of beast. She closed her eyes tightly and called out to
her sister. “Emm, I’m frightened.”
“It is only a rain
storm, Maxine. You must be brave.” She opened one eye and glanced over to the
doorway. The tall beast still stood
there. Quickly she closed her eyes.
“Allow me to sooth
you, little Maxine.” The sound of the
voice was that of their new father, but as she stole another glance the figure
was that of the retched beast that sometimes came to their room looking as if
it was bent on destruction tonight.
“She is all
right…” Her sister called as if she
would be able to protect her. She gritted
her jaw and closed her eyes tight as she prayed silently the beast would just
go away this time.
“I didn’t ask for
you to speak Missy!” The beast spoke
again as it sat on her bed its voice was close to sounding just like its form.
“I am
al-alright.” She spoke up bravely. “You-you don’t have to sooth me,
Pa-pa-pa.” Why did it insist on being
called Papa when it came to their room?
The beast did not listen. It sat
there on her bed, and pushed her legs apart, as its claw forcefully invaded her.
“Now isn’t that
better?” She swallowed the tears and
nausea. “Tell me that’s better, little
Maxine. You know you are my very own
little Maxine.” She could not
speak. The words it wanted her to say
would not come this time. It pushed its
claw inside her worse. “Is that better?”
She tried to pull
away from it. “No, you are hurting me.”
“No… I am helping you. Your Papa loves you.” It took its claw away, and she thought it was
over before it grabbed her, pinning her shoulders down. “Let us try this…”
“Stop Papa!” Emily yelled from across the room. “Please stop this!”
The beast got up from
her bed, and she thanked God for her sister silently. It stalked her sister,
slapping her, and then Maxine watched as it pushed Emily down against the bed
and jumped on top of her. She screamed
in pain. “No more! Papa no more! No
more!”
“Maxine run, leave!
Hurry!” Her sister yelled out, but
Maxine froze in her bed. How bad would
it hurt her sister if she ran away? Was
the beast trying to kill her sister because she protected her? Instead she curled up into a little ball, and
pretended she was dead.
“No man will ever
want you when I’m through with you.” It
seethed in hellish fury. That’s what the
beast was! It had to be a demon, Maxine
decided.
“I don’t care! You cannot do this to her! She’s only eight years old!” Maxine watched as it pushed itself on her violently
with an evil leer in its eye. Her sister
screamed and began crying. It did it
again and again as her sister’s body shook.
She couldn’t let it abuse her sister further, but she did not have the
strength to end the unspeakable horror.
There was only one way she knew to make it stop.
“No, Papa…!” Maxine called in a panicked and frightened
voice. “Emm won’t say anything
anymore! You can help me! I-it does make me better.” She squeezed her eyes shut with the lie. Her Sunday school teacher told them they
should never utter falsehoods and insincerities, but she had to protect her
sister somehow. It would be better for
it just to hurt her than to hurt both of them.
She watched as he pushed himself up from Emily’s bed. Emily did not move at first. She was afraid the beast had killed her. Then it came to her bed again, and flipped
her body over. She made herself go limp
as tears welled. This must be a new
torture the beast invented. It had not
done this before. He plunged her face
into the pillows as somewhere she heard a scream and the tears started to flow
freely from her eyes. Her stomach clenched up.
Pain gripped her little body as she swallowed the screams that wanted to
escape. She knew if she screamed he
would hurt her worse. She prayed Emily
got away. She prayed she was alive. Who would take care of her if something
happened to Emily? The pain made her
breath stick inside of her and she felt as if she could not breathe. Her body became numb as the searing cuts
became unbearable. Then everything went
to nothingness and she felt no more.
Sometime
later it stopped and left her, and she became aware once more. Quiet as could be, she got up from the bed
and struggled to take the sheet and blanket off. Then she cleaned her vomit where it had
landed on the floor. The room held a
stench that made her want to throw up again.
She could not think about sleeping there anymore tonight. Tears soaked her little cheeks, but silence
over came her voice. If she made a noise
it may come harm her again. Pain racked
her body. Her back hurt so bad, and her
legs barely felt like they could move.
Still she hurried away with her bed clothing. She snuck down the steps and went outside
into the rain. She hung the sheets on
the laundry lines. Maybe the rain would make her clean. She at least had a
measure of safety out there. She stayed
out until she was shivering, then she tip toed through the kitchen door. Quietly, she pumped water into the pail and
filled the large steel tub they used sometimes in the summer for baths. The water was cold and made her feel icy
inside and out, but at the very least it cleaned away the blood the beast left
on her legs and stomach. If her mother knew what would she do? Would she stop it? She knew she would, but how hard would it be
for her mother? Would it harm her
mother too? Could it hurt women as well
as girls? She swallowed and decided it
would be better to stay quiet. It was
bad enough the beast attacked her sister.
It would be horrible if it hurt her mother! The rain was coming down so hard. Would her mother be back from the Sheldon’s
home soon? Why did they have to have another
baby born tonight? Why did she have to
be gone on a rainy night? At least when
her mother was here the beast didn’t hurt her quite as bad. It never drew blood before tonight. “God, protect Emily. Don’t let the beast hurt her again. Protect Mama, too. Please stop the beast from coming on rainy
nights. Please keep it from our home.”
“Shhh.” Emily came in the backdoor and helped her
clean away the blood. “Here, take this…” She handed her a blanket to wrap around
herself. “Go upstairs, I will clean
up.” Maxine nodded and did as her sister
bid her. She fell asleep in the chair
near their beds, but in the morning she was in a clean bed, covered with a warm
blanket. Quietly she opened her
eyes. Emily’s bed was already made, and
she was not in the room. It almost
seemed like a horrible nightmare. But if
it was she had woken up to find everything alright.
Quietly she dressed herself then went
downstairs into the dining room. Her
mother was back home and sitting down at the table. Emily was helping their housekeeper with the
breakfast entrees. Martin Westing sat at
the head of the table watching carefully.
“Emily it is time
for you to sit down.” Martin’s voice
boomed and Maxine barely kept herself from shivering. Her sister quickly did as she was told. Emily’s hair was in a looser bun than it
normally was, and more of the curls had escaped. Maxine watched her. Was last night just a horrible
nightmare? Then she noticed the purplish
markings on her sister’s neck and wrists.
She took a small breath to force away her tears. She had hoped it was just a dream, but her
sister’s bruises let her know it wasn’t.
If only she and Emily could escape.
Maxine pressed her lips together and made a quiet vow to herself. If there was ever a chance she would escape
and go back to her grandmother no matter what her mother would think. For now, though, she would do her best to
help her sister, and she would not allow herself to be afraid of the rain. Perhaps if she was not frightened the beast
would not come and hurt them.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
A quick update on The Key to Her Heart and a quick movie review.
How is your summer going? Hope all is well. Todd's in China for two weeks with his work. July is birthday month around here, and this year it is homeschool planning month because I let Peter have about six weeks off of school-- which I almost never do because he needs to catch up and I absolutely hate teaching reviews! He has been bugging me every year. "Please Mom my friends have off from school, why can't I?" This year he got his wish. And you know what? Today he asked to start up school again. HAHHH! Yeah, that's a little bit of glee. But oh boy! I don't want to think of what all we'll need to review! It's given me this time to focus on The Key to Her Heart. Which was my theme for this post-- A quick update. So let me tell you what Meg, Hope, and I have been doing as far as getting ready for publication.
The only problem maybe by the time I get done it might not be quick-- who knows? Things are going amazingly well. Megan has been talking to everyone I swear about The Key to Her Heart and setting up reviews, book signings, and she's been in contact with different publishing companies. Then she checks on their credentials and any complaints. She's the most incredible publicist/editor. I told her she needs to do this as her day job! She laughed and said she could only handle one project at a time. I'm glad she's my daughter and helping me.
Hope is my go to copy person. She has been so wonderful to have advise from where it comes to how to get the red line copies ready.
For my part the red lines are out and in the hands of my beta readers, or on their way in the case of my two out of town beta readers. I need to start my read through. Confession-- I haven't. I am a little scared of what it will look like in black and white. I know I'll see every inaccuracy and then what? Silly. I should just bite the bullet and get it over with. Sigh. Deep breath. Alright-- that's the plan for Thursday. I'll read my own work and do my own red lining.
Alright in other news: I watched a movie tonight that was quite good. It was called Upside Down, and it was about a forbidden romance of two people on opposite planets. Whoever thought of the premise for the movie did good work. It was believable and sucked your attention right in, which is exactly why I picked it out. I like to escape sometimes from a crazy day, and this movies allowed that escape.
In Upside Down there are two planets right next to each other sharing the same atmosphere with opposite gravity. Now if that isn't enough; the upper planet has made rules that there is to be no contact between the planets except by the employees of TransWorld, and that is only related to work and only on one floor. Interesting premise??? The filming must have been interesting, but they did a great job and as I said earlier very believeable. I don't know what my science fiction teche husband would say, but personally I thought they did a really neat job with the science aspects too-- which was alot of the movie.
There is another place the two planets connect almost, and there the two characters meet when they are children. They are playmates, but no one knows, and as teenagers fall in love until Eden, the female character, apparently is killed. Ten years go by and the male character, Adam, finds out she is alive. The rest is about how they connect and the ending almost lets you down, but then gives you a sweet surprise. I think they set it up well enough for a sequel too. On a star scale of 1-5, five being the best, I'd give it a 4-- maybe even a 4 1/4. It was good enough to mention to my wonderful readers, so that's worth something.
In other other news: Friday or Saturday I'll post the next scene from Maxine's Story. I need to do a little editing and figuring how to connect all the scenes to make a cohesive novella. If it falls in line pretty good I might try to publish it as an ebook in the next few months. I really need to give it more of my time, but have been working hard on The Key to Her Heart so Maxine's Story hasn't been given the time it really needs. After I finish redlining it will have my attention. Then maybe I can have it ready by the end of September or the beginning of October. We shall see. What do you think? Twitter me, or Facebook or leave a comment here if you have an opinion. I would love to hear your view. In the mean time-- keep reading. It makes my day to know people are actually reading these posts.
The only problem maybe by the time I get done it might not be quick-- who knows? Things are going amazingly well. Megan has been talking to everyone I swear about The Key to Her Heart and setting up reviews, book signings, and she's been in contact with different publishing companies. Then she checks on their credentials and any complaints. She's the most incredible publicist/editor. I told her she needs to do this as her day job! She laughed and said she could only handle one project at a time. I'm glad she's my daughter and helping me.
Hope is my go to copy person. She has been so wonderful to have advise from where it comes to how to get the red line copies ready.
For my part the red lines are out and in the hands of my beta readers, or on their way in the case of my two out of town beta readers. I need to start my read through. Confession-- I haven't. I am a little scared of what it will look like in black and white. I know I'll see every inaccuracy and then what? Silly. I should just bite the bullet and get it over with. Sigh. Deep breath. Alright-- that's the plan for Thursday. I'll read my own work and do my own red lining.
Alright in other news: I watched a movie tonight that was quite good. It was called Upside Down, and it was about a forbidden romance of two people on opposite planets. Whoever thought of the premise for the movie did good work. It was believable and sucked your attention right in, which is exactly why I picked it out. I like to escape sometimes from a crazy day, and this movies allowed that escape.
In Upside Down there are two planets right next to each other sharing the same atmosphere with opposite gravity. Now if that isn't enough; the upper planet has made rules that there is to be no contact between the planets except by the employees of TransWorld, and that is only related to work and only on one floor. Interesting premise??? The filming must have been interesting, but they did a great job and as I said earlier very believeable. I don't know what my science fiction teche husband would say, but personally I thought they did a really neat job with the science aspects too-- which was alot of the movie.
There is another place the two planets connect almost, and there the two characters meet when they are children. They are playmates, but no one knows, and as teenagers fall in love until Eden, the female character, apparently is killed. Ten years go by and the male character, Adam, finds out she is alive. The rest is about how they connect and the ending almost lets you down, but then gives you a sweet surprise. I think they set it up well enough for a sequel too. On a star scale of 1-5, five being the best, I'd give it a 4-- maybe even a 4 1/4. It was good enough to mention to my wonderful readers, so that's worth something.
In other other news: Friday or Saturday I'll post the next scene from Maxine's Story. I need to do a little editing and figuring how to connect all the scenes to make a cohesive novella. If it falls in line pretty good I might try to publish it as an ebook in the next few months. I really need to give it more of my time, but have been working hard on The Key to Her Heart so Maxine's Story hasn't been given the time it really needs. After I finish redlining it will have my attention. Then maybe I can have it ready by the end of September or the beginning of October. We shall see. What do you think? Twitter me, or Facebook or leave a comment here if you have an opinion. I would love to hear your view. In the mean time-- keep reading. It makes my day to know people are actually reading these posts.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
We are talking-- it's going to take a miracle-- I think God can do it!
Hey all!
How is your summer going? Mine has been so busy! Yesterday we finished printing the redline copies of The Key to Her Heart, and some of my beta readers got their copies, finally! It's a funny feeling to hold in your hands a print copy of something you have been working on the computer forever. It is like it is real. And you realize in that moment that you made it happened. That moment you become geddy and a little crazy. You feel like jumping up and down, and finally you give a little squeal out of pure delight. It is happening! Wow! How could it be? Then you think again and say it once more to yourself, "I did this.". It feels indescribably awesome. The other thing that goes through your mind is that this was the easy part. Now comes the really hard stuff.
Getting this book out there by November fifth is going to be no sort of a miracle and actually having people buy it and read it, that will definitely be a miracle. But hey, I'm up for interventions from God-- That's kinda been my life.
This book is no less in need as I was. Maybe that's the coolest part. I can't do this on my own. In the middle of editing it my life fell apart, and my body rebelled, and once more it was God who put me back together again.
I don't know how much I have shared about my life, but from before birth my life has depended on God taking over and overcoming what 'should' have happened to me. I've fought illness since being in utero. By all rights I should have been miscarried.
After birth, my parents had me at the doctors at least once a week, and that is not an exaggeration. I carried a bacteria that antibiotics just didn't get rid of and I was sick.
As a little child I was abused-- not by my parents. Later as a young adult faced other forms of abuse (not smoking, alcohol or drugs even though that is in my genetics), but then at twenty-three I decided no more, and I became a survivor.
At twenty-five I married the most wonderful man on the face of the planet, and at twenty-nine found out I was in liver failure. Deciding to go completely natural was a complete gamble, but I was up for it, so I dived in. Three years later, and about ten thousand dollars later, the good news was my liver, while it would never be completely better, was more than functional.
Five years after that I had a colonoscopy and found I had over a thousand tumors. It's something called FAP. It's genetic, and my kids had a 50% chance of having it. Again God come through (if you couldn't see he has already several times in this story) none of my children inherited it from me.
For six months I did everything out there, I could find, naturally, but when my doctor checked me again I just had more. At that point the choices were grim. If one has 100 tumors they are said to have 100% chance of cancer. I had THOUSANDS and had no cancer.
But remember the liver-- The chances of me surviving a 6 to 8 hour surgery where about 50/50. When you have four children and life those aren't the best odds, and then you are talking about me-- Miss super non-interventionist and don't like needles (and they don't like me either) and don't do medical model anything and like my all natural organic lifestyle. Heck at this point I hadn't taken an antibiotic in more than eighteen years! I wouldn't even take an aspirin or pain reliever.
But the problem was if I didn't have the surgery my chances of surviving five years were nil --as in there was a 90% chance I would be dead before forty. This time it took some real praying. I had prayed and watched God heal me many times. I lived on God interventions.
God and I have always had this interesting relationship since when I was a kid and facing things-- you don't want to know about. He kinda took over my upbrining-- I can't explain it. It's kinda neat - kinda weird, and most people would think I was making it up, but I'm not. It was God that saved me out of the abuse and began directing my life even when I fought him-- which I always did. I guess it's just the way he made me or something... I don't know. He can judge. If he tells me to change I will otherwise I've got other things to focus on.
Anyway, back to the story, by this time I'd been praying for nine months, and my body wasn't better. In fact because of the poisons my colon was throwing off I couldn't eat, and other organs were starting to have trouble-- including my liver. I prayed like no other, but God was only saying one thing. Have the surgery and trust Him to take care of me.
Believe me! I needed ALOT of convincing. I knew a few people that had had their colon removed. I knew I would lose the ability to digest my raw veggies that I loved so much. I'd have to be on an absolutely fiber free diet for months. You have to understand, I am not on the Standard American Diet.
I am a vegetarian.
I LOVE -- repeat LOOOOVVVE raw vegetables-- that, nuts, seeds, and popcorn are my favorite foods. My other favorite food is strawberries. I do some kefir and greek yogurt, and cheese. That's my diet. Let me explain. I knew that I would have to give up all these foods and possibly never be able to have them again. Surgery to me was not an option. Nine months is how long it took to convince me, and even then I was shaking in my shoes.
I drove my doctors crazy along the way. My doctor here in town was brought to tears as I explained my reservations. He's the one that showed me the statistics. He explained at any moment one of the tumors could become cancerous, and then it would spread quickly and my life would be over. My doctor at the hospital was so frustrated because I refused to do an epidural when I finally did agree to surgery.
I'd given birth to three children, and there was no way with them I was going to do medicine. Why the hell would I let them stick a needle in my back for this? I stuck to my guns, but in June we went on a trip to my home state-- California. While we were there, God got real clear with me. He told me in no uncertain terms I either did the surgery or I died. No one else could really get that in my head. "Alright God," I bargained a little, "But you have to have me survive, first, and second I don't want to do it until August. Give me the summer to enjoy the fruit trees and my veggies. And it has to be done my way-- No cancer because you know me, and you know I won't do chemo or radiation. You have to give me help for the kids. God the real big thing-- There's no way their going to put that needle in my back!" Now mind you I was so sick I could barely eat a fresh peach without total pain. I still did. I still had all the strawberries I could get my hands on, and then I'd spent the next hours running into the bathroom twenty to thirty times and my stomach going in twisted circles.
Actually I was never without pain. Even knocked out at the colonoscopy back in November I about jumped off the table when the doctor hit one of the tumors and from that point on I watched the screen in horror seeing there was not a place there wasn't a tumor. I knew in that moment what I was going to have to do.
So fast forward to August 14, 2007. I arrived at the hospital before eight in the morning. They had to poke me seven times, and finally decided to half way knock me out to get the I.V. in. The doctor came in cursing because I had refused the epidural, and though I was suppose to be out-- I wasn't quite. I got to hear her! "She really doesn't know what's she doing." She groaned in her brash way with a few swear words thrown in for good measure. If I had been more awake I probably would have snickered.
By the way I knew exactly what I was doing, and if I was going to do this, this was how it would be done. Oh I forgot to mention I am allergic to just about every pain medication out there-- all except morphine! And the times I'd been knocked out they really had trouble waking me up, and I'd never been put under for as long as six hours, let alone the nine the surgery ended up taking. So this was a huge chance on my part, and for the doctors everyone knew there was a real chance they would have an allergic reaction on their hands. That was probably the biggest risk of all, and the scariest thing for me. I'd had reactions all my life. There were reasons I did not take medications and stuck with my natural lifestyle. Simply put it was much safer!
Believe it or not, ten hours later I woke up without pain with a morphine drip that I could control by button on my I.V. I was not in pain. Let me say that again. I woke up without pain. That fact alone shocked everyone including me. Six o'clock that night after fifty stitches in my belly, and more than that in my putatis, and stitches inside me I was not in pain.
Three days later I could move and sleep and walk without any medication. Four days after that I came home.
Six weeks later the pain of them taking the stitches out of my butt almost made me pass out! But I made it through. For three months I was fiber free. I ran strawberries through my Vita Mix and then ran them through cheesecloth so I could drink them. I made veggie juice with my juicer, and then slowly between three and six months began adding foods back in.
Six years later I've been back to my normal Cat diet for years-- nuts, seeds, popcorn, all the veggies I can eat, cheese quesadillas on corn tortillas because I am gluten intolerant, and strawberries! And I am so stoked because since that summer my peach trees haven't had peaches until this summer! Oh, I can't wait! Think of it, a peach without pain! Oh! I am so looking forward to that.
My point for this story-- is God directed me and brought me through that just like now. Do you really think it was my idea to do this? I am a complete techno fob! Crowds are not my thing either. I am a quiet little (well not so little either) opinionated homeschooling mom who just happened to write stories that 'someday' I would publish-- maybe. Then once more God kicked my butt. He really has a habit of doing that-- It's for my good, I know, but it's not so fun-- Except this time, well it is alot less painful-- so far. The rest of this journey? I have no clue. He told me to do this. So He's the one that has to direct me. I am just here, obeying. Sometimes I even smile about it. And the biggest surprise is you. Actually reading my posts. Who would have thought? That always gives me a smile :) <-- That's something new I learned recently. Have an awesome day! Keep reading! I'll keep you up on the journey.
And God for his part will intervene like he has always in my life-- except this time it might even be fun!
Cat out.
How is your summer going? Mine has been so busy! Yesterday we finished printing the redline copies of The Key to Her Heart, and some of my beta readers got their copies, finally! It's a funny feeling to hold in your hands a print copy of something you have been working on the computer forever. It is like it is real. And you realize in that moment that you made it happened. That moment you become geddy and a little crazy. You feel like jumping up and down, and finally you give a little squeal out of pure delight. It is happening! Wow! How could it be? Then you think again and say it once more to yourself, "I did this.". It feels indescribably awesome. The other thing that goes through your mind is that this was the easy part. Now comes the really hard stuff.
Getting this book out there by November fifth is going to be no sort of a miracle and actually having people buy it and read it, that will definitely be a miracle. But hey, I'm up for interventions from God-- That's kinda been my life.
This book is no less in need as I was. Maybe that's the coolest part. I can't do this on my own. In the middle of editing it my life fell apart, and my body rebelled, and once more it was God who put me back together again.
I don't know how much I have shared about my life, but from before birth my life has depended on God taking over and overcoming what 'should' have happened to me. I've fought illness since being in utero. By all rights I should have been miscarried.
After birth, my parents had me at the doctors at least once a week, and that is not an exaggeration. I carried a bacteria that antibiotics just didn't get rid of and I was sick.
As a little child I was abused-- not by my parents. Later as a young adult faced other forms of abuse (not smoking, alcohol or drugs even though that is in my genetics), but then at twenty-three I decided no more, and I became a survivor.
At twenty-five I married the most wonderful man on the face of the planet, and at twenty-nine found out I was in liver failure. Deciding to go completely natural was a complete gamble, but I was up for it, so I dived in. Three years later, and about ten thousand dollars later, the good news was my liver, while it would never be completely better, was more than functional.
Five years after that I had a colonoscopy and found I had over a thousand tumors. It's something called FAP. It's genetic, and my kids had a 50% chance of having it. Again God come through (if you couldn't see he has already several times in this story) none of my children inherited it from me.
For six months I did everything out there, I could find, naturally, but when my doctor checked me again I just had more. At that point the choices were grim. If one has 100 tumors they are said to have 100% chance of cancer. I had THOUSANDS and had no cancer.
But remember the liver-- The chances of me surviving a 6 to 8 hour surgery where about 50/50. When you have four children and life those aren't the best odds, and then you are talking about me-- Miss super non-interventionist and don't like needles (and they don't like me either) and don't do medical model anything and like my all natural organic lifestyle. Heck at this point I hadn't taken an antibiotic in more than eighteen years! I wouldn't even take an aspirin or pain reliever.
But the problem was if I didn't have the surgery my chances of surviving five years were nil --as in there was a 90% chance I would be dead before forty. This time it took some real praying. I had prayed and watched God heal me many times. I lived on God interventions.
God and I have always had this interesting relationship since when I was a kid and facing things-- you don't want to know about. He kinda took over my upbrining-- I can't explain it. It's kinda neat - kinda weird, and most people would think I was making it up, but I'm not. It was God that saved me out of the abuse and began directing my life even when I fought him-- which I always did. I guess it's just the way he made me or something... I don't know. He can judge. If he tells me to change I will otherwise I've got other things to focus on.
Anyway, back to the story, by this time I'd been praying for nine months, and my body wasn't better. In fact because of the poisons my colon was throwing off I couldn't eat, and other organs were starting to have trouble-- including my liver. I prayed like no other, but God was only saying one thing. Have the surgery and trust Him to take care of me.
Believe me! I needed ALOT of convincing. I knew a few people that had had their colon removed. I knew I would lose the ability to digest my raw veggies that I loved so much. I'd have to be on an absolutely fiber free diet for months. You have to understand, I am not on the Standard American Diet.
I am a vegetarian.
I LOVE -- repeat LOOOOVVVE raw vegetables-- that, nuts, seeds, and popcorn are my favorite foods. My other favorite food is strawberries. I do some kefir and greek yogurt, and cheese. That's my diet. Let me explain. I knew that I would have to give up all these foods and possibly never be able to have them again. Surgery to me was not an option. Nine months is how long it took to convince me, and even then I was shaking in my shoes.
I drove my doctors crazy along the way. My doctor here in town was brought to tears as I explained my reservations. He's the one that showed me the statistics. He explained at any moment one of the tumors could become cancerous, and then it would spread quickly and my life would be over. My doctor at the hospital was so frustrated because I refused to do an epidural when I finally did agree to surgery.
I'd given birth to three children, and there was no way with them I was going to do medicine. Why the hell would I let them stick a needle in my back for this? I stuck to my guns, but in June we went on a trip to my home state-- California. While we were there, God got real clear with me. He told me in no uncertain terms I either did the surgery or I died. No one else could really get that in my head. "Alright God," I bargained a little, "But you have to have me survive, first, and second I don't want to do it until August. Give me the summer to enjoy the fruit trees and my veggies. And it has to be done my way-- No cancer because you know me, and you know I won't do chemo or radiation. You have to give me help for the kids. God the real big thing-- There's no way their going to put that needle in my back!" Now mind you I was so sick I could barely eat a fresh peach without total pain. I still did. I still had all the strawberries I could get my hands on, and then I'd spent the next hours running into the bathroom twenty to thirty times and my stomach going in twisted circles.
Actually I was never without pain. Even knocked out at the colonoscopy back in November I about jumped off the table when the doctor hit one of the tumors and from that point on I watched the screen in horror seeing there was not a place there wasn't a tumor. I knew in that moment what I was going to have to do.
So fast forward to August 14, 2007. I arrived at the hospital before eight in the morning. They had to poke me seven times, and finally decided to half way knock me out to get the I.V. in. The doctor came in cursing because I had refused the epidural, and though I was suppose to be out-- I wasn't quite. I got to hear her! "She really doesn't know what's she doing." She groaned in her brash way with a few swear words thrown in for good measure. If I had been more awake I probably would have snickered.
By the way I knew exactly what I was doing, and if I was going to do this, this was how it would be done. Oh I forgot to mention I am allergic to just about every pain medication out there-- all except morphine! And the times I'd been knocked out they really had trouble waking me up, and I'd never been put under for as long as six hours, let alone the nine the surgery ended up taking. So this was a huge chance on my part, and for the doctors everyone knew there was a real chance they would have an allergic reaction on their hands. That was probably the biggest risk of all, and the scariest thing for me. I'd had reactions all my life. There were reasons I did not take medications and stuck with my natural lifestyle. Simply put it was much safer!
Believe it or not, ten hours later I woke up without pain with a morphine drip that I could control by button on my I.V. I was not in pain. Let me say that again. I woke up without pain. That fact alone shocked everyone including me. Six o'clock that night after fifty stitches in my belly, and more than that in my putatis, and stitches inside me I was not in pain.
Three days later I could move and sleep and walk without any medication. Four days after that I came home.
Six weeks later the pain of them taking the stitches out of my butt almost made me pass out! But I made it through. For three months I was fiber free. I ran strawberries through my Vita Mix and then ran them through cheesecloth so I could drink them. I made veggie juice with my juicer, and then slowly between three and six months began adding foods back in.
Six years later I've been back to my normal Cat diet for years-- nuts, seeds, popcorn, all the veggies I can eat, cheese quesadillas on corn tortillas because I am gluten intolerant, and strawberries! And I am so stoked because since that summer my peach trees haven't had peaches until this summer! Oh, I can't wait! Think of it, a peach without pain! Oh! I am so looking forward to that.
My point for this story-- is God directed me and brought me through that just like now. Do you really think it was my idea to do this? I am a complete techno fob! Crowds are not my thing either. I am a quiet little (well not so little either) opinionated homeschooling mom who just happened to write stories that 'someday' I would publish-- maybe. Then once more God kicked my butt. He really has a habit of doing that-- It's for my good, I know, but it's not so fun-- Except this time, well it is alot less painful-- so far. The rest of this journey? I have no clue. He told me to do this. So He's the one that has to direct me. I am just here, obeying. Sometimes I even smile about it. And the biggest surprise is you. Actually reading my posts. Who would have thought? That always gives me a smile :) <-- That's something new I learned recently. Have an awesome day! Keep reading! I'll keep you up on the journey.
And God for his part will intervene like he has always in my life-- except this time it might even be fun!
Cat out.
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