Sunday, February 23, 2014

Letter to God

Alright, just a warning the following you may not understand--  I really do not expect anyone too-- It is more that a very private space in my life has been made public and I am a little angry and do not have another space to share with anyone.  So in 'celebration' of that private space becoming public domain I chose to make my very private thoughts to God public also--  And yes I am a little angry.  I am truly sorry about that, but I figure God is God and I am most definitely not so he can deal with my anger a hell of alot better than I can.

Dear God,

You've been asking me what I am willing to sacrifice.  And you've given me the choice-- not that it really is because I belong to you and so if you want it given it is yours.  It is that way despite my thoughts or emotions, so here it is.  The reality is I am yours.  So everything in me no bars, no excepts, no 'not thats', and no off limit belong to you.  Even that place that I thought was so sacred and special and holy is yours to do with what you will.  Even if I don't like it.   So here it is.  Do whatever you will though I know I do not like this-- no promises I will recover from this.  I know all times before you picked me up and dusted me off and helped me get better.  This time this is by your own hand.  Be it the way you want it.  Here is my handing over-- officially.  It is yours wholly and hands off by me.  Just don't expect me to smile alright?  I'll be wherever you want me to be and I will do whatever it is you want me to do, but no artificial, okay?  I won't pretend to be alive when I am dead.  I won't pretend to be happy when I've been left naked and exposed.  I won't act as if life is wonderful when I'd rather you would just impale me.  There that's it-- And oh is this everything?  Will you somehow protect those I love so dearly?  You know-- my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my sister, my mom-- can you somehow explain to them what has transpired between you and I?  Because I don't know that I can.  Just explain my hidden tears when they see them.  And explain to them when I try to smile but fail.  Explain how hard this is as only you can because I am not you and I do not have the words to make them understand.  I can hardly grasp what you are asking, but still it is yours plain and simple.

I love you even though I do not understand.  You are my God and you died for me and so I am not above dying for you.  Even if I do not recover---  That is in your hands and your choice not mine.

Catherine

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