Am I a mouse named Cat?

As much as I enjoyed having Thanksgiving with my family, I also struggled to keep the energy up and keep smiling.  I always love seeing Todd's parents, but the last evening they were here I kinda bailed on everyone.  I was exhausted and emotionally drained and ready to shut down and I wasn't even sure why.  It wasn't Todd's parents-- they are kinda awesome.  I enjoyed having all my children here and my sister.  Yet I also felt stuck in a pit, which I had trouble understanding.  This is not like me.  On top of that I forgot to call my mom and dad, and a few other family members that I normally would have.  Except I can't say really I forgot.  It was on my mind the whole weekend.  I kept meaning to, but just didn't.  Which again is not like me.  That brought me to my place tonight.

The last post I made on November 20th still plays heavy on my mind. -- Still feel vulnerable, angry, and out of sorts.  Rereading that post helped me hone in on what was going on inside of me.  I am wrestling with myself and the depression I've faced many times in my life.  I'm wrestling with God, even though I know he is my best defense.  I keep reminding myself that I have so much good in life, so many I love, and so much to be grateful for.  Then I answer myself back with a sarcastic 'That's great but this hurts!'   It hurts like hell-- a place I have visited in various forms over the years.  I feel so out of control and vulnerable.  It feels way too intense.  It frightens me and I want to lock all the emotions away again, except  I really don't want to go through this again when I am feeling strong just to be torn back to this semi chaotic state.  I've never let myself go all the way through this to the other side.  I'm afraid my family may never forgive me for turning their lives so upside down.  Lately especially I've done this isolation thing.  I need to get back to the things in my life that I treasure.  --Example daily Mass.  For the last several weeks I've given that up.  I feel exposed or something else that I do not know how to explain--  Like one of those dreams where you realize you are standing in the middle of a public place stark naked and try to find a place to hide-- except in the dream you always wake up.  This feeling doesn't so easily go away.  Anyone putting a hand on my shoulder will feel me instantly tense up-- even Todd.  I'm cold even when everyone else is boiling.  Usually I run around without socks on my feet-- even in the winter-- not this year.  I wear my socks to bed.

 The pain drains my rational side and leaves this blubbering idiotic emotional side that I finally get fed up with and shove it down just to come back to visit again in another few months or years.  I'm ready to lock it away again, but I don't want to deal with this agony again and again. Bottom line is this hurts.  I want so much more from life than this painful existence.  I think I want to go through this because I don't want to keep going in circles for the rest of my life.  Being stuck is really just not fun.  It is not fun for me or for those around me.  I don't know how to do this.  I don't know how to heal the emotions within me, but I do know I need to heal them and as long as I shove them down or away they just fester.

It's like the physical reality of living with Staph.  If you don't do the probiotics, the diet changes, and the nutritionals-- even at times a round of antibiotics (eeekkkks!) you'll never be able to get rid of it.  You just keep having it come up each time you get a cut or a mosquito bite.  Over time it festers and becomes worse until you finally do the work.  The emotional damage is the same it doesn't go away on its own, and no manner of wishing it away or ignoring it works.  But walking through it is just about as bad as dealing with Staph.

One thing I know about is Staph-- I've had it most of my life and battled it.  Same with these old emotions.  Tonight as I tried to understand what was going on I looked up the stages of grief.  In those five stages (or seven depending on which you read) I found much of what I am dealing with.  But they kept talking about the loss of a person.  For me it's not the loss of a person...  Then I thought about that again.  In a way it is.  When I was harmed I lost-- me.  I lost the me I would have been if only I hadn't been harmed.  And suddenly it made sense.  I don't know if this will help me heal or not, but it does give me new perspective.  With the weight loss I am trying to gain back parts of myself I have lost-- like liver health and kidneys that work a little better.  I'm trying to gain back a body that moves with more ease. These are parts I gave up to 'protect' myself.  Except the beast that hurt me is no longer alive.  I am an adult who can chose who I am around.  To top that off I have this wonderful group of family around me that love me even with all my cuts and bruises.  So why should I keep the weight shield up?  It is safe to put it down.  Yet the lower I get in weight, the more emotions I deal with.

Now this is the test.  How bad do I want to heal?  How important is this to me?  How much do I want to get to my goals?  Am I willing to grieve out the loss of that almost five year old girl that would have been me?  That is where I am at.  I have to make this choice.  Here is where the road splits and I go one way or the other.   Each way goes to different end places, and each path has different sights along the way.  One way is familiar but it will not take me to the place I want to go.  One way is frightening and totally unfamiliar, but ultimately it will take me the direction not only that I want to go but that I need to go.  The real question is if I remain the mouse named Cat.  Or do I take on my own roar.