Thursday, March 31, 2016

My story: Pregnancy at 46-- Part 2

March 2, 2016
I have been keeping picture records
since the end of January
The dramatic change that I ended the last post with came at the beginning of December.

I was leaning forward, and suddenly I felt this little fluttery movement. Say what! Naw... Then again.

I kept this silent from anyone. It just wasn't possible. A few days later I felt it again. And a few days later I felt it again while Meg and I were driving to her prenatal appointment with her midwife. Meg was trying to convince me that I was pregnant. She kept telling me about a site that talked about something called cryptic pregnancies... Pregnancies that have no HCG count and that even ultrasound can't find. Usually they grow slower and have a longer gestation... Or some switch over and come out of the undetectable stage after 20 weeks. This happens with 1 in 450 pregnancies. I told her I had been feeling movement. And that for the last few weeks I wasn't as sick. She looked up to see how many weeks I was, and found I was 16 weeks at the time, and the nausea should have ended right when it did. With twin pregnancies I was feeling movement right when I should be.

My husband got his bonus from work on December 14th, and on that day I visited a maternity wear shop with Meg, and bought a couple tops and two bras, pregnancy underwear, and a pair of maternity pants. Whether I was pregnant or not I was tired of being uncomfortable. When I put the clothes on, I finally felt comfortable for the first time in a few weeks. In fact it felt like silk compared to the clothing I had been trying to fit myself into. I had been wearing my bigger clothing and trying to convince myself that everything was the same. When I put on my new clothing I realized how much my middle had grown and how my body had changed. If anything, my legs and arms were smaller, but my middle was looking a little like a butterball.

March 11, 2016
Me in the upstairs bathroom just
 trying to keep up a visual diary
A few days later I visited my chiropractor again, and she decided to do another doppler. Two heartbeats 164 & 140 per minute, one on one side of my abdomen and one on the other. She told me later those were two distinctive heartbeats-- two babies. But that day, she just let me feel my wonderment. Heartbeats-- definitely not aortic beats either. There was something growing inside of me that was alive and moving. That was a blessing in and of itself. I decided this time I was going to believe, and I was going to keep my awe. For now I was doing nothing, but enjoying God's miracle and believing it. The depression I had felt for the last few weeks lifted almost immediately.

Meg went into labor and Leo was born on December 23rd, and life got crazy. His baptism was on December 27th. In that same period we had three church services and Christmas.

Beginning of January Meg, Leo, and I went for a visit to my naturopath. The day before I had found my chaplet beads, and I looked up the prayers for The Chaplet of Saint Michael and did my first chaplet in about four years (I did a chaplet everyday while Becca was pregnant with Tory-- hence her name means St Michael's Joyous Victory, and most of her name I had nothing to do with.  Becca named her and she did not know about my daily chaplets.) This day we were on our way to see the one health practitioner I felt like I could trust. If anyone would know if I was pregnant-- It was her. She has been working on my body for five years and knows how totally different my body works from other people's body. She knows how the emotional, physical, and spiritual interplay in me, and she can usually get to the root cause. Moreover, I trust her because were I am concerned, she has never been wrong.

She began adjusting me, and trying to figure out what was going on, and my body literally shut down on her-- Can't explain it any better than that. It refused to let her work on me. So she tried a different route. One of the modalities she uses, is something called NET. Literally she can ask my body what is going on and it will answer-- I am not going to try to explain that either (if you have had NET done before you understand), but it has always worked on me. This time though something else spoke when she asked about me being pregnant...

Whatever it was it called what was inside of me 'tissue'. 

Sorry, folks... that was not me!

I am adamantly pro-life, and would never call even a baby that has been miscarried 'tissue'. If anything that is a HUGE trigger word for me! It shocked her too. She suggested that Meg and I go to lunch and resume afterwards. So Meg and I left her office, and talked about what had happened as I was driving.

As we talked, I was silently praying. I was turning as a thought crossed my mind. Again I was shocked because it was not mine. I realized I was dealing with something that was not me. Whatever it was it had been there for a long time, and for the most part my body recognized it as its own.

That was a BIG problem!

Meg at the same time spoke up. “That was not you, Mom.” I had spoke the thought out loud, and she recognized the same thing as I had. Suddenly God gave me a clarity on what was going on.

I don't know what anyone reading this believes, but I believe in light and darkness-- in spirits on both sides that can and do attach themselves to humans. Maybe that sounds spooky or crazy, but it is in these beliefs that I have been able to explain what has happened in my life. I don't usually talk about these aspects because I respect each person's ability to believe differently. That to me is a gift that God has given. We have freedom to come to God or not believe... But with what happened that day I have to explain where I come from on this issue because that afternoon changed my understanding of what was going on within me and why.

I knew that voice was not me, and my mind flashed back to when I was little and a family relative had hurt me. I realized that when that happened the thing speaking had attached itself to my life acting as if it was part of who I was. I also realized I would not let it stay there!

March 24, 2016
Me over Pascha trying to figure out
what to wear to Good Friday service
This is the latest picture I've taken. 
“Yeah, I know... And I know where it came from, and I know I need to get rid of it, because it is not good nor does it have good intentions.”   It was then I realized I was beginning the chaplet for a reason. The Chaplet of St. Michael has always been very powerful. 

We talked about everything over lunch, then headed back to my naturopath's office.  At the office, my naturopath began working with my body, but again dealt with something that was not me. She stepped back, and I could see she was perplexed.

“You think you are pregnant with two babies?” She asked, still looking slightly shocked. I nodded, but she shook her head.
“Nope...” I felt confused.
“You were pregnant with three, but one has passed... I am not sure what is going on with the other two, but the one you lost was a girl and she calls the other two 'spiritual beings'.”

This is the place I need to stop, and take a little bit to digest. In that moment I felt a grief I cannot explain, and sorrow that still is in my heart. Even now writing this makes me want to cry. I am going to close this down for the night and come back to finishing this part of the story in the morning. Probably as I am getting in bed, I will have some tears. When my naturopath said it I felt the validity, and knew this was a nugget of truth I needed. I also knew it explained the things happening, and why my body was acting so weird. But I will come back to this in the next part of this blog, and give myself a little time to digest and figure how to write about what happened and the days after my visit to the nautropath. This knowledge really changed my perception of my pregnancy, but as I go into the next part you will understand that better...