When I talk about dropping the weight I call it 'taking down my shield' because this is what happens, but I've never been able to go past this point. This time I don't want to give up. I really want to see what is on the other side of this. I don't want to be stuck like being held down by my wrists again. I escaped from that time, and I want to escape being in this huge body. I want to let go of the fear, the anger, and the pain. I want to heal my organs and heal the diabetes. I watched my grandmother die an early death from diabetes. This is very personal to me. I can't hold all this in if I am going to get past it. So the only choice is being vulnerable-- not knowing what anyone will think, ---Being brutally raw and real-- definitely non-fiction. This is not something I am open about usually. Please forgive me in advance for the content. If you are sensitive, then probably you want to stop here.
So here it is.
No names... Because I know there are people who will read this and know who I am talking about. That's the reason I wrote my journal in fiction when I was a teen.
He started when I was four almost five by setting me on his lap--- I get sick even thinking about it, but it won't leave me alone! It ended at seven sooooo much worse. My dad, suspecting something was wrong, asked me if I wanted him to babysit me anymore, and me being tenacious as I have always been told him that I didn't want to be around him. That exchange between my dad and I --I don't remember it, but my dad does and told me about it about ten years ago when I was trying to remember why it stopped.
It caused my hips to have problems, and caused me to have chronic kidney problems, and have massive issues with just being alright being me, or talking to men, neighbors, and sometimes talking to anyone. I am not good at speaking up for myself or being in crowds unless you expect me to be a mouse! But most of all it caused me to dive deep inside of myself and not let anyone in. I shake like a leaf sometimes and close down becoming angry at anyone that tries to enter my space. Lately I escape my house by going to Panera's with my headphones and write for hours at a time. I works well to finish manuscripts, but it's not the greatest for family life.
And now just writing that down I'm back into tears! I don't like being this way! This is not me! Right now I can't even talk to God about it, which is usually my recourse! Every time I try to pray I feel alone and forgotten! I know it's not true. But that is exactly how I feel. I just can't seem to shake these feelings no matter how I try. The hurt is the worst. I'm back to feeling broken, mis-formed, and terrorized.
Can I dig the perpetrator up from the grave and stab him myself? Why would anyone want to hurt a child!???? Why not go get a willing woman and get your kicks with her? I'm sorry that I am livid, but I am. Why a tiny child just a little older than my little Tory? I look at her and I don't understand how he could do it!!!!!! I want to scream! I swear if anyone ever did that to Tory I would tear apart limb by limb! I'd would make them wish they had never been born! I really wish I could do that to him! How dare him use me and destroy what my life would have been otherwise! He had no right! He had no right! HE HAD NO RIGHT!!!!!!!!! I am my own. He had no right to harm me or use me or whatever the hell he thought he was doing! What was I of so little value? Got news for the predators of this world!!! Screw you! You should have done to you what you do to the little children! Let's tear you apart and leave you for dead! See how you like it!