Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Transparency

Alright here is my answer from the last post 'Just Questions'.  I don't know how well this will go over, but someone has to start someplace.  If I don't venture then I don't know if I can trust.  I already know I cannot trust anything I hear because most times especially in the media people just give us what they think we want to hear.  First I open the floor for any comments that you feel need to be said, and the worst I will do is not respond, but if I respond I won't condemn you because I want to be trusted, and so I am going to venture the same.  If you ask me to answer, then I will answer with my real thoughts.  I won't lie because that does nothing to further these ends.

My goal is to see if a community can be built where ideas can be shared along with thoughts and feelings without worry of condemnation or retaliation.  It is not that I expect everyone to be of the same mind.  It is that I hope for each of us to accept the other as another human being deserving of enough dignity to be open to listen and tell each other the truth in as much love as possible. Also that we all could be a support to each other when things are going tough, and when things are going well.

So here is my transparency. I would like this to be a Christian nation.  I realize it is not.  I am watching as we are asked to accept everyone, but as we do that what really is happening is we accept no one unless they conform.  I don't conform. I never have.  I doubt I ever will.  I believe in God and his Son, Jesus.  I believe in morals and values which we no longer have in this country.  Sometimes I think I would like to go live in Russia because at least they do have a standard which we have negated.  Still I am at heart a patriot, just not of this country as it is.  I am a lover of freedom, but I realize freedom with no standard makes chaos.  I am not a fan of that unless there is some control.  I believe in community reaching out to those that need help instead of the government taking over everyone's life.  I believe in families helping their own as much as possible.  I believe in strong churches and making friends within that community so that trust can be built and people can know they have a place.

This is everything that I feel like we have lost in the last twenty five years.  That's as long as I have been watching it happen.  I started watching as a young mother within my church group.  I had the things I spoke of above, and yet I heard older people than I seeing the changes that were already happening, and I listened to what they were saying.  So I started taking notes of what was happening around me.  By the time my oldest daughter was a mother I saw that it was almost completely gone.  I asked her to get involved and make a group of friends, but that was done on Facebook instead of at a bible study or event.  So I wondered if trust could be built on this medium, but have found everyone has a mask and it is never taken down.  We have personas that we build and fit them with others of the same persona.  Within that group we are fed lies to make us happy or content or angry depending upon the group we choose.  Where is the truth?  That is what I am trying to find.  I guess this is my way of trying to rebuild.  I am a writer.  That is my strength, and so I use this to call out to others that may have the same questions that I do, and are looking for an answer.  Maybe looking for a friend to just share with them and that they would feel safe sharing with.  I don't know if this will work, but after asking the questions on here, I thought going out on a limb wouldn't be a bad idea... hopefully.

I could be disappointed.  I could find out that everyone just likes the drama and the mask.  I think there are some like that.  Personally I like calm and being who I am.  I don't like being censured.  It use to be crudeness was closed down.  Now people of faith seem to get shut down.  So I am not sure what will happen, but never give up.  I don't mind the Confederate Flag by the way.  I see it as part of our history and a reminder that states have the right to secede when they are troubled with what the federal government is doing.  I see it as a reminder that we are a collection of states loosely united, but that bond can be changed.  In some ways I wish there were some states willing to break that bond, and then there would be a 'Christian' nation...Maybe.

As for me personally.  I attachment parent, do not vaccinate, am not politically correct, and am so far from perfect. I worry about everything I put in my body, do not use medicines, and am even careful what nutritionals I use.  I am like that with my kids too.  Gluten Free, don't drink milk, vegetarian, almost all organic, except when I get frustrated and go out to eat.  Panera is my favorite because I trust I am not killing myself when I eat there! But I have had surgery-- eight years ago.  All my good stuff only went so far because I had a genetic oups that caused all kinds of problems I couldn't fix.  The thing that blew every one away was I didn't have cancer when I should of.  Even now doctors are amazed my good cholesterol is high.  They don't usually see that.

I was a single Christian parent for five years, then married my husband and gave birth to my third daughter.  We adopted our son in 2004, and then in 2010 both my oldest girls became pregnant. My oldest decided to parent her son and the younger asked my husband and I to adopt her daughter.  We did.  She is four now.

Religiously... I am a Christian.  Actually to be technical I am an Eastern Rite (or Byzantine) Catholic.  Originally I didn't know what I believed.  At seventeen I was baptized, but accepted Jesus at eighteen and made more mishaps after I 'accepted Jesus' than before.  Those around me wondered if I was a Christian.  I had issues, but I will not apologize for that time because it made me who I am.  I learned to trust God even when I couldn't trust myself.  It was during this time I had my first daughter.  It was seeing my faith while I was pregnant with her that caused my mom to come to God.  I thought I should clean up my act and so I rashly married a man that was a 'Christian', and found after I was pregnant with my second daughter that he was abusive.  Then I went through a divorce.  As I said I am not perfect.  Three years later I married my husband that I am still married to... We are going on twenty years.  We went to so many churches, and yet for whatever reason I had a problem with each one.  He stood by me, and supported me on my quest-- not for perfection because let's face it if I found the perfect church I better not go because it would cease to be perfect the moment I walked through the doors.  But a truly biblical church is what my search was about.  For more than three years I studied what scripture said and compared that to whatever denomination we were at and found it lacking.  So I turned to studying the history of the church along with scripture.  Then I searched for the oldest church that had not changed.  That was nearly impossible too.  I finally came to the conclusion that the oldest church was the Catholic church or the Orthodox church which I went to both for a while as I tried to understand the extreme differences from the Protestant churches I had been a part of.  Then my best friend invited me to her Byz church.  Long story short I walked inside and I knew.  That was nine months before our adoption with our son was final. I have been Eastern Rite ever since.  There were many thoughts that went into that decision but that would take me writing volumes.

So here I am telling you all these details that I usually don't say.  I could go on, but for the sake of your eyes I will stop the litany here.  To sum up everything.  I am still not perfect, still temperamental, and still have more off days than on days.  I am not always a good parent.  I drive myself crazy and probably my husband too.  We have things we disagree on.  Sometimes I would like to have a place to talk about these things.  I'd like to be able to say I think I would have been a Southerner if I lived in the eighteen hundreds!  Or talk about escaping to Russia!  Or talk about the prophecies I have for this country...  Even if no one agrees with me.  I'd like to meet a few people that are willing to share their real thoughts too.  Is this something that anybody else wants too?

If you do then contact me.  Ask questions.  Tell your thoughts. Even if they are different than mine. I don't care if you agree with me or not.  That is not what this is about.  It is about being real-- even if it is scary or not politically correct or maybe if it is. I'm just tired of the facade and the lies.  Want to talk to those that are willing to be real.

    

No comments:

Post a Comment