Friday, September 27, 2013

I need prayer-- Even more I need Hope.

Hi All.  I wish I could write this and be positive.  It's not happening right now.  I'm listening to Charlie Peacock's Unchain My Soul, and that is exactly where I am.  The pain from this month is beyond anything I even begin to understand.  I've cried more tears than even the moisture from my eyes would let on.  Most times I've just had to smile while I was dying inside.  The pain makes me angry, and I want to blame someone, but honestly human nature is probably the only thing to blame-- that and happenstance.  How do I make it through this?  The answer is I do not know.  The only thing I do know is that here too God will walk with me.  He died for me, and so even this is not too hard for him.  Who do I talk to?  Who do I trust?  Who even cares to hear the pain of my life right now?  Right now I don't know who my friends and confidants are.  I feel so alone and my life seems to be coming apart at the seams.  So here I am telling you who read this.  I'm sorry.  I'm not so sure you really want to listen to this, but this is the only place I know to bring this where other humans listen (or in this case read).  This is all I have.  I hurt, and I really don't know how to make it any better.

Today I go back to the doctor (our naturopath) with my daughter.  Today my husband comes home from Argentina.  Today I feel more broken than at any other time most recently.

But, perhaps, the last statement can be explained. Yesterday at the urgent care center the lesion on my daughter's foot turned into my dreaded fear.  We see a naturopath three hours away.  We've been fighting Staph all summer long; ever since she was in the hospital in May.  The latest battle has been over a rash on her legs.  We knew the Staph was causing it, but it just wasn't clearing easily.  She battled Staph in her lungs, and also in her urinary tract. The final straw was a scratch on the top of her foot, that turned into a small lesion, that turned into a severely infected sore.  In the moment of my final decision, I saw her step out of the car and suddenly scream out in pain from a small one inch lesion on the top of her foot that she had covered with a bandage.  She is a strong girl, and when she cried out in pain suddenly it makes this mother realize there is something desperately wrong.  So she called into work and I called the doctor, then my other daughter to watch the womb warped twins while I took care of my sixteen year old.

Within the hour we were headed for the urgent care center.  The doctors' think she has MRSA.  I don't even know if I have it spelt right.  I just looked it up and changed the spelling.  Well whether the spelling is right or not, I've been through MRSA.  I got it after surgery six and half years ago, and one of the reasons I keep
going to the naturopath we go to is because she was able to help me recover.
There is some huge differences between my daughter and me, though.  My sixteen year old daughter is allergic to what we used to make me better, and with all that she has had to fight off this year her immune system is much more at risk than my was at the time.

The doctors here in town are talking about I.V. antibiotics, and hospitalization. That might kill her.  She has severe chemical allergies, and antibiotics are almost deadly to her. But MRSA is deadly too.  She's had this rash all summer long after a long battle with her lungs-- both asthma and pneumonia/bronchitis in May and June.  A hospital stay in early May because of an allergic reaction makes MRSA suspect as we haven't been able to clear the Staph in the last four or so months.  But that battle has also left her immune system weak, and her body at risk-- especially if we need to resort to using antibiotics.

This comes on top of everything else that has happened this month.  So here we are, and sometimes, like this morning, I feel like I have nothing left, and in this battle I am very alone. I want to believe everything is going to be alright--  but I don't know.  It's not like things are getting better right now-- nor for the last several months.  Yet there is one thing I know that restores a little small measure of hope.  God.  He has been here with me all my life and he has seen me through when I shouldn't have made it.  He is not a respecter of persons, and so I believe he will be with my child so aptly named--  Hope.  She's always been called my 'Hope child', and maybe that title has brand new meaning.  Writing this has helped me focus on what is needed.


Thank you for listening.  This is Cat out.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

One more miracle to share-- this time for Peter

It turned out to be an interesting evening.  Earlier I promised to watch a movie with Peter after everyone was settled in for the night.  Then I spent two hours getting the womb warped twins in bed.  I could have told Peter it was to late.  I almost thought about just acting like I forgot.  In our home, though a promise is a promise.  Besides that Peter's been going through a pretty rough time lately both with his behavior, and some pretty harrowing accusations that have been made against him.  I knew he needed the time with me.  So I hunkered down to watch a movie with my son, who had been hankering for some time with his mom.  We chose the movie and started it.

From the beginning he was freaking out because he had 'dreamed' it.  In fact he could tell what was about to happen in every scene, and it was a new movie he had not seen before. This movie at best was a b-rated movie, and the plotline could have been much better developed, the characters could have been better played, the filming was amateurish, and the sound was horrible.  It had one redeeming thing that caused me to keep it on.  It was dealing with some issues Peter and I have been working on lately, and it was doing so in a way that it hit Peter square between the eyes.  The main subject matter was how to deal with anger.

And because he dreamed this movie it really hit him extra hard.  We ended having a talk about how important love and forgiveness are in this world, and how doing things God's way is a much better choice than giving into anger and using worldly examples.  We also had opportunity to talk about how God is always with us, and no matter what he won't leave us.  That last part is right where God has been dealing with me.  There are some things going on in my family that leave me broken more than my words can say, but in the middle God is still there, and I know he will have his will, and I know in the end all will be worked out.  Peter has been having a hard time lately, and feeling so much anger over these same circumstances that are breaking my heart.  Until tonight he had no relief, that movie may have made the difference.

It got through to him better than anything I have been trying to say to him.  It really scared him, but it was because he saw himself if he didn't trust God and reign in his anger.  I am glad that though it was late I did not put off his request, tell him I didn't want to watch that movie, or chose not to spend the time with him tonight.  Instead I received a blessing of my son being touched directly by God when I least expected it.  It renewed my trust too because I really saw tonight just how much God loves my little broken son, and how much he wants to bind up the hurts in his heart.

That brings tears.  My little boy has had a real rough time from the beginning, but right now there's so much doubt in his heart because of things that have been said against him--  He has no recourse, and even if we prove they are untrue-- which they are-- he still has had his reputation smeared to the point that there will always be a question.  In the process of this the trust he was building for people has been pulverized.  We have had to start all over with taking down the defenses.

But tonight, God showed him that He is there with him, and may have brought him a little closer to trusting through Him.  That's a miracle in my book

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Key to Her Heart-- almost ready

Book working has slowed to an almost halt.  Which is very frustrating.  We're still editing.  It's down to comma usage-- not my strong suit.  I seemed to have missed that lesson when I was in school. So my wonderful publicist (my daughter Megan) is going through and checking the usage of commas in my work-- it's taking forever!  I'm not sure how I can help, but we were suppose to be e-book publishing right now.  So now we will be a few days later than we were planning!  URRRRG!  I guess we'll make it work, but I don't like the extra time!  I'd already like to have it out there so I could be sharing The Key to Her Heart with you. Please remember us in your prayers that this last bit of editing gets done quickly!  I'll share on here the moment it's out there!
Otherwise--  Well my life is crazy!  Some of it I can't go into just this minute, but let's just say it's completely batty and I'm hoping things improve!  Say some prayers for that too, please.  I know God is bigger than this life, and that gives me confidence to keep plugging along each day as it is.  Maybe that doesn't inspire you, but in the middle of the circumstance that seem to be devouring all my attention some days, seeing God's intervention is amazing. Daily there are little miracles that keep me going, and I'm so glad to know my God is bigger than all of this.  It keeps me going.  I hope also that in your toughest circumstances you trust our maker.  He is more than awesome!  Now hopefully he will help us get The Key to Her Heart e-published very soon!!!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Sooo, I think my life just got more interesting.  My grandfather on my mom's side was a Trowbridge.  If anyone has watched the recent show 'Who Do You Think You Are?' then you probably know what I am talking about.  If you haven't I'm about to talk alot about this.  It's the buzz with all my Trowbridge relatives, which I am pretty close to because I feel  more Trowbridge than anything because I was pretty much raised by my mom's parents.

Anyway, Cindy Crawford researched her family history back to one Thomas Trowbridge coming from England in the 1600s to America.  From him she traced his line back to Charlemagne.  That alone is fascinating because Charlemagne is one of those historical figures I really like, and the more I learn about him the neater I think he is, so that's like coolio!  But the even neater part for me is the fact, I think this Thomas Trowbridge is somehow related to my own Trowbridge family-- At least that seems to the consensus as far as I can tell.  So does this make Cindy Crawford a cousin of sorts?  Who knows.  More important--  Charlemagne a way far back grandpa???  That strikes my imagination-- especially as a writer.  Maybe I'll have to play with this idea a little more.  Of course ancestry always kinda fascinates me anyway.  So---  I will tell you what I find out in the next few weeks.  I guess that's it right now.  Just thought I'd tell you all about some potential new discoveries!

Cat Out!

Monday, September 2, 2013

Tory's super cuteness-- even when she's trying to pretend that she isn't caught!

I have a funny little story I would like to tell.  It actually just happened a few moments ago, but it was so cute that I couldn't resist telling it.

My granddaughter, Tory, got into some liquids and spilled them on my husband's side of the bed un-be-knowing to him.  It probably happened a couple hours before, or maybe even this afternoon, I'm not sure. So Tory came tromping into the room with her grandpa and he took the towel that I assume Tory put there to hide her mess, and found the mess.

Tory meanwhile is doing everything she can so she doesn't get noticed, but Grandpa says--
"Tory were you playing with things that you shouldn't have?"  Tory looks the other way and says nothing.
"This is a mess."  Grandpa says.  Tory climbs over to me (I'm on the other side of the bed.) and cuddles up as if to hide.  Now, mind you, my husband didn't raise his voice at all. This is all just a little commentary while he is discovering two glass bottles and a liquid mess he didn't expect, and putting two and two together to figure out this was a Tory do. By Tory's reaction it is most definitely a Tory do.
"Tory you are not suppose to play with these kind of things."  Grandpa says.  Tory looks down with a little frown, still not saying anything, but not crying yet like she usually does when she has done something she is not suppose to.  I say to her.
"You need to tell Grandpa you are sorry."  She hides her face in my shoulder, still quiet.
"Tory, you made a mess for Grandpa, you need to apologize and tell him you are sorry."  She sinks her head a little lower. Grandpa covers the spot with a towel, and begins to make the bed up so he can get in bed.     --You know things like gathering the toys Tory left on the bed and finding a quick place for them where they won't be in the bed, but not in stepping range either.

She pops up and sees her baby doll, and begins to ask for it.  So I say--
"Tory you haven't asked Grandpa to forgive you."  She slowly moves closer to Grandpa, but is really quiet (you have to understand Tory is never quiet.  She even makes noise when she eats!).  Grandpa asks,
"Did you make the mess?"  She nods her head slightly, then shows him the play phone she has in her hand.
"Is it o.k. to play with Grandpa's liquids?"  He asks, and she shakes her head no.  She begins to play with the phone as if she can pretend she hasn't done something wrong.  I quietly say--
"Then you need to ask Grandpa to forgive you for doing wrong."  Finally in quietest little whisper she says--
"Peas forgive me." as she standing beside her grandpa, and gives him a hug then a kiss.  He hugs her, but she was so quiet that he wasn't sure she had asked.  I told him I heard her.  He told her he forgave her and he loved her, then as if everything was all better she gave him a big hug, and asked for her bottle so she could cuddle with him and go to sleep.

She fell asleep in her grandpa's arms with her blanket and her bottle while I was writing this.  I tell you what, even when she misbehaves she is so darn cute!  And I love her so darn much!  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry as I watched her struggle.  She definitely knew that was not something she should have done, and it is amazing to see such humility and restraint in one who is only two!  Just had to share, and maybe you can decide to laugh or at least have a little chuckle. Anyway, hope your Labor Day weekend was wonderful, and please keep reading!