Emily Lattimier took a deep
breath to calm her frightened soul. She had taken a flight to
Louisville that morning, and she would leave before the sun went down
to return home. Hopefully that would be before anyone really noticed
she was gone. Jacque was busy with the church today. Maybe he
wouldn't ask about her day.
Pressing her lips she tried to
bring herself back to serene as the taxi pulled into a drive of a
large old mansion that must have been built in the Antebellum era.
It looked relatively cared for. This must be Peter's family home
that he use to talk about so often. She nodded to herself. So was
this where Peter Rueschel had been spending the last several years?
Her inner person shuttered. She really didn't want to think about
it.
There was nothing she could
deny her daughter, not even this, but if Anna knew the truth, perhaps
she would not have asked...
In twenty four hours she had
been thrown into the past twice. It was into a past she had never
put to rest, and still didn't have answers for. Now she faced
this... Perhaps Patrick would answer the door instead of his father.
That was her one small hope, but somehow she doubted that was the
way it would be.
The driver pulled around the
circular drive and stopped in front of two massive entrance doors.
She hesitated, but then started to take money from her purse. Once
again she paused thinking better of it.
“Stay here, I shouldn't be
but a few moments, then you can be my return ride to the airport.”
The driver nodded slightly and she hurried out of the car up to the
doors that promised her future doom.
She pushed the button for the
doorbell and heard the loud gong even outside. It was another minute
until the door was opened.
“What do you wan---” Peter
Rueschel stood in front of her looking scraggly and weathered in a
dressing robe and slippers. His voice was impatient with the world
and aggravated with being bothered. Even in this state he
frightened her-- Not because he was impossible to deal with or even
that she was afraid of any harm he would do, but she knew the
emotions inside of her that had never died away as she had hoped they
would. She held her breath slightly seeing him. It was not for him
she came here, but for her daughter and for the son-in-law that she
was so grateful to have. He'd been like a son to her all the time he
was little. Now she could truly call him that. It was in the middle
of this thought she realized Peter had stopped speaking.
“Emmy...” Her name was
called softly from his lips as he reached up rubbing his eyes. It
was as if he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing.
“Peter.” She acknowledged
stiffly. Why even for her daughter had she agreed to this?
“You-you are here... At my
house.” The shaky words scared her more than any response he could
have given would have. It made her soul go weak, and lessened the
value of all her resolves. This was not a place she should be.
“Please come in...” He
stepped out of the way, and she almost listened, but remembered
suddenly she had told the cab driver to wait for her, and so at least
that gave her an excuse not to go inside and not to stay any longer
than she actually had to.
“I... I can't stay. I've got
a flight to catch in just a little bit. I actually came here to talk
to your son. Is Patrick here?” Her voice trembled like a leaf in
a puddle of rain water. She didn't sound as tough as she was trying
to be. It wouldn't take much for him to see through her and see how
weak she really was. Peter shook his head, sticking his bottom lip
out slightly.
“No he left yesterday. Took
some clothes with him. I don't know when he will be back.” She
nodded. Alright. That was it. Now she could leave-- quickly.
“Okay then... I-- guess I'll
go. It was-- ah-- nice seeing you again.” She started to turn,
but he gently grasped her hand. The old surge of wispy butterflies
doing sweeps inside of her began once again as if she was the
eighteen year old at her first week of classes and he was the
professor at the front of the room. She closed her eyes and tried
to keep her heart from feeling. It didn't work.
“Emmy please stay, just for
some tea.” Turning back, she shook her head. She knew better than
letting herself feel for him again. But even here and now it was
such a temptation! Pressing her lips tightly together, she shook her
head.
“I'm sorry I can't. I do
have a plane to catch and a car waiting. Thank you for the offer.
Will you tell Patrick, if you see him, to give Jesse or me a call.
It is important.”
“Emmy, I will.” The soft
almost pleading words called to her, but she knew the only way to
keep her resolve lay in getting away from him.
She left quickly, pulling her
hand from his grasp as if it was effortless, but once more she felt
him holding on to her heart, and that she just could not rip away
from him. On the drive back to the airport, she kept her eyes closed
so the tears inside would not spill. If she had made different
decisions years ago what would have life been like? Why did she
still desire him?
Twenty minutes later, Emily sat
near the gate she would board her plane at in two hours. She held
tightly to her purse as every muscle in her body was taut. Facing
Peter was more than she was able to do. She felt like she was
standing in that place thirty years before when she chose Jacque over
her heart. She thought she was past all the feelings, and yet today
she realized how wrong she was-- then and now.
Quietly, she stood and walked
over to the windows that looked out to the planes coming in and
leaving, but she saw that day so long ago instead. They had both
been in love with her. She had known that; just as surely she knew
she had to choose. There was the blue skied summer day. Warmth like
a blanket wrapped around her. She had been home from college for two
weeks. They had both followed her home.
Emily smiled as she thought
back. These were the days she felt free. Yet she wasn't. She was
fearful and unsure. She knew what it was like to have disapproval
because of a past that wasn't even her own. She knew she had to make
a change.
Jacque had the friendship of
Pastor Sheldon and her step father. Her mother liked him too. Even
her distant family voted yes. Then there was Peter. He was nine
years older than her, and had a child from a past broken
relationship...
He was every handicap she
didn't need. Yet he called to her heart. When she was with him she
was happy. When she was around him he filled her heart with passion
and zeal she had never found any place else...
Emily stepped back from the
memories. It was not alright to go to that place.
“Emmy.” She jumped around
to see Peter again. This time dressed in wool dress pants, a button
down plaid shirt, and a sweater. He almost looked like an old
professor. The thought about made her smile, but that was a place
she could not go with him.
“Peter...” Her hand
covered her chest more for effect than actual startle.
“What are you doing here?”
Once more like when she was standing at his door, he took her hand in
his. He was so gentle and so sensitive. Yet she knew this was not a
road she could go down.
“Emmy, I cannot just let you
walk away like before.” Her breath caught within her as she heard
what he said.
“You are everything to me.
You have been ever since I first met you.” Pulling her hand from
his grasp, she crossed her arms tightly over her chest as if she
could protect herself from this onslaught.
“Peter this is not a
conversation I can have.” She groaned, and yet she knew in her own
way she had brought this on herself. The reality was, in some deep
place within her heart, it was a conversation she had wanted to
indulge in for years, and yet until today there had been no path.
So she stood in front of him and as much as her appearance looked as
if she would not listen, her soul felt as if it was receiving water
after years in a dessert.
“Tell me you no longer love
me, and I will leave and never bother you again, Emmy. All you have
to do is tell me.” She shook her head, huffing out a breath. What
did he expect of her? No she could not tell him that. She knew
him, and if she admitted her feelings there would be no stopping him.
The problem was, she could not lie either. That was against
everything she held herself to.
“I am a married woman, Peter.
I chose Jacque. That is the way it is.” She answered instead.
“I didn't ask that, Emmy.”
He stepped closer to her eradicating the space between the two of
them.
“I know the answer. I know
you still hold my heart and I have never desired to let go of yours.”
The words were almost a whisper as he moved even closer. She didn't
walk away. She wasn't sure what it was, but for that moment, she
couldn't. Why was he what she wanted when even now it was so very
wrong? He leaned in closer and his lips brushed close to hers. It
was in that moment she had to make her final choice.
The past and future swept in
with visions, and she saw how things could have been different, but
then she saw how it was. She grasped a glimpse of the future and how
it would be if she took this choice to it full potential, and
suddenly she knew...
She turned her head, then ever
so slowly stepped back. She without warning saw what she couldn't
see all these years. Everything that had clouded her vision cleared.
“It is not about my feelings,
or whether you have not released my heart, Peter. It is about
faithfulness. I made a commitment all those years ago, and to break
it even now would destroy too much. I would not be able to live with
the destruction I would cause and so today with you I have made a
choice once again-- based on love this time. But the love for my
daughter and son, and for your son and for Jacque and even for you.
Love also for my best friend and for my grandchild that is with God
now...” The last thought brought fresh tears. She, especially for
the little granddaughter that she would not know on earth, could not
do this.
“I cannot break my vow.”
She stepped out of his embrace, and though pain radiated within her,
she also felt a new sureness that had never been before.
“What if something happened
to him? What if you divorced? Or-or he died?” Peter was grasping
but she shook her head. She turned away, not even dignifying the
question with an answer.
“How dare you...” The
words were whispered. But she knew the answer. It was no. Not even
then could she go back to him. After years it was over. Though he
may always hold her heart, or maybe this was the end, she would never
break her vow.
He knew it also. There was no
more hope for him and a few moments later he left the airport and she
waited for her plane alone. Tears fell, her body felt achy from the
emotional beating, but it was done and it was over.
No more questions remained, and
no more fear that she would act against her own code. Now she knew.
She loved her family, and what she and Jacque had built together.
She would always love Peter. There was no doubt of that, but she had
chosen Jacque and he had always accepted her as she was. Today she
realized for that and all they had weathered together she did love
him, and she could not imagine harming him in this way. If she ever
chose Peter, she would not be able to live with the destruction it
would cause Jacque. That was her answer. She couldn't do that to
her husband. She loved him too much for that.
When she got home that night,
she hugged her husband, and somehow felt refreshed. He didn't ask
about her day and she did not tell him, but there was new peace
between them. As if the rift that had kept them apart for years was
no longer there.
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