Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Happy 3rd Birthday Alex, my sweet Grandbaby!

My daughter just told me I have seven minutes until the time my sweet little grandson was born three years ago today!  So this is going to be quick----  Maybe.  All of you out there that have been following me know I can sometimes be long winded.  This is Meg and my Ali!  They are both miracles!  Megan is my oldest daughter.  Alexander Edward is her only child.  I call him Ali because Megan started having dreams about him when she was about ten years old and she would tell me about her son that she dreamed about.  After quite a few dreams she gave him the name Alejandro.  So I began to pray for Alejandro.  When she became pregnant with him at nineteen she decided to name him the American version of Alejandro, but I already knew him as that so I just call him Ali for short.  He is the older of the womb warped twins.  Tory is nineteen days younger than him.  I don't know if Meg will kill me for telling you her and Ali's story, but it is not a secret--  We are not the best at keeping 'secrets' around here.  May 18, 2010 Meg was raped.  Three weeks later on June 8th we found out she was pregnant.  My daughter is one of the bravest people I know, but I tell you he is the most awesome boy!  I can't imagine life without him.  My daughter often says that he is a huge part of the reason she could heal from what happened to her!

Megan was born to me when I was twenty and single.  Alot of people encouraged me to have an abortion.  I chose to parent.  I am so glad I chose her.  I did not have the devastation she had to work through to make that decision, but I was young and clueless none the less.  I did seriously look at adoption but chose parenting.  Now I see her and Ali, and get tears in my eyes knowing how blessed I've been to have them both!  So Happy Third Birthday Ali!!!!!!

Christian writing-- scrubbed clean? Or real?

Forgive me for posting a complaint.  This is not my usual, but I need to vent-- just a little.  I guess I need to give you some background to understand my frustration.

I started writing after my grandmother died.  Grandma was basically a mother to me.  When she died my world crashed around me.  As a child I had been abused by a great uncle who had been my babysitter between the time I was almost five and almost seven.  Because I was adopted, he threatened my parents would take me back to the adoption agency.   I didn't talk about it and ended blocking it most of the way out of my brain.  My grandma was my life preserver.  Her death began a chain of events that hurt like bloody hell and caused even more pain than the abuse I had suffered.

I wrote fiction stories as a way to deal.  My writing kept me alive until fifteen when I almost gave up the ghost and my parents and I both realized I needed some help.  That's the beginning.

The Key to Her Heart is a fiction story, but each part of it has a root in the things that happened in my life or those very close to me from the time I was a child to the time I was about twenty-five.

I am struggling with the people out there that think my writing should be less-- for lack of a better word-- gory, bloody, real-- take your pick.

The Key to Her Heart has opened the door to talk to people about the things in their lives that have hurt them, and that is a blessing and sometimes a curse.  At the very least it is new and at times a little tear jerking.  I am grateful to have a voice for others and for myself.  I am also grateful to be able to be so blindly blunt that I could write down a story that scrapes so many people the wrong way, and still has freed so many others to talk about their own experiences.  I am not apologetic about that because I don't see sweeping the ugly under the proverbial rug helps anyone.

It is only in looking hard at the darkness of my own experiences that I can be thankful for the healing that has come into my life.  When I tried to make it disappear or minimized it's impact I died inside.  You cannot, even for a moment, (unless you've been through it) understand what it is like to pretend everything is alright or nothing happened when it did and it's not.  That is a place I will never-- let me say that again with capitals so you understand NEVER-- go again.  I died in that place-- and I do mean that literally.  It took God to bring me back to life.  When that happened I chose to live, cuts, warts, bruises, broken bones and all.

That means I say like it is, and when I write I write the dark horrible scenes as they are-- dark and horrible.  I write a story that has reality mixed in. That is the only way I know how to write.  I can't clean up the mess that my enemies left of my life.  I can only go on to a new place and hope it does not happen again.  God in his grace has been the one to stitch up my wounds and clean them out when they were festered.  He has helped me forgive and accept the way it is.  Terrible wounds that almost leave you dead are not without scars after they are healed.  I am not afraid of that, and I won't hide them even if it is prettier.

For those who think that just because you are Christian bad things do not happen-- I've got news for you. Do you think Jesus's own mother didn't suffer?  What about Jesus himself?  He hung on a cross!  He tells us to take up our cross!

God does not do the damage, but he does allow it.  I'm not going to try to understand.  I do not.  All I know is after the damage, He's the one that helped me up.  If it happens again, I know He will help me to survive.  I won't hide it.  I won't stop writing it like it is.  It's ugly and it's horrible, but it is real just as much as the sweet moments in my life are real.  I would not cut out Anna's marriage scene.  No one would wish that.  I won't cut out the rape scene either.  I hate it.  It was deleted and rewritten-- I don't know how many times.  I hate Wolffe, but he is just what my rapists were and my daughters' rapists were.  He can't be hidden or swept away.  I'm sorry.  Life would be much easier that way wouldn't it?

Guess what?

I spent from fifteen to seventeen trying to pretend nothing happened.  I ended up hearing freaking voices!  It is a lie!  Not facing it, sweeping it away, pretending it didn't happen makes you go insane!  Then you get so desperate to escape you either take up an addiction or commit suicide!  I know I did it.  I would have been burning in hell, except God pulled me out!

I'm not talking figuratively here.  I took ten bottles of pills, and ended on the floor feeling the flames of hell and hearing the world's cries and not being able to do a damn thing while I could hear my parents freaking out because I was on the floor not responding and I couldn't tell them nor respond to them either.  I was helpless!  I couldn't do a living freaking thing! Nothing!  It is not a place I ever want to go again.  So I won't be silent.  I won't write pretty little stories that make you feel good and have no dark in them.  I won't pretend that I feel wonderful when I'm dying inside.  I won't tell you everything is fine when life has gone to hell in a hand basket.

If I say things are great believe me they are, and if I've had a fight with my son and came two inches close to wringing his neck you probably will hear about it if you run into me that day.  I will laugh at a joke, and I will cry when I hurt.  I refuse to hide.  That is how my writing is also.

So if you can't handle that then don't read it, obviously you aren't the person God told me about that needs my stories.  That's alright. If you chose to read my book, then please understand that I do not apologize for the content.  It is not PG, and there is no way I can make it that way and have it still be the story that God told me to publish.  And yes in a multiple of ways God did tell me to publish, and told me how to go about it.  So if you have a problem then take it up with Him. But be forewarned if you do-- since it was Him who told me to take on this venture I have the feeling He does not share your sentiments.  Sorry if I offended anyone-- well honestly, not really, but I am sorry if this rubs you the wrong way.

If on the other hand this makes you curious, well then below are the links to Amazon & Smashwords, and you can decide for yourself what you think.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Writing A Guest Blog-- Boy that's a new thing!

About two weeks ago SincerelyJenni invited me to do a guest blog, and I was so excited!  It is something I've never done before-- like this whole journey.  Then I started shaking in my shoes because I thought "What do I write?"

I had the option to answer some interview questions or to write a blog post.  So the first few days I was just considering which would be the best course.  Finally I decided on doing the blog post.  Then my anxious side took over--  you know the little green Martian inside wringing his hands together.  Can I really do this?  How long should it be?  What topic should I write on?  Oh no I've never done anything like this before!   Gosh how many people will read my little musings?  Oh my!  I don't know...

Now before you laugh to hard, this is kinda my typical approach every time something new comes up.  I kinda get a little weird.  I do all these funny prankster type joking things, and my daughters start laughing saying, "Gosh Mom you are so nervous!".  They just have no idea!  I'm shaking in my new boots!  Yesterday when we were doing a photo session--  I mean it literally.  They were laughing so hard at me, but thinking about putting something on someone else's sight  I don't know-- that is even more new than publishing a book!  Who would have thunk????  Alright just get it over with-- laugh!  Please I am a walking, living, breathing basket-case sometimes!

Anyway, for the last week I've been having this thought in my head no matter where I am-- "What am I going to write?  What am I going to write?"  Finally I mention it to Meg, and she shrugs and says "Well just write about adoption Mom.  That's something you know alot about and you definitely have an opinion."  We both chuckle, and I think "Yeah, but I don't just want to cover the same old topics that everyone covers when they talk about adoption."

So I take a few more stewing days.

Finally, I bite the bullet-- tonight.  I write this great article.  I was even impressed!   Todd thought it was really good, and Meg liked it too!  So I edited it until it came out perfect!  I mean it was AWESOME-- if I do say so myself!  And I do!  Then I was getting ready to go to bed so I pushed the button to 'save as' so I could give it a title.  Wouldn't you know it I somehow skewed something!  The whole document locked up.  Everything I pushed said "DING! DING!"  and did nothing more.  So now what?  Do I have to start all over????  Man, and it was this really awesome almost post!  I don't know if I lost the whole darn thing!  ARRRRG!  I'm definitely feeling my pirate side come out!  But hopefully I gave everyone reading a good belly laugh and something good came out of my almost post!  Who knows maybe we'll be able to save it!  I guess if you see it on SincerelyJenni you know I recovered it by some miracle!

This is Cat out.  Check out SincerelyJenni too-- she has some great posts!

Thursday, January 9, 2014


Happy New Year everyone!  How has the year started for you?  This year dawns much more positive than the last, absolutely!  At least for me!

Meg and I are back to working on publicity.  Tonight she is working on the website to get it fresh and up to par.  Today pretty much every paper in a one hundred mile radius got press releases, and in the coming days The Key to Her Heart will be making headlines in papers and on the radio, and possibly other areas too.

I'll also be guest blogging on  That is another Iowa blog, and so that will neat-o and fun! I'm looking forward to that.  From what Meg says there's already a few places she scheduling in Cedar Rapids and Iowa City, and she's talking to people in Des Moines area.  This is different and a little out of my comfort zone, but oh it sounds so awesome!  How could I complain?  Na, can't.

So I invite everyone to stay tuned for this crazy ride!  Six months ago I didn't even know if my dream of authorship was possible, and now look.  Yeah-- just a little gleeful!  Keep tuned to for updates on what's going one, and I'll do my best to keep you informed on her too-- and of course facebook and twitter.  This is kinda exciting-- ahh x the kinda!

Book tour about to launch!!!!! Oh Happy days!

Alright!  NEWSSSSSS!  Press releases have been released!!!  My book tour is scheduled to launch the end of February!  The Key to Her Heart will get the attention it deserves!  HOOORRRAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!  Yes, I am sorta jazzed. 'Sorta' being a mass understatement! Could you tell?  Finally (rubbing my hands together in glee!) people will get to know my story!  I'll keep you updated on all the places I'll be in case you want to come visit!  Oh my goodness I'm sooooo excited! What a wonderful way to start the New Year!  Here is me-- just a little stoked holding The Key to Her Heart in my library-- my favorite room in the house!
I love books!  I love writing them, and reading them, and people who also write them, and studying them.  It's just a book thing, but I really love to share them!  Even more I love sharing my book!!!!  Oh my goodness!  Sorry for spooking everyone with my over zealous jazedy excitement!  Hope you understand!  Stayed tuned!  It's gona get interesting! Yes I'm rubbing my hands together again!