Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Review of Trusting Jack

Review of Trusting Jack by Beth Hales

Trusting Jack is a passionate tale of healing after betrayal. Emma loved once, or thought she did at least, and then was not only betrayed but condemned by her own husband, Ryan. She was left broken. After she hid away from life. When she decides to take her life back and live as her heart longs to, she meets Jack. He is as opposite to Ryan as day is to night. She still questions whether its real. Can he truly like her for who she is? Is that possible? What if the past is repeating itself? There is a point when Sarah comes back on the scene that she thinks it is repeating. What if Ryan's critique of her is what is real? Just when she thinks she understands-- disaster does strike.

This was a wonderful romantic tale. It was right up my alley. There is a little danger in the story and a lot of Emma second guessing herself, but she is surrounded by good people now. The battle is not only if she can trust Jack, but what about Norah and Chris? Her actress boss and her best friend have so much love for her, but she still has Ryan's voice in her head. In the story Emma's battle is learning to trust and allowing her heart to heal and the lies she was told to fall away off her shoulders. When the past seems to be repeating itself will she hide again? Or stay and refuse to give up what she loves?

It was not just a category romance, but dealt with a woman who was scarred by an emotionally abusive husband. It has to do with her healing as much as finding love, and yet it's light and fun. There are scenes that made me laugh! Sometimes Emma's critique of herself made me want to cry. I have been where she is and had to dig my way out unsure who I could trust or even at times who I wanted to be. The title is perfect. The story is perfect.

This is a book I would recommend to romance readers that want something that's a little deeper than the typical category romance. I really loved Trusting Jack and I am certain many others will too!

If you would like to read it here is a link where you can look at it for yourself: 


Wednesday, May 11, 2016

My Story: Pregnancy at 46-- Part 3

Couldn't resist this picture. I am holding my grandson
Leo about an hour after he was born.
December 23, 2015
So I ended with the visit to my naturopath in the last part...

The words of my naturopath that January day left me stunned.  I am still in a stun. As she was dealing with me, she dealt with a boatload of spiritual dynamics that I only half way remember, but one thing I do clearly remember are the steps she suggested and I followed. The chaplet she suggested I do daily for at least the next  4 weeks at least  (I ended doing it for 6 weeks then switched over to 2 different novenas). Also I needed to spend time in church dealing with things I had held on to that needed to be let go of and cleansed out. Finally I needed holy water to protect the two babies that were still there from any darkness-- especially the darkness trying to convince me they weren't there.

I stopped to get gas after leaving her office, but instead pulled into a parking lot and cried. In the office we had talked about what Jo had believed... Joseph is my brother who died when my biological mother was pregnant with both of us. We were twins and he passed when my bio mother was about 16 weeks pregnant with both of us. All my life I've had visions of heaven and my brother... It doesn't make sense to most people, but it is a fact of life for me. When we do NET I will go back to emotions or beliefs that come from my brother. This time we talked about Jo. My brother is never referred to as Jo, but as Joseph. But we talked about Jo being afraid of being forgotten. As I cried I had a vision of a little girl holding hands with my brother and grandmother (I lost my grandmother when I was 13). These are the two people that really define my life. I cried because I knew this was the child I had lost. And suddenly I knew that the 'Jo' who was afraid of being forgotten was my little daughter. I suddenly had another glimpse of her praying for the protection that God had put around my womb, and being there with her two siblings-- fighting for them, and somehow understood what had been happening for the last several months. In that moment I knew her name-- Jo-- Josephine Dorothy-- after my grandmother and brother who seemed to be guiding her actions and helping her know what to do, and the two people I love so dearly, but no longer can touch. For a long while I cried. “Oh Jo, I will never never forget you... Just like I will never forget my brother. You gave your life to protect them, just like Joseph did so I could live...” It hit me so hard and for days afterward. Everything I had experienced made sense. My body kept anything that might harm away. Everything inside of me was protecting these two little spiritual beings. My two little miracles that God kept referring to, telling me to “Believe His miracle.” Right then the thought of not believing would have seemed more like forgetting Jo than anything. How could I not believe? I wanted all three of them, but Jo was already beyond where I could hold her.  I would be damned if I let anything happen to the two that were still there!

So Meg had researched a healthy diet for twin pregnancy and had printed a daily check-off sheet so that I could be sure I was eating right for their growth. I began on that. I was taking iron here and there, but I was having extreme exhaustion. So she convinced me to take iron daily. As I did, I began feeling so much better. Each time there was a problem we tweaked something, and it was amazing the difference it made along with daily prayer, and faith that God had this in his hands.

The next Monday I had an appointment with my chiropractor and again she did a doppler, and again she got two heartbeats. This time she told me. “That was two distinct heartbeats in two different locations, and last time the same thing happened.” She didn't say it until I did...
“Twins?” I asked, and she nodded quietly. I don't think she wanted to diagnose, but at the same time I had realized as I watched her getting the heartbeats there were two. It just confirmed what I had heard over a year plus ago from the prophecy and what my nautropath had said when I was there, and also the kicking pattern I was feeling, and the visions I had had once I found out about Jo. Also made sense why the diet was working to make me feel really good.

My chiropractor had a friend who was a sonographer. She had agreed to do a ultrasound if I was interested. I agreed. We scheduled the ultrasound on Monday when I was almost 22 weeks. I was excited and scared. I really wasn't sure how it would go. The more I found out the more that I doubted an ultrasound would be able to see a pregnancy in me.

I do not have a large intestine and so my uterus does not stay in the normal place. I, because of surgery 8 and half years ago (48 stitches right down my middle front from about 2 inches above my belly button to close to my pubic bone.), have massive scar tissue. I am a big girl. I am 5 foot 10 or 11 inches and when they did surgery they had to cut through a 7 inch layer over my organs. Then I was about the same size I was before this pregnancy. I had at one point been 60 pounds heavier, but my change in diet and everything had changed that. So with that seven inch layer still there more than likely and also the scar tissue and the fact that when I laid back so did my uterus, the likelihood of seeing anything wasn't good, and after doing an immense amount of research and talking to people that knew a lot more about this than I do I knew it probably wasn't going to go well. I was hopeful though. So we went in for the ultrasound.

My kidneys looked great. My ovaries and spleen looked great. She checked all my organs. They were perfect. She found my uterus... At least part of it. The top didn't show. But she found the bottom and measured it at 10 cm. She didn't see anything else as far as babies. Disappointment was immense. Everyone left the room except Megan. I asked Megan to have her come back while I was sitting up and try some of the places I was feeling movement. She was very thorough, and she saw my small intestines and how they were very high up. She found a small hernia right below my stoma. She could not ultrasound the area where the scar tissue was. She told me there was no way with ultrasound she would be able to see anything, but that was where I was feeling movement. She tried, and found what she said was my transverse colon with air in it. I spoke up. “I don't have a transverse colon.” She stopped and looked at me for a moment. “Then I don't know... It looks like air in... So they took all your colon?”
“Yes, I don't even have a rectum.”
This is a transverse colon with air in it that I googled.
 What did the sonographer see?
“Oh.” She looked at a few more things, then went back to the 'transverse colon with air in it' and stopped there.
“I don't know what to tell you... You are a puzzle.” For days I thought about that ultrasound. There were no fibroids, no tumors, no problems. My organs were in good shape. But she found a transverse colon that I do not have, and a uterus that was enlarged but with uterine walls that were smooth. And she had disproved that I was in menopause by looking at my ovaries and finding they were normal. In menopause the ovaries shrink up to nothing or close to that. She was impressed by my ovaries and how perfect they were. But she could not prove I was pregnant, and in the end, did not prove that I wasn't either. The thoughts I was left with was the enlarged uterus and the phantom transverse colon. For weeks that puzzled me.

A week later I was feeling movement and had Meg put her hand on my stomach and she felt it too, right where my scar tissue was. A couple weeks after that I went to my masseuse and while she was doing a massage, she also felt movement.

Around this time I had a new symptom I could not make happen... My stoma had been changing shape, which I had read about happening in pregnancy, but in some pregnancies the stoma has so much pressure that more of the small intestine poked through. As I was changing my appliance that covered my stoma I noticed a small tear in the skin and a little bit of intestine poking out near my stoma. This had never happened to me in the 8 ½ years that I had a stoma even as I gained weight and then lost it. But at this point as my stomach expanded my stoma was under pressure. I talked to an ostomy nurse who referred me to talk to a physicians assistant who basically told me that as long as it was not causing me trouble, it was quite normal in the later half of pregnancy. Except for figuring out appliance stuff, it wasn't too much of a worry unless it was causing me trouble. It hadn't caused too much problem, except for having to change my appliance sooner than I was used to. So I decided not to pursue it any further. Honestly, by that point I was pretty much feeling done with most of the medical system.
This is me not pregnant.

At 25 weeks I went into my masseuse again, and she had bought a doppler fetal monitor, and she took a heartbeat. It was in the 130s. As she was doing it, my stomach was moving and once more she was amazed by movement. My stomach was very stretched. I really didn't feel the movement, but she did.

The next week I saw my naturopath again, and she just stared at how much my body changed. She has seen me for 5 ½ years, and worked with me at my highest weight. This day she just stared at me and my very rounded stomach.
“I have never seen you like this!” I laughed and shrugged at her comment. She has never seen me pregnant. I looked very similar to how I looked when I was pregnant with Hope.
“Are you at your highest weight?” I wasn't and still am not. In fact, I am about ten pounds from that weight, and my legs and arms are losing weight while my middle keeps looking more and more like a butterball. She continued not to know what to think as she NET'd two little people inside of me and their fear of not surviving. She dealt with some bacteria issues and helped me figure out what to do to heal that without it impacting my twins.

I saw her again in April and she laughed at how the impossible sure seems possible with me. From doing NET again all seemed fine.

Right now, my body is doing great. We check my blood pressure and doppler the heart rate of the babies weekly. We also do urine checks for protein and about ten other things. My liver started having a little extra throw off of bilirubin so I added some Milk Thistle and a homeopathic and that seemed to clear it up for the most part. I am on a very detailed diet to keep me and the babies healthy. As long as I follow it I feel pretty good. Each day I get exercise, but walking is a little slower because I get short of breath pretty easy. Heartburn is my new friend lately, so little meals almost constantly are the order of the day. Each time I go to my chiropractor I weigh myself. Even though this diet has me consuming between 3 & 4 thousand calories a day my weight has been steady these last weeks. Before September if I had consumed ¼ of what I eat now I would have been a hell of a lot bigger than I am now in all my body parts! Instead my belly is expanding but the rest of me is not. Before this I pretty much did not eat grains. I stuck to a careful vegetarian diet and if I veered even to eating a small amount of rice I swelled up horribly. Now I have between 4-6 servings of some kind of bread/grain a day, and if I do not eat everything I have issues with low blood sugar. My protein is beyond belief! And I still eat a ton of veggies, but now have to make sure I eat 3-4 servings of fruit-- Do not like fruit for the most part. I would eat strawberries and that was about it. Now I even drink orange juice and eat mangoes sometimes. Meg has me eating a banana a day to keep away the leg cramps I started having a month or so ago. As much as I hate bananas I do it because it has worked. When I forget I get the leg cramps back along with restless leg type stuff. Also if I forget my iron I am fatigued beyond belief. So I stick with it, and it has been good.

Made an error earlier.  This was me
at 21 weeks at the end of January.
The reality is that no doctor will see me. No midwife will take me. So Meg and I are working on our game plan. Officially I am not pregnant, but my massage person, Megan, my chiropractor, my naturopath, and my family all firmly believe I am pregnant with twins. My expanding belly points to that, the movement points to that, my ever shortening belly button points to that, the weekly sets of doppler heartbeats taken by three different practitioners point to that. So I am going with it. My belly sure has never moved this much on its own without a baby being involved! And all the symptoms are really weird even if this was a phantom pregnancy... Besides do you get heart beats with a phantom pregnancy? That would be strange-- down right spooky.

I have three more weeks today. My goal is to go for at least 10 more days because I want my kiddos to have the best chance possible. I think they probably had a pretty hard start, but I am trying to make up for that, so I am working hard to do the best I can, but this has been a prayer and research thing, because I do not have a medical team. I have said that God is my physician and Meg is his assistant.

How will birth go? I don't know.
Where will it happen? That is a good question. At this point we are planning on birthing at home. If something doesn't go right we will go to the emergency room. But going there without a doctor is a little frightening. So I have a birth plan for that. I am hopeful that nothing will go wrong. That is in God's hands though. Meg in a few days is taking a class about emergency birth situation in a home birth setting. This is one of the many ways we have been preparing. My last birth class is this Sunday.  Each day I take time to relax and pray.  And of course there is the physical preparing (nesting) and oh boy has there been preparation there!

This is me at 29 weeks.
Some have warned me that I need to protect my family because CPS will accuse me of neglect because of not having prenatal care. But how can I do that when a doctor won't even see me? And I am working to make sure I am caring for these two and me too. I am doing everything possible in the circumstances I am in. How can that be construed as neglect? I have chiropractic care. I have a massage person that is keeping all my muscles in good order. I am taking birth classes. Daily I am overcautious of my diet and exercise. We are keeping close tabs on my blood pressure (which has been normal except when I got bronchitis). I watch carefully for any swelling that would say there is a problem. We are doing weekly dopplers ourselves to keep tabs on how things are going for the twins. I don't always feel the movements because my belly is very stretched, but sometimes I can watch them even if I can't feel them, and I still do feel the smaller movements several times a day. So we will see if anything can be said against me. I am just walking this one day at a time and praying my way through.

This is me today at 37 weeks.
Not my best I admit, but with feeling
so much lower pressure this was the best
I could do today.
I will tell you, though, with the lack of doctor intervention this last several weeks has been peaceful-- More peaceful than any other pregnancy. So there is something. I've talked with two nurses in the last couple weeks. Both told me if I had been with a doctor they would have insisted at inducing me a 36 weeks because of my age and twins. So maybe going about things as we have had to is a good thing. I know even now my babies are not quite ready to come. Now I'm counting down days instead of weeks though! With my diet I feel better than I ever have before while I have been pregnant. Since I have never had a problem giving birth naturally I am not really scared even if this happens at home. I have a history of fast births, so that could be what happens, but we will see. I am really looking forward to holding my twins. That is my biggest thought... Twins. This is what I look forward to, just holding my two miracles.

After their birth I will post about their coming and more pictures. For right now I am trying to get ready for them!  For right now this is Cat out hoping for another 10 days, but realizing that is in God's hands too.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

My story: Pregnancy at 46-- Part 2

March 2, 2016
I have been keeping picture records
since the end of January
The dramatic change that I ended the last post with came at the beginning of December.

I was leaning forward, and suddenly I felt this little fluttery movement. Say what! Naw... Then again.

I kept this silent from anyone. It just wasn't possible. A few days later I felt it again. And a few days later I felt it again while Meg and I were driving to her prenatal appointment with her midwife. Meg was trying to convince me that I was pregnant. She kept telling me about a site that talked about something called cryptic pregnancies... Pregnancies that have no HCG count and that even ultrasound can't find. Usually they grow slower and have a longer gestation... Or some switch over and come out of the undetectable stage after 20 weeks. This happens with 1 in 450 pregnancies. I told her I had been feeling movement. And that for the last few weeks I wasn't as sick. She looked up to see how many weeks I was, and found I was 16 weeks at the time, and the nausea should have ended right when it did. With twin pregnancies I was feeling movement right when I should be.

My husband got his bonus from work on December 14th, and on that day I visited a maternity wear shop with Meg, and bought a couple tops and two bras, pregnancy underwear, and a pair of maternity pants. Whether I was pregnant or not I was tired of being uncomfortable. When I put the clothes on, I finally felt comfortable for the first time in a few weeks. In fact it felt like silk compared to the clothing I had been trying to fit myself into. I had been wearing my bigger clothing and trying to convince myself that everything was the same. When I put on my new clothing I realized how much my middle had grown and how my body had changed. If anything, my legs and arms were smaller, but my middle was looking a little like a butterball.

March 11, 2016
Me in the upstairs bathroom just
 trying to keep up a visual diary
A few days later I visited my chiropractor again, and she decided to do another doppler. Two heartbeats 164 & 140 per minute, one on one side of my abdomen and one on the other. She told me later those were two distinctive heartbeats-- two babies. But that day, she just let me feel my wonderment. Heartbeats-- definitely not aortic beats either. There was something growing inside of me that was alive and moving. That was a blessing in and of itself. I decided this time I was going to believe, and I was going to keep my awe. For now I was doing nothing, but enjoying God's miracle and believing it. The depression I had felt for the last few weeks lifted almost immediately.

Meg went into labor and Leo was born on December 23rd, and life got crazy. His baptism was on December 27th. In that same period we had three church services and Christmas.

Beginning of January Meg, Leo, and I went for a visit to my naturopath. The day before I had found my chaplet beads, and I looked up the prayers for The Chaplet of Saint Michael and did my first chaplet in about four years (I did a chaplet everyday while Becca was pregnant with Tory-- hence her name means St Michael's Joyous Victory, and most of her name I had nothing to do with.  Becca named her and she did not know about my daily chaplets.) This day we were on our way to see the one health practitioner I felt like I could trust. If anyone would know if I was pregnant-- It was her. She has been working on my body for five years and knows how totally different my body works from other people's body. She knows how the emotional, physical, and spiritual interplay in me, and she can usually get to the root cause. Moreover, I trust her because were I am concerned, she has never been wrong.

She began adjusting me, and trying to figure out what was going on, and my body literally shut down on her-- Can't explain it any better than that. It refused to let her work on me. So she tried a different route. One of the modalities she uses, is something called NET. Literally she can ask my body what is going on and it will answer-- I am not going to try to explain that either (if you have had NET done before you understand), but it has always worked on me. This time though something else spoke when she asked about me being pregnant...

Whatever it was it called what was inside of me 'tissue'. 

Sorry, folks... that was not me!

I am adamantly pro-life, and would never call even a baby that has been miscarried 'tissue'. If anything that is a HUGE trigger word for me! It shocked her too. She suggested that Meg and I go to lunch and resume afterwards. So Meg and I left her office, and talked about what had happened as I was driving.

As we talked, I was silently praying. I was turning as a thought crossed my mind. Again I was shocked because it was not mine. I realized I was dealing with something that was not me. Whatever it was it had been there for a long time, and for the most part my body recognized it as its own.

That was a BIG problem!

Meg at the same time spoke up. “That was not you, Mom.” I had spoke the thought out loud, and she recognized the same thing as I had. Suddenly God gave me a clarity on what was going on.

I don't know what anyone reading this believes, but I believe in light and darkness-- in spirits on both sides that can and do attach themselves to humans. Maybe that sounds spooky or crazy, but it is in these beliefs that I have been able to explain what has happened in my life. I don't usually talk about these aspects because I respect each person's ability to believe differently. That to me is a gift that God has given. We have freedom to come to God or not believe... But with what happened that day I have to explain where I come from on this issue because that afternoon changed my understanding of what was going on within me and why.

I knew that voice was not me, and my mind flashed back to when I was little and a family relative had hurt me. I realized that when that happened the thing speaking had attached itself to my life acting as if it was part of who I was. I also realized I would not let it stay there!

March 24, 2016
Me over Pascha trying to figure out
what to wear to Good Friday service
This is the latest picture I've taken. 
“Yeah, I know... And I know where it came from, and I know I need to get rid of it, because it is not good nor does it have good intentions.”   It was then I realized I was beginning the chaplet for a reason. The Chaplet of St. Michael has always been very powerful. 

We talked about everything over lunch, then headed back to my naturopath's office.  At the office, my naturopath began working with my body, but again dealt with something that was not me. She stepped back, and I could see she was perplexed.

“You think you are pregnant with two babies?” She asked, still looking slightly shocked. I nodded, but she shook her head.
“Nope...” I felt confused.
“You were pregnant with three, but one has passed... I am not sure what is going on with the other two, but the one you lost was a girl and she calls the other two 'spiritual beings'.”

This is the place I need to stop, and take a little bit to digest. In that moment I felt a grief I cannot explain, and sorrow that still is in my heart. Even now writing this makes me want to cry. I am going to close this down for the night and come back to finishing this part of the story in the morning. Probably as I am getting in bed, I will have some tears. When my naturopath said it I felt the validity, and knew this was a nugget of truth I needed. I also knew it explained the things happening, and why my body was acting so weird. But I will come back to this in the next part of this blog, and give myself a little time to digest and figure how to write about what happened and the days after my visit to the nautropath. This knowledge really changed my perception of my pregnancy, but as I go into the next part you will understand that better...

Friday, March 18, 2016

My Story: Pregnant at 46-- Part 1

Me with Tory in February 2014
in Florida
I am pregnant, but here is the beginning of the the story.  I'm planning to publish two other post to finish the story.  It is not an easy story, and highly weird and irregular...  But it's been interesting (with a smiley face).

So here is the deal. About two years ago when I was 44 I started having regular periods again after having gone into menopause. I didn't do anything to change, but unexpectedly it happened, and I began to question.

I am a God follower and believe that everything happens for a reason. So began a litany of prayers. I began thinking... It went something like this...
“God you know I always wanted more children. Is it possible that you have that in your thoughts too?” That led to a desire within my heart for having another birth child, and me making changes just in case it was possible...
--Things like exercise so my body would be strong, and vitamins to help my body function like it was suppose to.
--Being cautious with my diet so that blood sugar would be where it was suppose to.
--Seeing my naturopath to help me heal things, and a radical diet called 'Shape' that helped me shed fat cells and detoxify my body. I don't mean just making me slim, but actually detoxifying the fat cells because if I was to get pregnant HCG causes the fat cells to be used and if that happened that would be bad for my baby. My body gained fat as a way of protecting me from the toxins my body couldn't deal with when I went into liver failure seventeen years ago, and later when I was dealing with a thousand tumors in my colon my body dealt with the toxin being thrown off by storing them in fat cells.
I knew that if I was to get pregnant in the condition I was in, it would not be good for the child, but I was on Shape, and it did help me to detoxify. I was feeling great by the time we moved to the QC in May of 2014. There were times I got sick, but it was short and I was handling those times great. My blood sugar was normal. I was running up and down the steps. I really felt better than I ever remembered feeling.

September 12, 2014-- This is a day I will never forget. A few days before I was praying with a friend of mine about babies and pregnancy, and on this day I was still in prayer. She had had a prophecy years ago that she would have three children, but she only had one.
--So she was wondering...
 So I was praying asking God for an answer. I believe what I hear God say. I do hear him sometimes. Those times are wild and crazy, but it always happens just like he says. This was one of those days.
On September 12th I was praying, and I heard him, but not just about my friend. What he told me was about me, my friend, and my daughter, Megan. At the time Megan and I were barely talking, and I had been praying about that too. Megan wanted another child, but she wasn't dating anyone or anything. God told me she would get pregnant, then me, then my friend.
“Okay God when is this going to happen.” I asked.
“About a year from today for you.” Whoa, buddy! Wait... Megan, then me, then my friend? Not possible. But just in case... I went back on Shape.

The other little detail he gave me was –twins. For me and my friend. I wanted twins... You just don't know how bad. I am not going to try to explain. Just suffice to say I had a vision 20 years ago of a boy and girl twins. I didn't know for sure what I had seen, but I had thought it was for me. Seriously though... after twenty years who knew? Now God was telling about twins in a year! I really must be crazy!

April, 2015 Meg found out she was pregnant. Longer story, but still quite amazing. Since September Meg and I had healed our mother - daughter relationship so much that we were good friends, and when she found out she was pregnant she smiled and looked at me saying, "Your next Mom.".

Fast forward--- August 28, 2015... This was the first day of my last period. Happened like clockwork too. Todd still had a vasectomy, no reversal. We really don't have *erm* relations very often, like the
last time was in 2014. September 9th we had some time alone, and well--- the rest is history.

September 11th I got sick on my spinach drink that I had almost every day. Almost threw up. Interesting, but it had to be my overactive imagination. By about the 20th of September I was sick, pretty much 24 hours a day! By the end of September I was sleeping 11 hours a day when I use to sleep 6-7 hours a day. My boobs were killing me, and boy, this looked like maybe I was pregnant!

October 13th I took my first pregnancy test-- negative.
October 14th I took my second pregnancy test-- negative.
October 15th I took my third pregnancy test-- negative.

Okay,  maybe my imagination was way over active. I waited for my period to start. By this time I was way beyond day 40. What was going on? A little voice inside was still whispering-- 'Believe the miracle.'  Though I wasn't sure if it was me being hopeful or something else.

October 20th My doctor did my first blood HCG test-- negative. She told me I was in menopause and it just hit quickly with me.

Me in October about 7 weeks
 pregnant.  The bump you see is
actually my ostomy bag
End of October, I went to the bathroom and found a slight pink tinge on the toilet paper. I called Megan and told her I had started my period, but for two days all it was was a slight pink tinge. I can't say it was even spotting.  Didn't even use a pad  Then it stopped.

During this time I had a vision of God pouring his light on my womb and surrounding it with saints, angels, and the Trinity to protect it from darkness. There was a darkness outside that was trying to get in, but God kept his light, and there was no way that darkness could enter the space of my womb. Why was he doing this if I was never going to have another child from there? That was a question I pondered for another two months. That question never let me completely believe that I was not pregnant, and yet what kind of game was this if I was? It just didn't make sense. Honestly I was completely confused and didn't know what to think.

Beginning of November I went to my chiropractor because my hips were killing me as was my back. I told her what had been happening, and that I just did not know what to believe. She asked if I had ever heard of a phantom pregnancy. Yes, my grandmother had one back in the forties. Our family had talked about that when I was a kid-- kinda family lore.

“I believe, Catherine, that either you are pregnant or this is a phantom pregnancy.” My chiropractor said after she adjusted me.
“I believe you are right, it is either one or the other. I just don't know which one it is.” I responded. I had come to the same conclusions in the last couple weeks. I wanted to be pregnant so bad, maybe my brain was trying to make me happy...
“I have a doppler.” She said. “We could use it and see if we get a heartbeat.”
“I'm game.” I said. Heartbeat or lack thereof would put this to rest.

Are you ready for this?

She got a heart beat. It was 110-115. It shocked her as much as it did me. I was nine weeks along. For 24 hours I was ecstatic!

Then I tried to get an ultrasound. For that I needed an HCG count.

Another urine test-- negative.
Another blood test-- negative.

The doctor I was trying to get in with refused to see me. So I went to the ER.  Surely they would help me get an ultrasound.

Another blood test-- negative.

The ultrasound tech couldn't find my uterus. All she got was pictures of my ovaries. She was doing a transvaginal ultrasound, and literally I almost jumped off the table because she hurt me while trying to get a picture of my ovaries. Meg was watching the machine and all she saw was ovaries. The technician was young and said she had three other patients to see before she wrote out her reports.

The doctor while doing an exam earlier had mentioned that my cervix was low. That happens in pregnancy. That isn't something he said, but a fact I know because of studying pregnancy and birth when my girls were pregnant.

When the doctor returned with all the test results-- including some blood work. I had a UT infection. That is another thing that only happens to me during pregnancy.

Doctor said “Well we saw your uterus no pregnancy, but we couldn't see your ovaries.” Excuse me?  The tech had hurt me getting pictures of my ovaries!  And she never did see my uterus!  What the hell?  I didn't speak up feeling very shocked.  I probably should have, but there is still a small part of me that believes in the infallibility of doctors (I would think I would have gotten over that a long time ago, but in the ER it reared its ugly head and I became silent.)
That was the second week of November. I accepted what he said, and went home.  Maybe I just didn't understand...  Maybe the tech made a mistake, but how could an ultrasound be wrong?

Honestly I didn't know what to think. I was ten weeks by this point. I still had a ton of pressure below, even after the UT was gone. -Still sick 24/7. -Still tired all the time. -Still went from not being able to stand food to ravenous! Still unreasonably emotional going from angry to crying to smiling in 2.1 seconds!  Still, the ultrasound said I was not pregnant. The doctor said there was no way I was pregnant and so had all the tests said the same. After all... there was proof I was not pregnant... I guess I needed to accept that truth.

End of November I began to salivate for a roast beef sandwich from Arby's... For over a week I dreamed of eating one. I am a vegetarian, not by choice, but because my body rejects any kind of meat or animal product that have even a trace of blood in it. Hence, pepperoni I can sometimes eat, but eggs never stay down. Last time I ate Arby's was over five years ago and I was sick for days! Haven't craved one since then until now.

Finally I was at the grocery store and I bought two gluten free sub rolls (they come in a two pack). Meg was with me and we went to Arby's and I got my roast beef. I devour it!  Then I went back inside and bought a second one! Meg actually took a picture. The only time I eat meat willingly is while I am pregnant. With Hope I ate McDonald's cheese burgers and Arby's roast beef almost daily! Now I am a little more careful with my diet and understand why this happens. This was a protein and iron craving, and I knew it.

That only happens when I am pregnant! But the doctors all said I was not! Do I believe my body, what I am hearing from God, and what my daughter Meg believes, or do I believe the medical world and doctors?

I began on some iron, and told myself I was crazy. But there was still that voice telling me louder than ever “Believe the miracle. Believe the miracle.” Okay... I was beginning to believe the voice speaking might be God. But what miracle? Miracle... Ultrasound said I was not pregnant.

Me January 27th at 21 weeks. Todd
took this because my Mom wanted
to see what I looked like now. The very
poky part is my ostomy (stoma).
The other thing that had been happening is that things were getting tighter around the middle, and I had all but stopped wearing my bras because of how painful it was to wear them. I kept complaining that my skin was so sensitive and itchy... Another pregnancy symptom, but I was trying not to believe because otherwise I felt crazy! In fact during this time I told God I was giving all this to him and would accept I was not pregnant. That is when I went into a depression close to what I had as a teen (that is really REALLY bad!).

I went to talk to my counselor-- she is also a God follower. As she was talking to me, she realized how much darkness was around me, and ask me what door was open, or what was going on that was allowing it to be there? Leaving her office I knew what it was... When this came on was when I tried to believe I was not pregnant. I prayed and asked God to show me a clear path, and show me what to believe because I just did not understand. But I told no one about this. What if the miracle was me being pregnant with twins? What if that was the miracle I was suppose to believe? Maybe I needed to take the chance to believe... So what if I was crazy? Was this miracle any bigger than the check that came in the mail that allowed us to move to the QC? I mean that was $14,000 that we had not expected that came a day after Todd said there was no way we could afford to move-- baring a miracle. I wrestled with these ideas. But things were about to dramatically change.

That change I will talk about in the second part of this.  Also I'll post more pictures too.  Just this part has taken me weeks to write, and I'm still working on the next part and last part.  So until next week, this is Cat out.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Giving Everyone Something to Think About

First, let me apologize for pretty much falling off the side of the planet for the last month. Second, I don't know that I will have pictures in this post because I am not sure what pictures to post with this.  Now for my something to think about.

Do you think a man with a vasectomy and a woman who was post menopausal could have a child by birth without any interventions?

Well-- I literally came out of menopause 2 years ago and my husband had a vasectomy almost 19 years ago.  I am 25 weeks pregnant today.  Not the usual thing I would talk about, and for the last month have been trying to figure out how to talk about it because it is not a typical pregnancy.

So..  I have taken three blood tests, and six urine tests and all of them have been negative. Yes I said negative.  I've also had two ultrasounds, but my pregnancy wasn't able to be seen in either of them because of the position of my uterus and the amount of scar tissue I have.  So how do I know that I am pregnant?

At 9 weeks we got our first Doppler heartbeats.  That prompted the first ultrasound.  Which then the doctors were convinced I was not pregnant, I begrudgingly tried to accept that until I started feeling movement at 15/16 weeks. At that point there was another Doppler with heart beats ranging from 120-140 in two separate locations in my lower abdomen. Two weeks later it was 126 & 140. Two weeks after that it was 164 &140s. Two weeks after that 120s & 146. Lastly it was 169, and the other side was harder to get this time but still heard faintly.

Movement is on both sides of my uterus sometimes at the same time, and sometimes only at one side, and it has been getting progressively stronger. In the last two days my oldest daughter, Meg has felt movement three time when she has put her hand on my abdomen.

Further more I look like a butterball!

And I am not even going to go into the pregnancy symptoms!  Because they have been insane!  Emotions have run crazy.  Besides just fatigue and nausea.  I went from sleeping 6-7 hours a night to needing 11 hours a night.  The first 13 weeks I was walking around in a fog, and bitchy as all get out!  Now I get weepy at various times, and fearful, but at least I am clearer during the day.  There are many many more symptoms, but for now you get the point.

We have checked all other causes and did tests to figure things out, but no one can over look the fact that my belly moves on it's own and has its own heart beat that is more than twice as fast as mine.

We are still figuring out the medical stuff, because this is confusing even for the best doctors, and I've had some that at this point have refused to see me.  But I am doing well and the life inside me seems to keep growing, moving, and proving that anything is possible.

I thought I would give everyone a heads up of what is going on and why I haven't been the best with communication, and also something to think about. Next time you hear of a woman who gives birth without knowing she is pregnant-- maybe she is like me... Or maybe she knew and couldn't prove it.   If I hadn't had a doctor that would continue to do Dopplers I would not know either.

Just saying... I will try to keep updates coming, and maybe even some pictures next time.  Also this is only the tip of the iceberg with my story--  There is much more.  I had 5 pages written and was not even close to finishing--

So this is only a little-- very little introduction.

More may be coming as I figure how to piece it.  This is Cat out-- with a smile and a little excitement about the future days!